


Her Name ~Redux~

by Capital_F



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/F, Homophobic Language (uncommon), Lesbian Character, Nudity (uncommon), POV Alternating, POV Lesbian Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:00:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 49,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28080543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capital_F/pseuds/Capital_F
Summary: There is a girl. Her name is Natsuki Futagawa.To the casual observer, she is a normal girl - a recluse, sure, but mostly normal. Take a closer look, though, and you will notice that she is notably thin, and she always looks tired. You may even notice the bruises she tried her hardest to cover up with clothes and makeup. You may also notice that she always has an angry expression on her face, as though she has been inconvenienced by life itself. She is quick to lash out at those who try to interact with her, perceiving them as untrustworthy invaders of her private sphere. She's not a very happy person, is she?There is another girl. Her name is Yuri Seomun.The average observer will not even notice this girl - unless she stands up, that is. But she does her best to stay hidden, out of view, even. It would be easy to dismiss her as simply a very shy girl who no friends; but something is amiss with Yuri. And she knows it more than anyone - which is why she tries to hide her forearms from sight at all times. More than that, in her mind she has a deep distrust of herself, a lack of faith to keep herself from being, as she might put it, a degenerate.These two girls... they're not very alike, are they?
Relationships: Natsuki/Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 129
Kudos: 90





	1. Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein a new member joins the club, most unexpectedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Author here!
> 
> So, uh... hi! It's been a while, haha~
> 
> If you're from the future, you probably don't know what's going on, and that's fine. But if you're from the present, or at least you're familiar with my previous work, this may all seem a bit odd.
> 
> Well, let me explain myself.
> 
> For those unfamiliar, I am the author of another Natsuri story - Her Name, which will be linked here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113135/chapters/55302148
> 
> Well, at the time this is being published, it's been months since I last updated it, despite 30+ chapters and almost 5k kits. So why start anew?
> 
> Well, I felt certain parts of Her Name were... below my modern potential. By that, I mean that I could write those scenes much better now than I could back then. Plus, I felt like I needed to do a fresh start, like I couldn't just pick up where I left off with Her Name.
> 
> So, I did the most drastic thing possible: I started a new version!
> 
> Now, I'm not 100% certain exactly what I'll do with this. I'm not certain how similar it'll be to the original Her Name; what I've done is started a new work with the same premise, goals, and ideas as Her Name, but written with my modern mind and ability.
> 
> So, it'll be different from the original in certain ways! But also more similar in other ways!
> 
> If you really liked the original Her Name, I'm sorry. I liked it too! But... I wanted to get a fresher take.
> 
> And if this is your first experience with any of my work, well... hi! I hope you like it. :3
> 
> Anyway, author's note over!

**OPEN, PROLOGUE**

* * *

The sound of arguing in the hallway is the sort of thing that would bother most people. And of course, I am not left out of that category - the echoes of what sounds like two girls arguing brings me no pleasure or anything of the sort. But I don't peer into the hall, I don't even get up from where I am - seated on the floor, my back against the wall, and a book in my hand. I don't bother checking, because the chances are that it's not an issue for me to be concerned with.

But that perception quickly become challenged, as the sound draws closer, and the words become more audible.

_"I never said I'd join!! Where do you think you're dragging me?!"_

_"C'mon, at least give it a shot!"_

_"Let me go, that's my sleeve!"_

That sort of thing. I could make out one of the voices as being Sayori Tanemura, a fellow club member, but the other I didn't recognize... she had a higher-pitched voice than Sayori, but she was straining it as she demanded Sayori relinquish her grip in a sort of hushed shout, if that makes any sense.

But I didn't want to concern myself with it. We were in the same club together, but I never really knew Sayori that well - nor Monika, for that matter. I was only here out of a shared interest in literature, but it's not as though it was an interest I could ever express. Monika and Sayori were so wildly different from me that I never found myself able to accurately express my interests around them. I simply retreated into the corner and read alone, as though I wasn't even a member of the club to begin with. Whether or not I attended didn't make any difference, but still I chose to come every day after school. It was a dynamic I'd become used to.

My lamenting was cut short as the commotion made its way through the door; the first person through was Sayori, grinning dumbly as she dragged the other girl behind her. And there she was - a new girl, short in stature. She wore her pink, neck-length hair up in pigtails, tied up with red lace ribbons. In the front of her hair, she wore a bow-shaped clip, the same crimson color as the ribbons. In addition to being short, she was also notably thin - she was, in every sense of the word, petite.

She scowled at Sayori, and from her stature and size, it immediately became apparent that she was physically unable to resist Sayori's pull. It felt a bit cruel, to take advantage of someone's size like that, but I'm sure Sayori only had good intentions.

The short girl huffed, folding her arms as Sayori finally released her grip. She surveyed the room, looking around at all the empty desks, then Monika, and at last me. Instinctively I hid behind my book, wanting to avoid eye contact... from what little I'd seen, she seemed like an intense person. She and I would not click, I could feel it.

"Everyone!" Sayori announced before clapping her hands together, breaking the short silence. "Meet Natsuki!"

The girl - Natsuki, apparently - sighed. "Don't-"

"She'll be our newest club member!" Sayori interrupted.

"H-Hey!" Natsuki stepped forward, and it was just then that I noticed the bandaid on the right side of her jaw - her right, not mine. "I never agreed to anything, you're putting words in my mouth!"

"Huuuhhhh?" Sayori looked down at Natsuki. "Oh, uh, sorry! I, uh, thought you would be happy to join..." She said, uncharacteristically timid.

"Hk...!" Natsuki clenched her teeth and looked away, regretful that her actions apparently hurt Sayori. "I-It's just, erm... I haven't decided yet, that's all..."

Sayori nodded. "I understand. Well, have a look around! Hopefully you'll like it here!"

Natsuki walked around aimlessly, making it obvious that she wasn't really sure what "look around" meant. Monika leapt from her desk - well, the teacher's desk - to step in. Indeed, she quite literally stepped in, walking in front of Natsuki to bring her full attention to her.

"Hello!" Monika suddenly said, making Natsuki jump in startle.

"A-Ah, hi..." Natsuki said, clearly put off by Monika's forwardness.

"So, you're interested in joining the literature club, hmn?"

Natsuki hesitantly nodded. "I'm... just here to check it out," She said.

Monika smiled. "Then check it out you shall! Tell me, what kind of literature do you like?" She asked, sitting Natsuki down in a desk and asking her other sorts of questions like that.

All this happened without even an iota of interaction from me; just like usual, it was though I wasn't even there. To tell the truth, I wasn't initially sure how I felt about a new addition to the literature club. But now, I could clearly see that it wouldn't have any impact on the established order. Like any other club day, I could simply sit in the back and be totally removed from the rest of the club. Indeed, there was no reason to include me; the other didn't know how to approach me, nor I them. The present situation was not threatened simply by the introduction of another person - thus, there was further reason for me not to be involved in this whole introduction process. It simply didn't affect me; why would she need to know who I was if she was never going to talk to me? I could just be the weird girl sitting in the back of the classroom, reading creepy literature... that's what I'd been my entire life up to this point, after all. Whether she or anyone knew my name wasn't a relevant question, it didn't matter... it made no difference... it... it...

"And this is Yuri!"

My heart nearly exploded out my chest as I heard my name - up close, too. I put my book down in my lap to see the other three standing over me, with Monika gesturing towards me with her hand. The new girl looked at me awkwardly, not sure how to act... and in her defense, I didn't know how to act, either... I could barely make eye contact, and indeed I struggled not to look away. But Sayori and Monika expected me to do some sort of introduction, and I had to fulfill their expectations, lest their perception of me worsen.

I forced myself to look up at Natsuki, to get a better look of her...

And to my surprise, I found that she was... quite pretty.

Her facial features were soft, so soft that they could even be said to glow. Her eyes sparked in a deep pink, with the intensity of crimson. Her lips were plump, soft, pillows of bliss. Her... uhmn, her... ahmn... I was focusing too much on the superficial.

"H... H-Hello..." I gulped. "M-My name is... Y-Yuri Seomun..."

She nodded. "Natsuki... name's Natsuki."

I nodded in turn. "N-Nice to meet you..." I muttered, barely audible.

"Likewise," She remarked.

I looked down at my lap, unable to maintain eye contact any further; I was becoming distracted. I... well, I suppose I wasn't used to being so close to pretty girls... I wasn't used to being close to anyone, but I especially became flustered around someone so pretty...

I sighed internally. I shouldn't be focusing on something as superficial and plain as appearances, that was unlike me...

Was it?

I mean... being that I haven't experienced much genuine interaction with people, I didn't really have much experience with people's personalities... all I could do was look on from afar. Other people's appearances were all I really had to go on, along with what snippets of conversation I could overhear.

Aha... truly, I am the lowest common denominator of human. My only interactions with other people were staring and eavesdropping. Both are considered rude by any decent person, and yet they are the only things I can depend on. How truly laughable.

Apparently satisfied that Natsuki had at least spoken a few words to me, Sayori and Monika pulled her away to go focus on something else.

And so I sat, alone. I was not unused to it, nor upset.

But still, it must be considered sad.

"Well?" Sayori asked. I assumed she was asking Natsuki if she was willing to join the literature club... I had no stake in whether she joined or not. If she chose not to join, nothing would change. If she did choose to join, all I would gain would be the addition of a pretty face to observe from afar... ah, that's a strange thing to say. Truly, this is why I am and remain the weird girl at the back of the classroom.

"W-Well, uh..." Natsuki was clearly having trouble coming to a decision. Oh how I wondered what factors she may be weighing in her mind... "how much time do I have after school?" "Am I interested enough in literature to justify joining a club like this?" "Do I really wanna join the same club as some weird emo bitch at the back of the class?" Haha... I wonder...

"Uh... alright," Natsuki concluded, finally. Sayori was ecstatic

"YAY!!! I knew you'd come around!" She cheered, wrapping Natsuki in a big hug and bouncing up and down with her in her arms.

"H-Hey, ow!! D-Don't crush my body like that, put me down!" Natsuki protested. Sayori stopped immediately and put her back down, letting her rest on her feet.

"O-Oh! My bad! Sorry, Nats!" She giggled.

"Nats?! When did I give you permission to start using nicknames?!"

"Oh, hush! It's cute, just accept it!"

"I'm not cute!!"

It was a charming exchange. Natsuki and Sayori shared a cute dynamic, I'm sure they'd get along just fine. But little would change for me, as I'd already concluded. Natsuki would ignore me out of fear, resentment, ignorance, or all three. I would continue to live my life as I always had and always would, steadily marching towards uncertainty.

And so it would remain, forevermore.


	2. The Literature Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I start off a normal day of school, and end it in a place foreign to me - a club room.

Fuck you.

I sighed.

Fuck. You.

That's all I could think: fuck you. And boy do I wish I could say it. But noooo, this is a "classroom setting." Yeah, fucking whatever.

Sigh...

I hate school. And I especially fucking hate the teacher in front of me right now.

A tall, towering guy, who was a huge stickler about rules and shit - my least favorite type of person. Especially when they exist purely to ruin fun for everyone else. I felt like I could just open my mouth and shout at this fucking guy - well, not really. I didn't feel like I _could_ , but I wanted to...

Sigh. Who am I kidding? Even if I could, I wouldn't. I'd just freeze up, like I always do. Every time...

"Futagawa," He suddenly interjected himself, breaking my train of thought with his deep, booming voice that made my entire body shudder and jump back. F-Fuck...

"I expect better of my students," He went on. "In my classroom, off-topic doodles will not do. I expect you to pay attention to this material.

I gulped and struggled to look up at him. My breath was shaking and my body shuddered, to the point that I couldn't even look up at him. But he demanded my attention, and brought a hand down on my desk - of course, he couldn't just set it there. He _slammed_ his hand down on my desk, making a loud thud that almost made me scream.

"Futagawa!" He again demanded my attention. I forced myself to look up at him, my entire body shaking. H-He... he... he wouldn't... w-would he? H-He's a teacher, h-he's, a-agh... h-he... ahmn...

"No more doodling in class," He demanded in his booming, thunderous voice. "Have I made myself clear?"

I nodded shakily. "Y-Yes pa- s-sir... y-yes, sir..."

He nodded. "Good. I'll let you off easy this time, but don't be a repeat offender," He said, setting my notebook back down in front of me, heading back over to his desk to read out the whiteboard, or... fucking whatever. I couldn't focus on that. I just buried my head in my hands and did everything I could to keep myself from crying. I could already tell this was going to be a shitty day, just like every other fucking day.

...

Futagawa Natsuki.

I was sick of hearing that. This country's naming customs are so stupid; why should we all go by our surnames? What sense does that make? Who decided that? Some idiot in a castle 2000 years ago? Fuck that guy, whoever he was. They have it right in the west; we should all just go by our first names. This is the 21st century, individuals are more important than families nowadays.

But honestly, it's hard to convince myself of something like that as I looked around. Families weren't the base social unit anymore... now it was cliques.

They were everywhere - every table has one, maybe two, groups of kids sitting at it. Each was a friend group - they had their own interests and inside jokes, each person provided some sort of personality. It was night impossible to join a clique, not without knowing one or more of the members prior. And if you weren't a part of any clique, well... good fuckin' luck. This isn't like some Disney TV movie where "the losers" band together and beat the popular kids in some sort of arbitrary contest and prove that they're on equal footing. Those who aren't a part of a clique are just like those who do; if there's some reason that you're not accepted by a friend group, most people probably won't accept you for that either. That's the part a lot of people don't get - the "outcasts" are just as bad as anyone else. Likewise, just being an outcast doesn't magically give you some sort of special ability to connect with other outcasts; really, there's not a science to any of this shit. Things that seem to make sense don't make any sense, and things that don't make sense end up working out somehow. Fuck anyone that tries to codify this shit.

Long story short, high school is hell. Anyone could tell you that. Especially me - it wouldn't take a genius to look at me and tell that I wasn't exactly the shit around school. I mean, come on, just look at the hallway! Kids are leaning against the wall in groups, walking in groups, talking in groups, eating in groups, and I'm not a part of any of them. I'm just trudging along on my own towards the lunch room, and honestly there's not even any point in me doing that. It's not like I'd scraped up enough money to get any food, all I could do was pray that there was a usable amount of money under the vending machine; after all, some idiot was bound to drop a coin down there every so often.

So, I miserably shuffled myself outside. There was no point in going to the lunch room; I couldn't get lunch, and there was nobody there I wanted to talk to. The vending machines were outside, which was _super_ fun - it meant I got to doubly pray that nobody saw me as I humiliated myself by getting down on the ground and rooting under the vending machines for spare coins. Oh what fun!

Speaking of which, after about a minute of the aforementioned miserable shuffling, I finally reached the culted vending machines - well, I say "culted," but really nobody uses these things. More popular are the ones inside, located at the end of a few hallways, but the outside ones usually don't get much attention... hence I go to them. That's also why I don't usually get much money from these: people don't use them often, and a smaller volume of people means a smaller amount of people dropping money, however few they are anyway. But I just can't risk being seen rooting under the vending machines, that's too humiliating even for me... not that my standards are particularly high, being a lonely loser.

Anyway, at last, as I reach the vending machine, I take one last look around me. Nobody's there, thankfully... I can at least spare myself the humiliation of being watched, even if the humiliation of having to do this in the first place still sticks around as it always has.

I set my bag down and got down flat on my stomach, peering under the vending machine to see if I could spot any coins... please, let there be something...

Nope. Nothing.

Not even a 100 yen coin.

I sighed. Another day of disappointment... but I guess I shouldn't expect much from this area. Nobody comes here, and that's exactly the point. This is a fact that I accepted a long time ago, it's something that just is the way it is...

So why is it still so fucking upsetting, just to think about?

* * *

"Natsukiiiiiiiii!!"

I already know who's so excited to see me before she crashes into me with all the grace of a rhinoceros, but I don't have the time or energy to react quick enough to her.

And just like that, she'd already pounced, gripping me in a tight bear hug and crushing me in her arms.

"A-Ah! Sayori!!" I cried out. "C-Calm down!!"

Of course, telling Sayori to calm down was useless. Her energy was utterly boundless, in every sense of the word.

"Natsukiiiiii~!!" She again shouted. "Naaat suuuu kiiii~!!!"

"Why are you so excited to see me?!" I cried out.

"Aw, c'mooon~! Can't I be excited to see my new friend?"

"We _literally_ just met yesterday!"

"We're friends, though, aren't we?" She asked. My face flushed as she asked me that... friends?

"I-I, uhmn, I..." I gulped, and Sayori actually settled down.

"O-Oh, ehe, s-sorry, that's... a bit unreasonable of me to ask..." She apologized, looking uncharacteristically sad - well, uncharacteristically from what I'd seen of her over the course of two days. It probably wasn't right of me to assume she didn't feel the full range of emotions, but still... a frown like that didn't really suit her face. It looked out of place on her.

I sighed, feeling kinda bad even though she was totally right. "Hey, uh, don't worry... I, uh..." I wasn't used to this... just, y'know, talking to someone in general. Someone besides... well...

"No, sorry, it's my bad..." Sayori said. She smiled at me, but it wasn't a joyous smile; rather, it was a solemn, apologetic smile. It only made me feel worse.

"No, no, don't worry... erm... uh..." Fuck, I was just sitting here hemming and hawing... "Uh... w-why don't we... take a bit more time to get to know each other, huh?" I suggested. This was really out of place for me - not only was I talking for more than a minute to someone, but I was trying to reassure them?

Sayori looked at me and nodded. "Yeah... that sounds okay," She finally said, nodding slowly.

"Ah, good..." I said, looking down... I really didn't know this girl all that well, and yet here I was consoling her on the second day of us knowing each other. This was just... really, really weird for me. It makes me think back to meeting her yesterday...

* * *

_The "incident" just kinda started randomly in the hallway. I was walking towards the exit door in the hallway, when some girl - who I now know is Sayori - approached me._

_"Hey!" She said, startling me. I didn't know who she was or what she wanted from me, but she seemed pretty enthusiastic about whatever it is she wanted to talk to me about._

_"U-Uh..." I started, not really sure what to say from here..._

_"Do you like literature~?" She asked out of the blue._

_"L-Literature...?" I asked._

_"Yeah, literature! Books, poetry, even manga! That sorta thing!"_

_"M-Manga...?"  
_

_"Mhmn, mhmn!" She assured, nodding her head._

_"W-Well... I-I... I do like m-manga..." I admitted, hanging my head. It was hard for me to talk about my interest in manga, it was... too embarrassing._

_"Ooh, perfect! You should totally join the literature club!"_

_"C-Club...?"  
_

_"Mhmn! We only have three members, so we're teeeeechnically not a club yet, but if you join, we'll meet the requirements!"_

_"You only need 4 people to start a club...?"_

_"Mhmn!" Sayori nodded, unclipping her satchel and rooting through it for a slightly crumbled-up piece of paper, that she promptly read from. "Four members - one club president, and 3 club members to vote on club policy! It has to be 3 so that the votes won't meet a stalemate," She explained._

_"W-Well, uh... I-I dunno..." I stammered. Joining a club didn't feel very... "me," I guess. I wasn't good at talking to people, and being in a club with three other people kinda felt... off. Plus, I didn't know how papa would feel about it..._

_"Oh, come on! At least give it a shot!"_

_"I-I just-"_

_"C'mon, I'll show you, I'm sure you'll love it!"_

_Without warning, she grabbed my wrist and started dragging me down the hall, marching forward as though she were more determined to get there than anything in her life._

_"W-Wait! What are you doing?!"_

_"I'm just gonna show you the club, I'm sure you'll love it!"_

_"H-Hey, I never said I'd join, let me go!"_

_"I'm not making you join, I'm just insisting you come check it out! C'mooon!"_

* * *

And from there, I ended up joining the club anyway. So now I'm stuck in a club with three girls I know nothing about. Great.

So, there's Sayori; she's the one I know the best, but that's just because she's so talkative; for instance, she's rambling to me about something right now, but I'm not really paying attention. I'm sure it can wait for the club room, which we're talking to right now. She's a sweet, cheerful, well-meaning girl, if a bit... assertive, so to speak?

Then there's Monika. I know Monika's name, and that of the Katsuji family, all to well. They're a pretty rich family, definitely one of the richest in this town and maybe all of Fukui prefecture - of course, it's not like Fukui is known for being astonishingly wealthy or anything. But still, the Katsuji family has made a name for itself in the prefecture, and Monika herself has made a name for herself in the school. She's participated in a lot of clubs, including student council, of which she is the president. Of course, I wonder why someone as popular and well-off as herself would start a club with the minimum amount of members, but I guess she just has a passion for literature...

And then there's the other girl. Was Yuri her name? Yeah, that sounds right... maybe it's a bit hypocritical of me to judge her based on literally nothing, but she seemed kinda... weird. Something about her gave off that weird emo vibe... maybe it was the book she was reading? I didn't get a good look at the title, but it was in Russian for some reason, with a Japanese translation underneath. Plus, she had that dark purple hair... oh, and she had a really hard time looking at me, but when she did, her eyes sparkled for some reason... it kinda made me uncomfortable, but honestly, it's probably just me. She hardly even said a word to me, either... she's just a weird, quiet kid I guess. So long as I don't bother her, I'm sure we could coexist just fine.

"Oh, Natsuki, here it is!" Sayori suddenly called out. I awoke from my train of thought and looked around to see that I'd slightly passed ahead of her, and she was waving for me from the club room door.

"O-Oh, sorry..." I said, walking over to her and stepping in the door. Monika smiled at me as I entered the room, and Yuri took one quick glance at me before she buried her head in her book.

"Glad to see you could make it, Natsuki," Monika said with a smile.

"Well, yeah, I had to," I said.

"Still," Monika began, standing up from her desk, "It's good that you chose to commit. After all, now that you've joined the club, we can get more serious about things. You see, each club is required-"

"Er, Monika, I already explained it to her~" Sayori interjected.

"Ah, yes," Monika said, "My apologies, then."

"Haha, don't worry~!" Sayori said with a cheerful wink. She'd completely shaken off the doubt she was feeling earlier. This was the sort of Sayori I was more used to seeing - again, the Sayori I'd become accustomed to over just two days. Er, honestly, barely even a day.

"Well, since that's all sorted out, like I already said, we can take things a bit more seriously now - some genuine literature-related activities!" Monika said, clapping her hands together. Far off in the corner of the room, Yuri jumped from the sound - I'll admit, it got me, too. Sayori seemed unfazed, though.

"What sort of plans do you have, Monika?" Sayori asked enthusiastically. This sort of thing clearly excited her - she didn't exactly come off as the sort of person with a ton of interest in literature, but... how many times am I gonna realize I'm making useless assumptions based on 2 days of knowing her? Do I do this a lot?

"Well, that's exactly it - I'd like to brainstorm something with you all. I'm sure you each have good ideas to contribute, right?" Monika said. Yeah, right... I didn't have any damned ideas, the only stuff I ever read was manga and _sometimes_ fanfiction, if that. I was hardly a literary mastermind, or even knowledgeable about the subject. Apparently Sayori didn't have any ideas, either, and if Yuri had any, she was keeping it a well-kept secret, her book clutched close to her chest as she looked to the floor wordlessly.

Okay, so this is kind of a tangent, but Yuri... kinda interested me, in a weird way. I mean, I didn't know anything about her, but that was exactly it - in manga, the _dandere_ always has some sort of interesting secret or tragic past, and Yuri was giving me huge _dandere_ vibes.

...wow, I am such a loser. Is this why I don't have any friends?

"Ooh!!" Sayori suddenly perked up, distracting me from my train of thought - which is probably for the better, honestly. "I have an idea!"

"Do you? Pray tell," Monika asked.

"So, what do you guys think of a 'book of the week?' Basically, we each pick a book to read each week, and we discuss its themes and plot and stuff as we read it throughout the week!"

Monika golf clapped. "Excellent idea, Sayori! Let's take it to a vote then, shall we? After all, that's the point of having 3 other club members," She remarked. I guess it did make sense that, as soon as we met the minimum requirements for a club, we'd take advantage of our ability to vote.

"Okey dokey!" Sayori interjected. "All in favor of weekly books, say 'aye!'"

Sayori immediately threw up her hand. Yuri's hand remained clutched firmly around her book. Monika, being club president, couldn't vote; this meant that the final deciding vote was mine to cast. And to be frank... I wasn't really sure how to vote.

I mean, sure, "weekly book" isn't the sort of thing I was jumping for joy for... I mean, it meant I'd have to share my interests with everyone every day of the week, as if doing a presentation every day. And I'm not exactly the biggest fan of public speaking, even if I'm publicly speaking to just three other people. But on the other hand... Sayori seemed really excited about this, and I saw earlier that she can get sad from time to time. I didn't wanna upset her or anything, that'd just make me feel guilty...

So, begrudgingly, I raised my hand up in the air. "Aye," I voted unenthusiastically. I guess we sometimes just gotta put up with something we don't wanna...

Still, the situation annoyed a part of me - a pretty big part of me, honestly. Let's look at the timeline of events, shall we? I was dragged here and pressured to join this club, and now again I'm pressured into voting for something I really don't wanna do. Aren't clubs supposed to be about giving the students more choice, or whatever? Well why am I not getting much of a real choice in any of this? Am I just a pushover? Why am I here?

I gritted my teeth, but ended up just pouting and folding my arms. Sayori cheered, of course, and Monika smiled as she went on about how excited she was to do all this shit or whatever. But honestly, I couldn't bring myself to care. Why was I even here? What was I going to get out of this?

As annoyed as I'd suddenly become, there was nothing I could do about it now. I'm knee-deep in this now.

So, when Sayori turned to me and asked if I was excited for what we were going to be doing, I had one thing to say:

"Sure."


	3. Witness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein a chance encounter sets me down a... peculiar path.

I paced back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Again and again and again and again and again. Isn't this supposed to help you focus? N-No, that's probably something I made up... in all likelihood, this is a pointless activity that only serves to make everyone more nervous.

Monday. That's today - the day so many students dread, myself included. But this Monday was especially horrible for me. Why? Well, because last week, the literature club voted on the "weekly book" idea - that every week, each of us would read a particular book, and that each day we would share information about it - themes, plot developments, the like. Of course, it sounded like a nightmare to me, for a myriad of reasons. The obvious initial problem was my inability to properly communicate with those around me - my social ineptitude, as it were. Naturally, that would serve as a barrier to prevent me from making any serious attempt at communicating with them about anything, least of all the sort of books I like to read...

Which leads into the second issue: that the sort of books I like to read would garner confusion, judgement, or even terror and hatred from the other club members. Horror novels with violent themes and unhappy endings, nihilistic Russian philosophy, that sort of genre - well, not a genre, per say, but a sort of category of literature deemed "creepy" by the general public. If I _somehow_ managed to overcome the initial barrier (which itself was exceedingly improbable), I'd then meet the barrier of judgement and scorn from my fellow club members. Sayori wouldn't be too unkind about it - she was a sweet girl, even if she was hard to interact with. But for as kind as Monika liked to seem, she was very imposing, and her popularity with the so-called "normal" masses of the school would skew her perspective to view my "weird" interests more negatively. As for Natsuki... it's hard to tell with her, being that I barely know her. I don't know what she's like or who she interacts with, so I cannot conclude with 100% certainty how she would react to my sorts of interests. Regardless of percentiles, however, I can reasonably assume that she would consider my interests strange enough to want to distance herself from me. She didn't seem "like" me, if that makes any sense... the loud resistance to Sayori's affection, the reasonable performance under Monika and Sayori's scrutinous questioning, even the physical details like her pink hair and general superiority of prettiness in comparison to me... she was nothing like me. A blind man could tell you that. Therefore, it was safe to make the assumption that she would not take kindly to the sorts of things I like to read.

The conclusion of all this mental meandering is that "weekly book" is the worst thing to ever happen to me in the history of the literature club. I joined this club because I felt a passion for literature, and found a comfortable home where I was able to read without concern; and yet, here it is being molded into something that will create only misery for me.

I sighed, ceasing my pacing now as I tapped my foot on the ground. Perhaps I should think of this from another perspective - that of Sayori, Monika, and Natsuki. They - well, at least Monika and Sayori, I can't tell how Natsuki feels - want to improve this club. They want to make it more active, now that we meet the membership requirement. Up to this point, all we did was... nothing, really. I sat in the back and read, while Monika and Sayori discussed possible future plans without me. Now that we're officially a real club, it's logical to want to expand our activities beyond the current state. Perhaps I was holding them down... no, certainly I was holding them down. Three capable girls with a vision for the club, and one useless girl who wanted to do nothing but read in isolation. Indeed, I was a burden.

But I was in the unfortunate position of being a burden without the choice of leaving. To be totally honest, as much as I didn't want to leave the literature club, it would be better if they could move on without me. But in the current state, my absence would be a greater burden than my presence; for without me, the club would be back down to 3 members, and thus would be unable to expand its activities. This was the worst possible situation for me; the best course of action would entail that I indeed had to endure the humiliation of going through "weekly book," remaining unable to leave until the unlikely situation arose that another person joined the club.

This was the most logical conclusion, and it pained me that it was as much. I looked down to my bag, resting on the ground, the top of it sticking out. The book in question from Fyodor Dostoevsky's _Notes from Underground_ \- while relatively tame as far as my literary interests went, it was still a nihilistic and bleak book about a man who reminisces on his youth and despises everyone around him. The book even opens with the now-famous phrase, _"I am a sick man... I am a wicked man. An unattractive man. I think my liver hurts."_

...okay, perhaps that isn't the best way of illustrating why the book is perhaps out of the way of common high school culture, but still, the point stands that it is. I could talk all day about _Notes from Underground_ , but that isn't important to the overarching point. The issues lies in that it's not a piece of literature my fellow club members will be able to relate to.

I sighed again - perhaps I do it too often. I glanced down again at my back, the handle of a knife just barely sticking out of it. Not now, I'm too jumpy. I could seriously hurt myself if I didn't exercise proper caution, like I normally do. I guess it'll have to wait for later... I leaned against the wall. Huuph... perhaps I should try eating something to calm my nerves. Just around the corner from this spot, there lie a set of scarcely-used vending machines I could procure something from. I should have enough money on my person to get myself something. A candy bar, perhaps? I do like kit-kats...

I slung my bag - a rather nice school satchel - around my shoulder after I retrieved my wallet from it, and began to make my way around the corner. I stopped myself, however, and threw myself back behind the corner.

There was... somebody there?!

N-Nobody ever uses these vending machines... that's the entire purpose of my being here! I spend lunch behind this corner because it's an area that gets very little traffic, enough that I can reliably depend on not meeting another person here. And yet, there was someone at the vending machines...

I peered back around the corner, making sure to keep myself hidden. Indeed, there was somebody there, hungrily eyeing the goods kept behind the glass. To my surprise, however, it was somebody I recognized - Natsuki, from the literature club. I can't imagine what motivated her to come to these vending machines as opposed to any of the others in the school - these ones, after all, were far removed from anywhere the student body would want to be. Even the outdoor cafeteria tables were a sizable distance from here. I suppose she wanted to be alone, like me...? I couldn't help but smile at the possibility that we were more similar than I initially presumed...

My smile quickly dropped, however, as I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to keep myself from gasping. This was... s-she...

She was looking under the vending machines...?

I couldn't wrap my head around it... w-wh... why...? Was she looking for dropped snacks, money? I can't imagine why anyone would need to do that... though, perhaps it wasn't out of "need?" I can't imagine any other reason to do that, though...

I turned back around the corner, hiding myself completely behind the wall, and again tried to think through her perspective. I... I would be just the worst, to her. From where I stood, I was but an observer, making the sorts of observations she no doubt never wanted anyone to make. That must be why she comes here as opposed to the other vending machines - so that nobody witnesses her. And I had just defeated that point, and even if I didn't mean to, I was still silently judging her for it. I was the manifestation of her fears... well, the manifestation of the fears I presumed she had. But I had enough experience with loneliness to feel confident in my assessments.

I sighed and looked back around the corner. Natsuki was still searching under the vending machine, until her face lit up - she'd found something. She retracted her arm and stood up, brandishing in her hand a yen coin - from where I was, I couldn't make out the denomination. From the looks of things, though, it didn't seem like a particularly huge amount, as her sparkling smile dwindled to an unsatisfied grimace. She looked at the vending machine again, and back at the coin. And back at the vending machine, and at the coin again. Again and again, a few more times. Her lip quivered, but rather than crying she just gritted her teeth and kicked the vending machine, stuffing the coin in her bag and storming off.

As soon as she was gone, I returned to hiding completely behind the corner. I felt the distinct notion that I'd just witnessed something that I was not meant to witness. But... what exactly was I supposed to do now? I didn't want to act unnatural around her now that I'd seen that... well, more unnatural than I would anyway. My behaviors, especially in a social setting, cannot be described as "natural" or "normal." But that's besides the point; I won't want to act suspicious, lest she conclude that I knew something I shouldn't - which, of course, I do.

The conclusion? Well... I have to do something, don't I? I have to present some information on my book today, and listen to Natsuki's presentation... if I simply do nothing, I won't be able to sit through either and act naturally. I need... satisfaction.

I looked down at my hand, remember why I'd resolved to go around the corner in the first place - to get something from the vending machine. I had ample money - well, not _ample_ , per say, but I had enough to spare. I looked back around the corner at the vending machine... were... w-were I to deliberately place some money under the vending machine, I... it would be helping her... wouldn't it? She seemed upset enough at only finding a small denomination that it seemed like she really hoped for something good.

I took a deep breath and came out from around the corner, my heart racing as I approached it, wallet in hand. As I came up to it, I unbuttoned my wallet - from it, I pulled a 100 yen coin... no, I can be generous. I pulled a 500 yen coin from my wallet and got down on my hands and knees to carefully place it underneath the vending machine.

I sighed and looked around as I got up - indeed, perhaps I sighed too much. Still, this was utterly nerve-wracking... at any moment, she could've come back, or someone else could've come around and seen me. It must take a lot of courage for her to do this...

I looked around again, just to confirm that nobody was there. I needed to rely on that... that nobody would be there the rest of today, or tomorrow. The area was generally empty, so I hoped nobody would find the coin there before Natsuki... but in order to ensure that was the case, I'd need to be there to witness her find the coin. That's... not unreasonable, I don't think. I mean, after all, I always came to this spot anyway, right? Looking out for her and ensuring that she found the coin just added a little extra for me to do during my lunch break, and that's reasonable... it was barely any more effort.

I smiled to myself, my beating heart calming down as I returned to my place around the corner. This was... satisfying. I felt that I'd done a good deed, and even if Natsuki never knew that it was me, I could sleep soundly knowing I was providing a source of joy for her.

So, what was the conclusion of all this? In a way, it was a conclusion to a conclusion - earlier I'd concluded that I was going to have trouble presenting to Sayori, Monika, and Natsuki. And after Natsuki left, I concluded that I especially wouldn't be able to act naturally around her. But having done this, I felt... satisfied. It made me feel oddly good about myself... perhaps I wouldn't have so much trouble with this after all. Perhaps I would never have to leave the literature club, even if we gained another member. Perhaps I could even grow to call them my friends...

I smirked and shook my head as I walked off, bag slung over my shoulder. Wishful thinking like that will get me nowhere.


	4. One Yen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I have another bad day.

Every day, lunch is almost the same for me. Ironically, despite it being the period where we're supposed to each lunch, I almost always end up going hungry, rooting under the vending machines and hoping that I find a useful amount of money. Most of the time, I find absolutely nothing. I could only pray to find something good, but it's not like that would do me any good...

I wasn't exactly in the best of spirits today - not that I ever fuckin' was. But hey, maybe there'll be some good money under the vending machine today. Probably not, but a girl can hope.

Still, reality is and has always been a fucking cunt. I know there's probably nothing here - rarely is there anything here. Nobody comes by here, cuz there's rarely any reason to. This is an area far removed from the rest of the school, and all that's here is the vending machines - even then, why would you go out of your way to come to these when you could use one of the ones in the school, closer to the cafeteria? The only people who ever use these are hooligans skipping class, and, well... me. Eh, I probably fit under the "hooligan" umbrella to be honest. So yeah, the only people use use these vending machines are hooligans, and even then they don't use them that often.

Which... doesn't exactly help my situation. I looked hopelessly, hungrily, at the snacks stored behind the vending machine glass... at the top, there were drinks - stuff like water bottles, energy drinks, and sodas. I'd probably like a soda, but it's not filling enough to justify spending money on it; energy drinks are gross, and if I wanted water I could just go to the water fountain. So I never got stuff from the top.

Below that, candy bars. I got those pretty often, and while they tasted good, they didn't provide quite the meal I was looking for. Still, if I had enough money for one, I'd usually buy it - beggars can't be choosers, after all, especially when it comes to something as essential as food.

Below those were the ideal meals - bags of chips. Just a bit more expensive than the candy bars, but a lot more filling. Whenever I could get one of those, it was a good lunch. Definitely worth saving up for, but sometimes I'm too hungry to pass down the candy bars - and when I say that, I meant most of the time.

At the very bottom lie the pipe dreams - luxuries that were too good to be dreamed of. Pre-packaged honey buns, cinnamon rolls, even danishes! They were the most expensive things in the vending machine, so obviously I've never had them. I can't afford to save up for them and skip out on chips or candy. So I just get to stare longingly at them, luxuries beyond my wildest dreams...

...luxuries? Did I just call cold, pre-packed, vending machine honey buns "luxuries?" Wow, that's... really fuckin' sad. But hey, I was a really fuckin' sad person, so it works out. It's beyond my wildest dreams, though, so it's not like I minded.

From top row to bottom row, the items in the vending machine were 100 yen, 200 yen, 300 yen, and 500 yen. Pocket change to most people, but to me, I had to save up scraps and coins just to afford one item. It's not like anyone would ever drop a 500 yen coin and not notice it, and even if someone _did_ do that, they probably wouldn't do it at this vending machine. My chances of ever accumulating enough money for a bottom-row item are slim to none. But still... a girl can hope.

Sighing, I stopped my longing and got down on the ground - I'd gotten used to it by this point, and I was confident enough that nobody was around to just go for it. And it there was someone around, well... fuck me, I guess.

Anyway, I looked around under the vending machine. Usually, you could tell just from looking whether there was something there. But I still always felt around with my hand, just in case - and this time, it seems my hopes were rewarded.

"Yes!" I cheered quietly - it was stupid for me to get excited over something like this, but... come on! This doesn't happen very often, it's natural for my heart to start racing, for my face to get all flushed, for my skin to get hot even as I grip the cold coin. I wonder how much it is? 50? 100? Maybe even 500? I know I shouldn't be getting my hopes up, but I'm just so fucking excited... do I normally get this excited? I-I dunno... maybe it's just that it's been so long since I found something good, that I've gotten so excited at the possibility that I might be able to get something?

Time feels like it's moving slower, which is fucking annoying since I want to see how much this coin is worth as soon as possible. I clenched my fists and pushed them against the ground, standing myself up on my feet and looking down at the coin in my hand. How much was it?!

...

...

...

...one.

...

ONE.

FUCKING.

YEN.

I was ready to scream, or cry, or honestly probably both. This was too much, this was just too fucking much. I couldn't fucking deal, man, I just fucking couldn't. One yen? ONE FUCKING YEN?! ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! ARE YOU MAKING A MOCKERY OUT OF ME?! HAVE I NOT FUCKING SUFFERED ENOUGH?!

I raised my fist in the air, tears welling at the corners of my eyes. I swear I was so fucking ready to throw this stupid fucking coin on the ground, right back under the vending machine where I found it, but... I knew I couldn't. I couldn't afford to give up any single yen I found, I had to save everything I could. But still... this... this had to be some form of mockery, right? Who playing a trick on me? Some fucking hooligans? God? Fate? Whatever it is that's probably not out there?

I looked up at the vending machine, the snacks on the other side taunting me, as if they knew the last time I had a meal was 8 days ago when papa fell asleep before finishing his takeout, and they were making fun of me for it. It wasn't fair - it wasn't fucking fair!! Not just that I didn't get enough money to buy something, but that I had to fucking stoop to this level in the first place! Why the fuck did I have to live like this?! Why?! FUCKING WHY?!

Suddenly, I kicked the vending machine - hard, as if it were its fault for everything I'd been through, for the way I lived. But I knew inside that it was nobody's fault but my own. And it was my fault for this disappointment, too - if I just hadn't gotten my hopes up, I'd be fine right now. But I'm such a fucking idiot that I couldn't help but hope for something, when I know full well I should've just expected to get nothing, since that's usually what happens anyway.

Dissatisfied to say the least, I stuffed the coin in my bag and stormed off, doing everything I can to fight the tears back.

* * *

"Naaaaaaaaaaaaat-suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~!!!!"

That's a voice I know - but that's all the time I have to register before its source pounces onto me, wrapping its arms around me in a skeleton-crushing bear hug. That's Sayori, alright.

"G-GHAH!!" I gasped, my ribs practically piercing my lungs. "F-Fuck!! S-Sayori!!" I cried out.

"Naaaaaatsuki!!" Sayori again squealed. "I'm shooooo sho sho sho SHO happy to see you~!!!"

"W-We've only known each other for two days!!" I sputtered. "L-Let go, you're crushing me!!"

"Waaah! Sorry, sorry!" She squealed out, at last relinquishing her grip and letting me breathe.

"G-God!" I sighed, taking a deep breath in and out as Sayori relinquished her grip. "F-Fuck... S-Sayori...! Your grip is too tight!"

She chuckled nervously. "A-Ahaha! Sorry, I just got excited!"

"Yeah, that seems to happen a lot..." I remarked, regaining my composure.

"Aww, what can I say? I just really like you~" Sayori said, booping me on the nose.

"H-Hey!" I began, my face going red.

"Hehe~ cute~"

I shuddered. "Cute..." I don't like that word.

"I'm not cute!!" I insisted.

"Yes you are~"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you aaaaare~"

And so it continued, back and forth as we walked down the hall to the club room door. Honestly, after that incident at lunch today, I was still pretty pissed off. But fucking whatever - I have to put it behind me right now, or at least just pretend it wasn't bothering me. I'm glad we're reaching the door soon, 'cuz I've just about had it with Sayori calling me cute...

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!" I insisted with finality, as we finally reached the club. Monika was sitting at her desk, doing some paperwork, and Yuri - predictably - was sitting in the corner, reading a book. Interestingly, her head piqued up as we entered the room, but she just as quickly buried her face back in the pages. What a strange girl, honestly... but hey, I guess you could say I'm strange too. Maybe I should stop being so judgmental.

"Yes y-"

"Sayori, Natsuki!" Monika announced loudly, interrupting Sayori. "So you've made it; let's get ready, shall we? We have a book presentation to do, of course~"

I nodded begrudgingly - I didn't really wanna do this, and honestly I should've just stood up for myself and voted against it. But it was far too late to reconsider now, and I couldn't just say "I don't wanna."

"Ooh, yeah! Can I go first?" Sayori enthusiastically volunteered, allowing me to sigh in relief. Honestly, it wasn't deserved relief - I'd have to go anyway, this just postponed it shortly. Still, it'd be less awkward to go second or third than first - and I say "second or third" because, given what I've seen of her, I can almost guarantee Yuri will go last.

"Excellent enthusiasm, Sayori!" Monika doted. "Go ahead, you can present first~"

"Alrighty!" Sayori said, skipping up to the front of the classroom - well, no, not the front. It's easy to say it's the front of the classroom, but really it's not; she ran over to the side of the classroom, the side by the door, opposite from Monika's desk. The front of the classroom was a bit of a walk from the left of the side door - well, it'd be the left if you were walking in through it. From where I was sitting, the front of the class was to the right of the door.

Anyway, Sayori went up to the side wall to the left of entry door, where there was a bulletin board behind her, and held her book up with two hands. It was a relatively plain book, brown in color, with the title emblazoned in gold: "LOLITA."

"LOLITA!" Sayori suddenly shouted, startling Yuri in the back. "That's the name of this book! By Vladimir Nabokov!"

Vladimir Nabokov? Can't say I'd ever heard that name before, but I wasn't too terribly familiar with western authors, so that'd be the reason.

"L-Lolita?!" Yuri suddenly cried from the back, apparently in shock. It was the loudest I'd ever heard her speak, but as attention drew to her, she recoiled in her seat. "C-C... C-Carry on..." She whimpered, covering her eyes with her bangs.

Sayori went on. "I started this book over the weekend, and I got about a couple chapters in! It's really weird so far!" She said, her line delivery like a shouting contest between her and herself. She was... certainly projecting her voice, in a way.

"Werid? Weird how?" Monika asked.

"Well, uh, lemme explain the plot! It starts off with this guy explaining that the book is _actually_ the memoirs of this guy who died in prison! Anyway, the guy falls in love with this youthful-looking girl who dies, which makes him obsessed with preteen girls!"

If I had water - or tea, I guess, or something like that - I would've spat it out. W-What the fuck?! What sorts of books were Sayori reading?!"

"A-Aha, I see..." Monika said, tapping her fingers against her desk. "And then what?"

"I didn't get past that!"

"Mhmn... I see..." Monika said again. "Would you have anything else on it you'd like to share?"

"Nuh-uh! I'll probably have more to say as I read more of it!"

"Aha... understood. You can be seated, now," Monika said, dismissing Sayori with a flick of her wrist. "Well, I suppose I'll go now. Might as well, right?"

Monika stepped to the front of the room, gently holding the book to her side. "My title is _Nip the Buds, Shoot the Kids_ , by Kenzaburo Oe," She announced to the class. Nobody said anything, so she went on.

"The plot concerns fifteen adolescent boys, sent to a rural village in post-World War II Japan. Upon their arrival, however, they find the village devastated by plague; the rest of the village flees, leaving the boys to their fate in the village. A Korean boy eventually joins them, though... that's as far as I got. As for themes, it seems to deal with despair and abandonment - though, given the depressing post-war setting and villagers' cruelty, that shouldn't be much of a surprise, should it?"

I looked down at my lap. Everyone has had such dark books thus far... mine's totally not gonna fit in place. It's honestly really embarrassing, but... I wasn't just gonna pick some random-ass book out of the library and read it even though I wasn't interested in it. Sigh.

Monika sat down, as being that Yuri didn't exactly leap at the opportunity to go present, I begrudgingly stood up and shuffled to the front of the class. Close to my chest, I nervously lifted up my book of choice in front of me, the cover colorfully displaying the protagonist striking a dramatic pose.

"M-M..." I stuttered. "M-My b-book of choice... i-is... _E-Emerald is Unshatterable_..."

I looked around - Sayori smiled eagerly, giving me a thumbs up. Monika looked on with the same smile she always had, and Yuri glanced intermittently between her lap and me.

"S-So, uhmn... t-this is my... f-favorite manga, a-and, uh... I-I figured I'd do it for the b-book of the week..." I sputtered out. I normally wasn't this shy, but... ugh, presenting clearly wasn't exactly my thing, especially when it involves presenting a niche interest that a lot of people judge.

"What's the plot, Natsuki?" Monika asked loudly from her desk.

"Uh... it's about a boy, n-named Joichiro Joshire... a-and, h-he, uh, he's a h-high school student... w-who, uhmn, h-he... h-he has this power, c-called a 'vision,' w-which basically just gives him a unique power... a-and a lot of other p-people in the town have visions too... a-and, uh, h-he has to fight them..."

Sayori smiled and gave me two big thumbs up.

"That's excellent, Natsuki," Monika said, keeping that same smile on her face. "You can sit down, now."

I did as much, bolting for the seat I'd taken next to Sayori.

"You did great!!" Sayori said, encouraging me by setting a hand on my shoulder. I flinched and tensed up as she put her hand on me, but... it was okay.

"T-Thanks..." I said, slipping my book in my bag. That was utterly miserable... I barely said anything, but just submitting myself to the scrutiny of everyone in the room was just... awful.

But for the quiet, timid Yuri, it must've been a living nightmare. She slowly crept up to the presenting area and looked out at everyone - her breathing was heavy, her face was flushed, and her book was held tightly to her chest.

"I-I..." She gulped. "M-My... m... m-my... b-book of choice... i-is... uhmn... N... _N-Notes from Underground_... b-by... F... F-Fyodor D-D-Dostoevsky..."

"Plot?" Monika asked.

"W-Well... u-uhmn... t-t-this, uhmn, I-I've... I-I've actually... I-I've actually r-read this book, a-a... uhmn... ah... a-a few t-times before... u-uhmn... s-so... t... t-the first p-portion of this book, uhmn, d-d... d-doesn't... d-doesn't r-really have m-much of a... p-plot... r-really... i-it, uhmn, i-it... i-it's j-j-just the... k-kinda, uhmn... t-the ramblings, o-of the n-n-narrator... t-the _u-underground man_ , a-a-as it w-were..."

Monika nodded. "Well, what sorts of themes does he develop in his ramblings?"

"W-Well... h-he... h-he is... v-very... n-n-n-nihilistic... h-he... uhmn... h-he d-describes himself as... s-sick... s-sick and w-w-wicked... I-I believe he describes a t-toothache as enjoyable..."

"Hmn, I see. Well, that's satisfactory. You may sit down for now, Yuri."

Yuri nodded and sat down, trembling as she hastily paced back over to the corner of the room. Monika stood up and went to the presenting spot, the de facto front of the room at this point.

"Well," She began, "I can tell we're all a little out of our element, so to speak. A bit nervous, too? Well, as time goes on, I'm sure we'll be more comfortable around each other - at least comfortable enough to do this sort of thing, no?"

Sayori nodded eagerly, and I followed suit - with less fervor, though.

"Good! Now, Sayori, as vice president, I'd like for you to discuss with me some future club activities. Does that sound good?"

"Ooh, yeah! That sounds great! Seeya, Nats!" Sayori said, skipping over to Monika. Monika, however, led Sayori back to the teacher's desk, from which I moved away and towards some random desk in the middle of the room.

I sighed, pulling _Emerald is Unshatterable_ from my bag and opening it up. I guess I could go for a reread - I did have it with me, after all, so I might as well reread it. This was _literature_ club, and there was nothing more literary than reading. I guess that's why Yuri did it so much - well, that and her clear social ineptitude.

...ugh, that sounded mean. That's not how I meant it. I just meant she's... not good with people. And to be fair, neither am I, but still... she seems to have it a lot worse than I do. At least in that department. And who knows, maybe in general, too? But that's an assumption that oversteps my boundaries.

I sighed. I'm tired. And hungry. You know, those two things I literally always am?

I looked around. Sayori and Monika were, of course, talking at the teacher's desk. Yuri was buried in the back corner, doing whatever it is she does. And I was just sitting here in the middle of the room, doing nothing. What a lively club we have! We all barely present a book once a day, and then sit around doing nothing! Maybe it's just because Yuri and I weren't putting our all in... which, in our defense, was fair. But still, I felt a bit for not contributing... but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, so I guess it was a moot point.

Man, everything does just go in circles. It's a cycle - a viscous cycle, at that. I remember hearing that phrase somewhere, and I think it kinda applies here. At least Monika and Sayori are doing their best to make the club a better place. It just sucks to know I'm not really contributing anything, like a leech, sucking the life out of this club... adding to the list of parasites I was. Are leeches a parasite? Doesn't matter, the analogy works fine. Either way, it's a way of confirming that I am, as I'd always thought, totally fucking useless in every considerable regard. And I'd always known that, regardless of situation. It just fucking sucks.

I sighed, and quietly accepted that my uselessness extended to this club. I didn't like it; really, I fucking hated it. I hated that I was so useless, and I just wished that I could do something, anything, to help, even if it was against my own nature. But I didn't even know what to do, and I couldn't break my own inability to have basic fucking interactions with other human beings.

I was truly and thoroughly a useless person.


	5. Making Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I try to form meaningful conclusions about myself, my actions, and my feelings.

The time my phone said was 12:15 PM - precisely the time lunch began. I shouldn't expect her to be here on the dot exactly, but I suppose checking couldn't hurt... accordingly, I peeked my head around the corner, looking around the vending machines to look for signs of Natsuki. As expected, nothing. I recoiled back around the corner, pressing my back tightly against the wall and exhaling as I tried to relax myself. She wasn't here, and she likely wouldn't be here for a good bit. But still, the very fact that I was hiding from someone out of fear that they might find me was enough to make me seriously nervous... as far as I knew, Natsuki didn't really have much of an opinion on me - after all, she had no reason to, being that we'd barely interacted in the time we've known each other - or rather, the time since we became aware of one another's existence. The conclusion was that if I erred, especially by being caught watching her from a corner, her opinion of me would be seriously negatively impacted. And that's not good for anyone.

I looked down, absentmindedly checking my phone for the time. 12:16 PM. She could be here any moment; no, that's preposterous. I don't know how far it was into lunch that she arrived yesterday, but it certainly wasn't this early. Still, I checked - and again, nothing. I expected as much; perhaps it's good on its own that I'm checking, so as to make sure that nobody else uses the vending machines or finds the money. Though, if someone did, what would I even do? I wouldn't be able to walk up to them and demand it, and even if I could, they've have no reason to surrender it. On that note, I should also consider the possibility that someone already found the money, and that it was gone by now. Were that the case, well... I'd certainly be upset, to say the least. Additionally, I had no confirmation that Natsuki came to this vending machine every day - it could've been but a one-off incident yesterday, the sole time she decided to check there. Furthermore, I could've misjudged her purpose for searching under the vending machine to begin with - I made the assumption that she needed money to buy something from the vending machines themselves, but it well could've been she was saving up for something and needed just a bit more money to get it, but was disappointed to find not enough yen.

All considered, the conclusion was that there was no guarantee that she would show up at all, or that she would ever receive my "gift." My actions had been fueled by assumption after assumption after assumption - and while, in my defense, each assumption was the simplest conclusion to draw from the clues I had (see _Occam's Razor_ ), they were assumptions nonetheless, and all assumptions carry the potential of being false. (Well, that in of itself was misleading; there is one thing that is true, and no matter what assumptions are made, that one truth will always remain true, even if the assumptions are never disproven. No assumption has a "chance" of being true or false, because there is one truth, and the assumption will either line up with the truth, or not. But that discussion is neither here nor there.)

I wonder if I'm thinking too deeply about this... I've noticed my tendency to do such. I looked down at my phone - 12:18 PM. This was going to be a long wait...

And indeed it was; about 10 or so minutes passed, until my frequent checks around the corner finally yielded a result - that is, finally I peered Natsuki looking around herself nervously, slowly approaching the vending machine with the nervous steps of someone who doesn't want to be noticed. It would appear that at least one of my assumptions was true - that she comes here regularly. That, or she's only come here a few times, and I happened to witness two of the rare occasions occur consecutively. But that's not a safe assumption to make - again, see Occam's Razor.

Natsuki looked nervous - understandably so, given her situation. I backed further behind the corner, hiding myself even more, leaving just enough that I could see her. She looked around once more, not noticing me, and again got down on her stomach and began rummaging under the vending machine. I could see her eyebrows raise as her hand no doubt gripped the coin I'd planted. And, just like that, she lifted herself from the ground, inhaling and exhaling deeply as she held the coin in her hand. I was sure now that she was nervous - nervous after yesterday. But were I in here position, I would reassure myself with the assertion that the chances of finding two small-value coins across two consecutive days were low. But I needn't posit it to myself in such a way, I already know the value of the coin. And so too would she, soon enough.

At last, she relaxed her fist, opening her hand and looking down at the coin that lay flat in her palm. Her eyes widened, sparkling with amazement as she looked upon it - a 500 yen coin. Shortly thereafter, her mouth curled in a wide, ear-to-ear grin. 500 yen is certainly a lot more than she could anticipate to find on a normal day, anyone could tell you that. I couldn't suppress a smile as I saw how ecstatic my "gift" made her, and indeed she made no secret of her joy. She pumped her fist and celebrated with an audible "Fuck yeah!"

I pulled back around the corner, stifling a giggle. From this celebration, I could tell she was quite the goofball. How adorable~

Just as I was about to turn back around the corner to look at her, I felt a twang of guilt and looked down at my feet. It was now that I questioned whether my actions could truly be said to be "right." Indeed, what I'd done had made Natsuki happy, but... I questioned whether it was truly just for me to sit behind this corner and witness it. Anyone with eyes could tell you that Natsuki's fears lie in being seen, in this most private and humiliating of moments. I'd violated that sphere, and even if she never knew, it gave me the feeling that I shouldn't be here, and that I certainly shouldn't be watching her as she celebrated. Besides... watching people is generally considered rude, if not outright creepy. And I needn't live up to my reputation as "creepy" any more than I already do.

But in a way... were not my actions charitable? Perhaps I overstepped my boundaries, but... indeed, it seems that the decision I made had brought her joy. She is celebrating, no? And as the person who brought her the joy, it is logical that I would want to see the fruit of my labors through to the end? Even if it was just once, knowing that I brought that girl joy... it was strangely satisfying to me. I barely knew the girl, but seeing that I'd made her happy was... fulfilling, in a way. Perhaps it was a combination multiple factors; for one, she was rather pretty, and as superficial as that may be, it was indeed a positive quality of hers. Secondly, and most certainly more importantly, I'd seen her suffer already. Yesterday she felt misery, and today she felt great joy - I'd witnessed both, and the positive change was a result of my actions. That was satisfying, wasn't it? Plus, I'd had some small amount of prior association with her, being that we're both in the literature club; had it been some random student rather than Natsuki, a fellow club member, I doubt I'd take the same interest in this situation. O-Oh my, uhmn... did that paint me in a bad light? That I'd only care for someone's well being if I knew them prior, even just barely? W-Was I that shallow?

I sighed quietly and looked back around the corner, just in time to see Natsuki pull from the vending machine tray... a honey bun? Oh, yes, I suppose those are about 500 yen, aren't they? I can't say I buy from the vending machine too terribly often, so the prices aren't ingrained in my mind, but that did sound about right.

Natsuki leaned against a nearby wall, hungrily tearing open the honey bun's plastic wrapping and scarfing it down nigh instantly - and when I say instantly, I _mean_ instantly. Had I blinked, I would've missed it... she... she was, well... quite hungry to say the least. It was gone in just a moment, and she smiled happily as she licked the glaze from her fingers. That... was quite the display...

But it opened a new bag of assumptions to make. Why was she so hungry that she could eat it in just a moment like that? Was she getting enough to eat otherwise? Perhaps I was prying too much... perhaps she just skipped breakfast, and and a result, was rather hungry right now. Perhaps the conclusions I was making were wrong.

But perhaps... perhaps there _is_ a bit more to this. The possibility exists that she _doesn't_ get enough to eat, and that would be why she searches under the vending machines for money; and if that were the case, then I would not be able to be satisfied leaving it at this.

Allow me to posit it like this: there are two possible realities I can deduce from the knowledge I currently have. Either she is not food-insecure, and was simply hungry today, or she is food-insecure, for whatever reason. If she _isn't_ , then it will do no harm to her if I continue to leave her money. If she _is_ , then it would do her harm if I were to stop leaving her money, because she wouldn't be able to eat anything from the vending machine anymore, at least not regularly. The conclusion of this situation is that I should leave money for her, because either way, it won't have a negative effect. And it clearly makes her happy, which is of course an added bonus.

I looked back around the corner again, this time just in time to see Natsuki leaving, walking with a more energetic stride than she'd arrived with. As soon as she was gone, I looked down at my wallet... as I pulled two yen coins - a 500 yen coin and a 100 yen coin - from it, I smiled as I resigned myself to this fate. I had a duty to continue to provide this money to her - and if I got to see her celebrate from afar, it was but an added bonus. I can happily conclude that this is a positive arrangement: Natsuki gets to eat and feel joy, and I get the satisfaction of seeing her happy.

Perhaps being a source of joy in someone else's life will give me a purpose.

* * *

To be perfectly honest, I don't spend terribly too much effort at school. I needn't waste too much energy on it, for the material never gave me too much trouble. At worst it was tedious, but I never found it especially challenging. My teachers saw fit to place such labels upon me as "gifted" or "honored," and bestowed upon me the "honor" of studying in the school's top classes. Unfortunately, it wasn't significantly more challenging, and mostly just meant more work, both and home and school. Strangely, a good many of the students in those classes had formed their own sort of subculture, based on a sort of subtle sense of superiority. Those in the top classes had a sort of disdain for the "uneducated masses" of the regular classes, and those in the regular classes held a disdain for the "smug, uppity" students of the top classes.

I, however, never fit into the culture of the top classes - which should come as a surprise to nobody. I never really liked any of them - their sense of humor was often rather rude and... well, "edgy," for a lack of a better term (though the irony that I, of all people, would be complaining about that, is not lost on me). They were a bit loud, and much too... political. Well, when I say that, I don't necessarily mean political in the sense of politics - things like social/economic issues - but incidentally they were a bit too... socially conservative, for my taste. But I don't like to dwell on politics too much.

Either which way, the obvious conclusion was that I didn't talk to or like my fellow classmates very much, though that was for a myriad of reasons beyond what I've already discussed. I much prefer to be somewhere that I'll be as noticed as little as possible - the back corner of classrooms, the edge of debate circles, the back of the lunchroom or ideally outside... or, in the case of this moment, sticking to the side of the hallways, nearly rubbing against the wall as I made every effort to be noticed as little as possible. It didn't help my situation that I was not insignificantly taller than everyone else around me; my height was always a topic that set me apart from everyone else. My grandfather always swore my height was the result of some unproven Dutchman somewhere back in the family lineage, but discussing the topic of my own height was not something I particularly enjoyed... I took no pleasure in my significant height advantage compared to almost everyone else. It was... freakish, wasn't it? Hardly anyone else was as tall as I was... 180cm is more than most people in this country could ever imagine. It was easy to point me out as the oddball. And so, I did everything I could to compensate, and make myself as hidden as I could... it was a craft I'd become quite adept at over the years. By this point, walking so close to the wall was just something I did, something I'd become used to.

But I wasn't walking right now - it was free period. I didn't have anything to do. I could go outside, sure, but... I didn't feel like it, to be perfectly honest. It was too long a walk from here, and I could hold off until later to satiate myself. It was always a much bigger risk at school, anyway...

And so, I stood in the vacant halls, leaning against the wall, totally alone. Technically we weren't supposed to linger in the halls, even during free period, but the hall monitors didn't really enforce it that strictly. They'd just ask us what we were doing, and usually leave if things weren't too suspicious. That said... that sort of interrogation is beyond what I can handle. I should go somewhere... outside? No, I went out for lunch earlier... perhaps I could just lie low in the library. Yes, that sounds reasonable...

But no sooner did I resign myself to that, then did I see it out of the corner of my eye: a pink blur, going down a hall perpendicular to where I was. C-Could it be... N-Natsuki?!

I whirred my head in that direction, and indeed it was her - Natsuki walked past me without noticing a thing, and I shirked back in a kneejerk reaction to recoil from any potential attention. I tried to calm myself and steady my breathing, seeing that she'd just walked past without saying a thing... g-god... I... I can't say I was ready for that... still... I wonder where she's going?

I absently walked ahead, going to the corner of the hall and peeking over... and indeed there she was, walking down the hall. She turned and stopped at a door, turning the handle and pulling it open before she entered inside. Clearly that must've been her class... what was it? Room... B-13? I think that's right... it's a bit hard to tell from here, but it looks about right. I'll make sure to remember that... j-just in case it comes in handy...

I knocked myself on the head and withdrew behind the corner. How in the hell would that ever come in handy for anything except _spying_?! What's wrong with me, why would I need to know that?!

But still... perhaps... it was worth knowing, somehow... I mean, I was curious to see what her daily environment is like. She seemed to get really excited about just 500 yen under a vending machine, so I can only wonder what the rest of her day was like... no, no, I couldn't peer into the classroom. It'd be too easy to get caught... it's not worth risking, no matter how interested I am in seeing Natsuki...

I stumbled down the hall, steadying myself as I questioned myself and my motives on my way to the library. What was I doing? Why was I so interested in this girl who I knew so little about? It's perfectly okay and acceptable to want to bring her joy, even through small actions like leaving her money under the vending machine, but... spying on her in class? Isn't that a bit too far? It must be, right? To do that would be carrying it too far... b-but... still...

As I came upon the stairs, and began to descend, I tried to rationalize my actions and motivations in my head. In a way, it made sense... it was a natural progression, right? I mean, I'd already realized that at least part of the reason I decided to continue watching her during lunch was because of the dramatic difference between her miserable self and her joyous self. If she was similarly miserable during school hours, then it would be but an extension of that concept, right? It would only further the feeling of satisfaction from the vending machine happiness, right? G-God, that sounds weird... "the vending machine happiness..."

I reached the base of the stairs and walked on, looking down at the floor and occasionally glancing up to make out my location relative to the library. There was some sort of way in which my "desires," as it were, made sense. But I was having trouble rationalizing it and explaining it to myself in a way that didn't sounds... stalker-y. Oh, come on; in my entire lexicon, there existed not a single word more fit than "stalker-y?" How far have I fallen?

Either way, perhaps it mattered not whether I explained it accurately to myself; I was me, after all, and I knew that it made sense in some sort of way. Why should I care whether I can neatly package my feelings into a set of words? If I already knew what I meant, it didn't matter the way I elaborated upon it. Still... it was strange not being able to express myself like this. Language was a specialty of mine... perhaps emotions like this are too complex to be explained neatly and cleanly. W-Wait... when I say it like that, i-it makes it sound like...

The bell rang, prompting me to sigh and hang my head low. I hadn't even made it to the library yet, and now I had to trudge myself back upstairs to get to my next class...

Perhaps it was for the better I didn't continue that train of thought. As unusual as all this feels, there is a certain degree of certainty to which I can say that it... isn't normal. But I've never been normal, so perhaps it was simply an abnormal manifestation of feelings, felt by an abnormal girl. That makes sense in a way, right?

...right?


	6. Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I go through a lot of shit.

Today was one of the best days in a long time - no, really, it was!

I couldn't keep myself from thinking about it... the sweet glaze... the fluffy pastry... the underlying honey flavor... mmn... that honey bun... I... I was in love!!

Hehe, okay, maybe that's a little dramatic. But come on, it was even better than I imagined it!! So tasty! Hah, I wonder what idiot dropped a 500 yen coin under the least-used vending machine in the school? I mean, it's not like I'm complaining - I hope he comes by and drops his coins a million more times! Honey buns for Natsuki every day!

I probably would've chuckled to myself, were this not a really dumb, petty, and sad way to live. Let's be real, it's not exactly normal to be obsessing over a vending machine honey bun hours after you ate it. This attitude was a product of the way I lived, and the way I lived was pretty sad and pathetic. Part of it was the feeling of luxury I got from trying a ¥500 item after only being able to look at it for... well, ever. But really it stemmed from the fact that I was so hungry right now, that I couldn't help but obsess over even the most unimpressive food item I'd gotten to eat - well, I guess the honey bun wasn't the _least_ impressive thing. The least impressive thing was probably the half-finished box of kung pao chicken from two days ago, which I gobbled up like it was filet mignon. Either way though, you'd hardly see most people bragging about getting to eat a ¥500 honey bun. And I wasn't exactly bragging about it, but honestly that's just because I didn't have anyone to be bragging to. Except myself, I guess. But is it really bragging if you're only trying to one-up yourself? ...does that even make sense?

I threw myself down on my bed, landing on my back with a resounding "poof." I sighed - I'm hungry again, and there's nothing to eat. Papa was asleep on the couch when I last saw him, and it's so late now that I doubt he's gonna order anything to eat. So I guess I gotta just wait and hope there'll be some more money under the vending machine tomorrow... that, of course, is a pipe dream, so really I have no idea when I'm gonna eat next. Hopefully he orders something tomorrow so I can get his leftovers.

Ugh, I hate thinking about it... I turned over in bed, gripping the sheets tightly as I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think about something else. But I could only focus on two things right now - being hungry, and the honey bun. Hunger really was a distracting feeling, wasn't it? When you're hungry, you struggle to focus on anything else... no matter how much you wanna do something else, like read or write or draw, all you can end up focusing on is the need to eat... it's overpowering, really - a depressing reminder of the way I live. It just kinda drags me back to thinking about it, no matter where I am... I... I just can't escape, can I? Mentally, I can't escape this place. Because everywhere I go, I'm still hungry, and when I'm hungry, I think back to this place... to that man... and I know why this is the way it is, I know why I have to live like this. But just recognizing that doesn't do anything to help me feel better - if anything, it just makes it worse... just because I know why it has to be this way, doesn't make me feel any less shit about it. Honestly, objectively speaking - and it sounds really cliche - it... it should've been me, shouldn't it've?

I squeezed my eyes shut even harder and gritted my teeth. Shut up... shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT THE FUCK UP!! I DON'T WANNA FUCKING THINK ABOUT THAT NOW!!

I tossed back over onto my back, gripping the sheets tightly with both hands before trying to calm back down. Remember what they always used to tell you back in kindergarten, what they'd say to do when you felt angry - just take deep breaths, in and out. Count to 10. That sort of thing. We'll see if those things really work, or if preschool teachers are fucking scams...

 _Inhale._ 1.

 _Exhale._ 2.

 _Inhale._ 3.

 _Exhale._ 4.

Haauph... I think... I'm feeling a little better... maybe...

 _Inhale._ 5.

 _Exhale._ 6.

 _Inhale._ 7... e... e-eight...

I threw myself all way around, now lying on my stomach, as I started sobbing into the sheets.

Why... why do I have to do this? It's because I got mad, right? And I didn't have an outlet to take my anger out on... I... I was just fucking like him, wasn't I? I truly was his spawn... my anger is too uncontrollable for me, just like him. I wonder if I'd end up like him, trapped in a shitty job in a shitty house with a shitty, good-for-nothing daughter who I can't even be bothered to feed. As much as I hate him - n-no, that's not right... I can't hate my own papa... as much as I... as much I... _fear_ him, I... I'm just like him, at the end of the day. I inherited everything from him. If I even live to be 18, I'm gonna turn out like a miserable, pathetic, sack of shit who can't do anything for myself. I'll rely on unemployment checks and die of cirrhosis. And it'll be the end - I'll be fucking dead, probably without a child to pass on my cursed bloodline. And it'll be like I never even existed. In 100 years - no, in 20 years - nobody will remember my name. Maybe that's for the better, though. Like I said, my bloodline is fucking cursed, so it'd probably be to everyone's benefit that another Futagawa never lives. Especially mine.

I laid like that for probably a couple hours. I didn't have the energy or will to get up, nor did I have anything to do - nothing but reminisce over why everything in the world fucking sucked, especially me and anyone I was related to.

Maybe today wasn't such a good day after all.

* * *

I poked idly at my desk. It honestly shouldn't come as a surprise to any sane person that I wasn't feeling my best right now - er, okay, it shouldn't make sense to any sane person who knew how shit last night was. Which limited the number of people down to... one. That being me. Of course, that hinged on the assumption that I was sane, which is hardly a guarantee. So it might've been zero. But honestly, who the fuck goes around assuming every random person they see is having the best day of their fucking life? Is anyone that stupidly optimistic?

I scratched at the cracks in the wood with my fingernail. Honestly, optimism is usually pretty misguided, at least that I've seen. Like the other day, when I found ¥1 under the vending machine. Even if just for a second, I was _extraordinarily_ optimistic that I'd found a usable amount of money under the stupid fucking vending machine. And what happened? I got let down, and had a fit because of it. Having that hope, that initial optimism, really fucked me over. It sounds depressing - just like everything does - but honestly, it's probably better to never assume that anything will go the best way it can. That way, if things go bad, you won't be disappointed; and if things go right, it'll feel a lot more exciting.

Heh, I wonder what would happen if you presented this line of reasoning to a philosophy teacher. Honestly, people just love optimism so much, but that's just because "positive" sounds good to everyone. It's not like anyone loves negativity and hates positivity, but assuming that things are great when there's no guarantee they are is just plain dumb. But hey, maybe I'm the dumb one here. Maybe everything in the world is just peachy and wonderful, and I just got the short end of the stick. Wouldn't that be something, haha? Sure would, sure would...

"Futagawa!" A deep, booming voice called out, making me jump in my seat, a shiver going up my spine. F-Fuck, h-h-h-him again...

I looked around frantically for the source of the voice, only to see it come from the same towering man who'd bothered me just a few days ago - and he was approaching me quickly, his walk menacing. He looked like he had the will to fucking beat my skull in... o-oh god, he was going to, wasn't he?! N-No, I-I don't wanna die here! P-Please, god, I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!

Frantically, I tried pushing myself away from the desk, but the hind legs of the chair ended up getting caught on the floor and I fell backwards, toppling me out of my chair as I threw my arms up in front of me in instinctual self-defense. But rather than hop over the desk to try and kill me, the teacher just looked at me with annoyed confusion.

"Futagawa...? What on Earth are you doing, young lady? Sit back up this instant!"

I suddenly became very conscious of my actions and my position - I was laying on the floor, my arms up in a defensive position as though I was about to be attacked by a wild animal... in the middle of class, because I got spooked by the teacher.

And then, I registered the laughter.

It wasn't a boisterous crowd's laughter - it honestly wasn't even that loud. Just a collective group chuckle as every pair of eyes in the class looked at me, the weird girl falling on the floor. But it was the most deafening chuckle I'd ever heard in my life... it reverberated through my soul, shaking me to my very core as the terror and the realization set in: everyone in the class was staring at me. Laughing at me.

I don't even know why it was so awful - logically speaking, it shouldn't matter. I already have zero social standing, so this can't hurt it too much, right? R-Right? Then why was it so fucking intimidating, so simply awful?

"Futagawa!" The teacher again yelled, startling me again as he drew my attention back to him. "In your seat this instant!"

Without a choice, I nodded, shakily standing up, my legs wobbling, as I tried to ignore the deafening laughter reverberating through my skull so I could set my chair back in its place and sit back down. I sat looking up at the teacher, thanking my lucky stars that no tears had welled up in my eyes throughout this whole thing - it was one thing to fall, but... to cry? In class? I'd never be able to live with myself...

"This sort of horseplay is not acceptable in this classroom!" The teacher boomed, forcing me again to return my full attention to him. He didn't look anything like papa, but his demeanor... i-it was too much like him...

"Now," He went on, giving me an angry eye, "All I want is for you to apologize."

I gulped. Had I not atoned enough through my suffering? Did he not see my terror, my humiliation? Did I really need to go through this, too? How much did I have to suffer before he was satisfied? God, he really was like papa...

"Well?" He asked, folding his arms and tapping his foot, giving me a dirty look - no, just saying that didn't give it justice... he looked at me with the eye of someone who was more than fed up with me, the eye of someone who felt just... unbridled rage at me, for the crime of disrupting his class. His eyes contained nothing but contempt, as though he would happily kick me in the stomach if he had the chance... he was so tall and huge, I wouldn't put it past him to be able to kill me...

Shuddering, I opened my quivering lip and tried to squeak an apology out.

"S-S... S-S-S-Sorry..." I muttered.

"Hmn? Come again?" He asked, cupping his hand around his ear and pointing towards me. It's like he was fucking mocking me...

"I-I'm s-s-sorry...!" I said, louder now.

"Sorry for what?" He asked.

I gulped. "S-S-Sorry for... f-falling over..."

"And?"

"D-Dis... D-Disrupting class..."

"Excellent," He said turning away from me. "That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

I gulped, shivering in my place as he walked away, trying everything to ignore the lingering stares of the kids in the class. But it was hard not to focus on it... after some time, though, most of them turned away and focused on the teacher's lesson.

I couldn't, though. I had no idea what he was talking about. I couldn't focus on anything but my own misery right now. Because fundamentally, I was always miserable. And yeah, I knew deep down that I deserved it.

But it still hurt.


	7. Guardian Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I hear the choir sing.

I was more fidgety than normal today. That wasn't a good sign.

Usually, my nervousness would manifest itself as shivering or simple seclusion. But this was... somehow different. I wasn't nervous about the situation at hand, nor was I nervous about being embarrassed, or about whether I would get the desired outcome of a gambit. I was nervous because of myself - more precisely, my own feelings, and the actions said feelings were leading me to.

Well, to be perfectly fair, I wasn't entirely certain whether or not what I was doing could be necessarily considered "actions." It's not as though I was talking to her, or trying to change her life, or even looking into her personal life beyond what I'd be able to find out anyway... I was just... watching.

Still, it was enough to weigh on my conscience. And enough to make me more fidgety than normal.

I watched my fingers silently as they poked at one another, a useless expenditure of energy. I looked around the corner once again. She's not here yet.

Exhaling (but making sure not to sigh, in the interest of keeping quiet), I tried to relax by leaning back against the wall. What exactly was I nervous about right now? I was worried that my actions were going "too far," that the hiding of the money and the watching from afar were off-limits in terms of what was an was not acceptable by society at large. And while I certainly never considered myself a "normal" person by any means, I could at least say that up to this point, my actions had not actively harmed anyone who was not myself. And I was begging the question of whether or not what I was doing was harmful to Natsuki.

Of course, that does raise the point I had just earlier - as to whether what I'm doing can be classified as actions. Sure, generally, one would say watching someone is an action... but really, what harm does it do to her? If she never knows about it, it's fine... right?

Is that a strange way to think? Hehe, almost certainly it is... but I'm a strange person, so it fits. I wonder if Natsuki is as strange as I am...

But to my own credit, my presence had benefited Natsuki; she'd been elated when she ate that honey bun, hadn't she? And that was a result of my own actions? So, even if indirectly, my presence and actions had made her happy, right? It was an arrangement that made her happy, and made me happy, so it was good for everyone. That's a very obvious conclusion.

As solid a conclusion it may be, it did little to truly sway my heart. Despite all the logic I used, my heart remained set in place, disturbing me deep in my soul - something about this simply felt... _wrong_ , in a way I couldn't quite place my finger on. It was this feeling that generated that feeling of nervousness that disturbed me to my core, that made me question my actions despite my finding no logical conclusion that they were bad. I mean, sure, larger society would deem this sort of thing as "creepy" or "immoral." But I was a creepy person, was I not? And who cares what society says? Society says a lot of bad things... why listen to them on anything? E-Er, except serious matters like murder and rape... those are obviously bad. But this? This is harmless, is it not? It benefits all parties involved. So it's okay! It's okay.

It's okay.

...

Is she there yet?

I looked around the corner again, but saw nothing. This was much too repetitive; in a short period of time, this part of lunch had become the most mundane part of my day. It consisted solely of sitting here and waiting for Natsuki to arrive, left alone with nothing but my thoughts. And that was when I was at my most dangerous.

...

Unable to help myself, I looked around the corner - this time, however, I was not met with disappointment, but rather the image of Natsuki approaching the vending machine quite... somberly. Her hand was hung low, and only because I was sitting down could I vaguely make out the expression of her face - dejected, cold, unfeeling. Dead eyes that betrayed a sense of despair and loneliness. Her walk was a slow march onward, no passion - nay, not even a will to continue existing. The conclusion I could draw from all these mannerisms was that she hadn't exactly had the best of days. Perhaps my optimism was too great, but... if a simple treat from the vending machine could make her just the tiniest bit happier, I... I'd be over the moon. Aha, that sounds corny... 

Natsuki continued her "daily ritual," as it were, by getting down on the ground and peering under the vending machine. Her eyes widened, her expression shifting from one of dejection to shock. She quickly snatched up the coins from under the vending machine and jumped up to her feet, eagerly counting them in her hands. I'd left her ¥600 in the form of a ¥500 coin and and ¥100 coin. She did not grin as she had yesterday, but instead looked down at her hands with shock, rubbing her eyes as though what she were viewing were fiction. Indeed I understand the feeling of having such a bad day that not even the greatest of joys can make you smile, so it did not come as a surprise to me that she did not leap with joy instantly. I accepted it as a normal symptom of a bad day, but so too did it trouble me... what had happened today to warrant this disposition? Was she the victim of bullies? Ah, I knew I had no reason to know this... well, that's not _entirely_ true. Her happiness matters to me, so if I presumed she was being troubled by bullies, it would suit me to find out. Hmmn... I know her sixth period class is in room B-13, but I am ignorant beyond that. While it may seem dirty, it seems I have no choice but to follow her and find out what's troubling her.

Huhah. That excuse sounds very good to me... it did not quell the feeling of uncertainty in my soul, but instead drowned it out with the blaring cacophony of... something else. I was feeling more sure of myself now, sure enough that I could ignore the doubts I was feeling and focus on the truth of the matter - that my actions were not truly problematic as I'd worried, but instead truly were just. No, that's not quite it... "just" didn't feel right. To tell the truth, it didn't matter to me whether my actions could be considered "just." But... my justifications made it sounds more "right" to me, more "acceptable." Whether the casual observer would come to the same conclusion I had mattered not to me, as there were no casual observers to comment. Indeed, I was the only person who knew of the present arrangement. And it was feeling increasingly fine to me.

Natsuki, as usual, pushed the coins in the machine. This time, however, she took a bit longer to decide what she wanted... after a bit of deliberation, she put in one number, and then another, collecting both items out of the tray and sitting down with them. From here, it seems she got... a chocolate muffin, and an orange soda. I've never had a sweet tooth, so neither sounded particularly appealing to me, but it must've been like heaven to her as she gobbled up the muffin and downed the soda within minutes. I'd already come to this conclusion before, but may I reiterate that her fervor in eating speaks volumes as to her diet - or rather, lack thereof. What I mean to say is that she seems to be an extraordinarily hungry person, leading me to question the stability of her home life. 

As she finished her lunch, I could see that her dull stare had turned into a sparkly-eyed... grin. The same genuinely-excited grin I saw yesterday. The joy in her eyes was... magical. Ahaha, I'm going to go through every cliche in the book here, aren't I? But to be fair to myself, it was an accurate way of describing how seeing her like that made me feel... I'd done that. If I had not acted, she wouldn't be that happy. She would be as dejected and miserable as she was when she arrived. As a result of _my_ actions, _my_ doing, _my_ decisions, she was now elated. And that felt... good. No matter how flowery I decided to put it, it boiled down to that - it felt good, to know that my actions had brought her from a state of misery to a state of joy. How could anyone take issue with that? I wasn't a stalker, I was taking care of her - like a guardian angel. I made her happy, even if she never knew I existed. It felt right to me... the internal doubt was gone, replaced with the choir of the heavens signing to me, telling me: "Yuri! Yuri! Oh heavenly Yuri! Your actions are just, your motivations pure! You are a bringer of joy, a great protector for an anguished soul! Dearest Natsuki needs you! You must let her depend on you, even if it means you go a thousand years without seeing fruit for your labors!"

And I answered their call! My actions _were_ just, my motivations _were_ pure! I _was_ a guardian angel! And my reward for my labors? Why, this ecstasy, of course! The purity of joy I felt when I saw the look of dearest Natsuki's face jump from depressed to enlightened in an instant! I was a protector, a savior! And I... I...

_I was in love!_

* * *

My chest expanded and contracted with each heavy breath, my breasts bound only by my bra. Blood dripped from my arms, the most recent wounds still freshly opened. My hair was slightly disheveled, with stray strands poking out from here and there. The average person would call the look in my eyes "deranged," but I preferred the term "impassioned" - for, indeed, passion was the strongest emotion I felt at the moment. That and love.

I could hear the choir singing to me, a gentle song to assure me of my own righteousness. This was... thrilling. I'd never felt like this before... my entire life to this point had been naught but reclusion and shyness, but... this? This was ecstasy... was this what love felt like...? Hah, no... I could say with almost absolute certainty that love didn't feel this good to most other people. But to me, this fire burning deep in my soul - _this_ was love. I was in love with Natsuki, a girl I'd never spoken more than a few words to. I didn't even know her last name. But as her guardian angel, it was my duty to love her; for if I did not, then I could not be assured that anyone else would. And what a shame it would be if there were nobody to appreciate her, to... to _worship_ her.

Indeed, this was love. Total devotion like I'd never known before. Realistically, Natsuki would never reciprocate my feelings - nor would she ever even know of them. But the love of a Guardian Angel is divine, and does not require reciprocation. It is a benevolent thing that brought joy to those in its midst. It brought joy to Natsuki, as I provided treats for her during lunch; and it provided joy to me, in the form of the ecstasy I'd identified with thinking about her.

I smiled at myself, and my reflection gave a delirious grin back at me. Well, that's what an uninformed fool would say, for the uninformed do not know the joy of love and utter devotion.

I shut the water off and patted down my arms with some towels, the wounds having stopped bleeding at this point. I'd opened a good many tonight, and each and every one of them was for Natsuki... I thought only of her as I dragged my knife across my skin. What had began as a shameful addiction had now grown into a show of love for the dearest one in my heart. I wonder if it would bring her joy to know that her guardian angel was looking after her, even when we were separated by god knows how far. It's not as though I could ever tell her; even if I wanted to, I don't know how I would. I'm not delusional, I know she doesn't know a single thing about me, my actions, or my motivations. If I tried to explain it to her off the bat, she'd think I was crazy, which would do us no good. It would only make my position harder. Still, if she knew...

Huuph. I knew I had to keep myself hidden, at all costs. If she saw me watching her from afar, her conclusion would not be that I am a guardian angel here to protect her and bring her happiness; she would assume that I am a stalker who wishes to see harm brought upon her. In reality, my goals are much to the contrary - I only wish joy and elation upon her. However, I cannot blame her for not making that initial assumption; for while my actions are just, to the untrained eye they seem deranged. And Natsuki, as blessed and perfect as she is, is unfortunately unknowing of my purity, and would therefore assume that I am deranged.

Did... did I say that already? Wait, what... what did I say just a second ago? Hmn... wait, no... I'd first considered that directly telling her would be bad, and then I considered that her finding out incidentally would be bad. They were similar conclusions, but not exactly the same. Lord... perhaps I should go to bed. Rest will do me well, I believe, for as pure as my heart was, my mind was getting fuzzy.

I undid my bra, opting to sleep only in panties and socks tonight. As I sat in bed, I could only wonder if dearest Natsuki would like the sight of my bare breasts... normally I didn't like to point out their ample proportions, but for Natsuki, I am willing to break even the strongest of barriers...

Auhn... I turned my bedside lamp off and covered myself with a blanket, reaching my hand down to my crotch as I considered all the things Natsuki might like about my body, I about hers...

Perhaps I can sleep naked tonight~ I am in love, after all~


	8. Somebody's Watching Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I uncover a horrifying revelation...

There's this concept of "positive reinforcement" vs "negative reinforcement." Positive reinforcement is where you try to get someone to behave by rewarding good behavior, and negative reinforcement is when you punish bad behavior. And while I may seem like it, I'm not an idiot - er, I probably am... but either way, I can spot when someone is trying to positively or negatively reinforce something on me. Well, no, not usually - in most settings, I probably wouldn't be able to spot it. I'm giving myself too much credit; but that's all beside the point. The point is that I can tell that my teacher, Mr. Loud-and-Tall, is using negative reinforcement on me. And it's working.

Cuz being real, I'd normally _never_ be paying attention during class - normally, I don't pay any attention at all. But I'm actually taking notes right now. Why? Because I don't wanna have to suffer this fucker's wrath again.

Mr. Loud-and-Tall is the sort of teacher who just seems to really hate his students - or honestly, it just seems like he hates me in particular. He goes out of his way to cause me misery and humiliation in the name of "teaching me a lesson" or "trying to get me to pay attention." Bullshit. But either way, I'm paying attention - well, not really. I'm writing down what he wants us to write down, but I'm not really absorbing the information. Hopefully there isn't a test on this any time soon, cuz I'm barely even registering what I'm writing down. But it's good enough for Mr. Loud-and-Tall, so I just gotta play along.

All throughout class, the notion that he just hates me in particular keeps getting drilled into my head... he just keeps looking at me - not staring, but quick glances here and there, just to check if I'm paying attention. Is this a form of psychological torture? Am I reading too deeply into this? I hope I am... honestly, I probably am. Why would anyone, least of all a busy teacher, bother paying attention to little ol' Natsuki, the thin, pink-haired girl with no friends at the back of the class? Yeah... there's logically no reason he would choose _me_ in particular to torment. He's just... a fucking dick. At the end of the day, that's all he is. A fucking dick who has nothing better to do than drill useless lessons into his students' heads.

God, I really fucking hate school. And Mr. Loud-and-Tall. And fucking everything. Shit sucks.

I groaned - internally, though, cuz if I just loudly groaned in the middle of class, Mr. Loud-and-Tall wouldn't have any of it. Why does every train of though come back to "my life is shit?" I mean, yeah, my life is shit, but is there some way I can get away from all that? It's just the fucking worst to only be able to constantly think of how much my life sucks... I don't even know why I'm asking, though, since I already know the answer. I can't escape it because I'm always feeling that torturous feeling that serves as a constant reminder of my condition: hunger. I'm always hungry. And every second I get a hunger pain, every time my stomach rumbles, is another reminder that I haven't had a proper meal in weeks. It's inescapable. I can't even fucking read manga anymore... well, I mean, I can, but I can't focus on it, not with the constant hunger pains striking at night... I can't even have that, my _one_ escape from constant misery and suffering. I can't fucking have anything. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it all...

"Natsuki!"

I looked up, wiping my eyes as soon as I realized they were watering. For a split second I thought that Mr. Loud-and-Tall had called on me again, but my worries were dispelled as I looked up to see that it was just another student. She was dressed in the school uniform (go figure) minus the blazer, and was not insignificantly taller than me... though, being taller than me wasn't exactly an impressive feat. She was wearing a pair of big, round glasses, sat comfortably on her nose. Her skin was darker than mine, and indeed everyone else in the room's, and her hair was white and floofy. I didn't recognize this girl, but I guess that makes sense since I barely talk to anyone in this damned classroom. Speaking of which, it seemed like class was over... people were just kinda loitering around, and Mr. Loud-and-Tall was sitting at his desk reading a book. So I couldn't figure for the life of me why this girl was trying to talk to me...

"Uhmn... that was your name, right?" She asked, looking down at her folded arms as she wracked her brain trying to remember your name. "Sorry, I only heard it once when Mr. Imoto said it..."

Mr. Imoto? Was that Mr. Loud-and-Tall's name?

"U-Uh, y-yeah, that's my name..." I stuttered, not really sure how to interact with this girl... I had no idea who she was, much less what she was like, or why she was trying to fucking talk to me.

"Ah, great!" She smiled brightly, breaking her puzzled frown and beaming with a bright grin. "My name is Aoi Hachisaka!" She suddenly said, introducing herself as she plopped her butt right down into the seat next to me, making me jump back with a shock. Why does everyone insist on startling me with this kinda thing?! And what the hell does this girl want?!

"A-Ah, h-hi, Hachisaka..."

"Aoi, please!" She said, energetically nodding her head once to affirm her request.

"A-Ah, o-okay..." I muttered... I'd just met this girl and she thought we were on first name basis? Or I guess she felt more comfortable with her first name... I mean, I know _I_ did. The last name rule is kinda arbitrary anyway, so I guess it's fine if she wants me to call her that...

"I have a very important question for you! Are you aware that you are being stalked?" She asked me suddenly.

"S-Stalked?!" I almost yelled out in surprise.

She nodded her head twice, accompanying the motion with a "Yes yes!"

"What are you talking about...?" I asked, feeling exasperated already. I could already tell this girl's type... overly energetic, like Sayori, but unlike her, very straight-to-the-point. Someone like her was completely incompatible with me... though I guess I thought that with Sayori, and we're kinda friends now. I guess.

Suddenly (it's beginning to seem like everything this girl does is a very sudden, knee-jerk move) she pulled from her blazer pocket a small pocket journal, flipping it open to a page and showing it to me.

"This chart is an important chart!" She declared. "For 8 consecutive school days out of the past 10, a tall girl with dark hair has appeared in the hallway as you left this class, and appeared to trail distantly behind you! I consider that to be stalker-esque behavior, no?"

I sighed. This girl...

"What seems 'stalker-esque' to me is you following me and this mystery girl around, recording how often she shows up. She probably just has a class in the same direction as mine."

"Haahhh?!" Aoi seemed genuinely taken aback by that, as if she hadn't considered it until this moment. But as soon as she opened her mouth, it seemed like my real point just went over her head... "I am not a stalker! I am as against stalkers as one can get! Rest assured, my heart and actions are utterly unclouded! They are all those of justice!"

"Ugh... that's not the point! The point is that it's probably nothing."

"Is it not worth being careful? Stalker situations can escalate quite dangerously, you know. Do you know how many schoolgirls die to stalkers every year?"

"No. How many?" I asked.

"...I don't know either. But it's probably too many! You can never be too careful!"

"Listen," I sat up, leaning in to try and keep this conversation between us. "There is absolutely nothing desirable about me whatsoever. I mean it. I'm scrawny, I have a bad attitude, I'm bad at talking to people, I can't focus on anything, and I'm always hungry. I'm a massive hassle and honestly a pain to everyone who interacts with me. If anyone's _really_ stalking me - which, let's be honest, isn't happening - they're making a terrible mistake, and they'll realize that soon enough."

I leaned back in my chair, trying to relax a little and let all that marinate with Aoi. Honestly, why did I bother telling her all that? I could've just told her to fuck off or something... though, from what I've seen of her, that probably wouldn't work. Especially given the lengths she went to in some vain attempt to prove that I was being stalked. Which I'm not.

Aoi sighed. "Regardless of all that... the behavior exhibited by that girl is certainly suspicious. It doesn't take an expert to see that, yes yes."

"Suspicious how? Walking down the hall?"

"No. _Trailing_ down the hall. Trailing _you_ down the hall."

"What's the difference between walking and trailing?"

"She kept an equal distance between you and her the entire time, step for step. Every time you took a pause, she took a pause. Any time you sped up, she sped up. Not to mention that she appeared to have eyes on you the entire time, going as far as to peek around corners every time you turned round one. Her behavior is incredibly suspicious, but only to someone who pays attention and looks for it... most people aren't paying attention to what she's doing. But I was, and I noticed it."

The way Aoi talked made her sound like an expert, and it kinda made the whole situation sound kinda scary... b-but I shouldn't just give in to sensationalism like that. That sorta crazy thing just doesn't happen in the real world, y'know? Sure, there's the old manga/anime archetype of the yandere, but I'm sane enough to separate fiction from reality. That's just... not realistic. I know it isn't.

But still... it... it can't hurt to be safe, can it?

"Well, uh..." I muttered. "That _does_ sound kinda suspicious... but I'd like to have absolute proof before I come to any conclusions. That's not so unreasonable, right?"

Aoi seemed unsatisfied, but nodded. "Hmn, yes yes. I've seen it with my own eyes, but if you want more authentication, then so be it. I'll find some sort of evidence that suits your fancy..." She said, standing up. Before she left, however, she looked back down to me to ask me one last thing.

"By the by, uhmn, where do you eat lunch? I think that information would be most advantageous to this whole process.

"A-Ah, I, u-uhmn..." I stuttered. Where do I eat lunch... that... t-that's the sort of information I'd rather not give up...

"Well?" Aoi asked, pressing further, trying to force the answer out of my mouth...

"I-I, u-uhmn... I-I... ah... I-I'd... I'd rather not say..." I finally muttered. It was all I _could_ say... I couldn't well admit that I hide out by the vending machines, rooting under them for money and eating what little I could scrounge. That was just... too personal to be shared with anyone.

Aoi frowned. "Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Y-Yeah... I think it'll be okay without you knowing that..."

She nodded, accepting my answer. "Well, while I think you made the wrong decision, it is one I will respect. Welp, ciao! Seeya tomorrow, with concrete proof this time!" She said, skipping away.

I sighed again. Do I sigh too much? Probably. It's not ideal to be sighing a lot, but when you're dealing with a shitty life and now have a new factor thrown in, you can only react so many ways. Sigh, groan, pout, fold your arms, slam your fists on the table, cry... but when you're in public, an inconspicuous sigh will waste little energy and attract little attention.

As I stood up, I looked at the door, just in time to see Aoi skipping out, opening the little journal and taking out a pen, probably trying to record some more data on my supposed "stalker." Honestly, for as much as her language scared me, I knew it was probably nothing... stalkers weren't nearly as common as sensationalists would make them out to be, and it's not like I was even worth stalking to begin with. Everything I'd told Aoi was true - I was lacking in positive qualities, so there's really no reason a stalker would latch onto me to begin with. Don't they usually go after more popular kids, anyway? Though, being more popular than me isn't much of an accomplishment...

Still, as illogical as it was to assume that all Aoi's observations were correct, part of me still wondered if it really was true... that would really be something, wouldn't it? Haha, haha... who am I kidding... I'm fucking terrified. A stalker... stalkers are crazy! Who knows what they're capable of? What if they're following me home? What if they watch me during lunch, and know all about my vending machine issues? What if they know everything about me and are just waiting for the day they can kidnap me? What if they wanna kill me? What if they get off to blood or knives or some shit? What am I gonna do if they're obsessed with me and wanna wear my skin or some shit?! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!

Calm down, Natsuki... Aoi's here to protect you... she's gonna find who's watching you and make sure they leave you alone...

God, I just wanted to cry. This was miserable... I was depending on a weird girl I'd just met to protect me from a creepy stalker... I just wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't here... my legs just wobbled as I stumbled forward, making for the door so I could try and go out the hallway. But I somehow got the worrying feeling that every step could be my last... that on the other side of the door, the stalker would be there, waiting to pounce and murder me... I didn't want to die... I want to live... what's Aoi gonna do if the stalkers attacks me, huh? She can't do anything, she doesn't look particularly strong or powerful... everything was coming down to this... the last few steps, potentially of my life...

My breath quickened, my heart beat irregularly in my chest. Fuck... this could be it... I was about to reach the door and go out into the hall... fuck fuck, I'm gonna fucking die... I'm gonna die... I'm gonna die... I squeezed my eyes shut, and...

And out I go.

I stepped out into the hall at last, holding my breath as I did so. I opened my eyes slowly, looking around to see a normal-looking mass of students making their way down the hall. This was... normal. Nothing looked out-of-the-ordinary.

I looked around, and everything looked normal... this was... a normal hallway... with normal kids...

Finally letting my breath go, I looked around just once more and stepped out into the hall, going down my normal route. Was... was everything fine? Was I not being following? Was I just making things up in my head?

...I don't know. I don't wanna think about it. For the first time in my life, I just wanna go to class, and nothing more.


	9. A Peculiar Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I encounter an obstacle.

Life used to be dreary. I used to simply wallow in my own misery and wish that things were better for me, I would simply sit alone and read and indulge in the escapism, engulfing myself in thoughts of the worlds I read about. But long gone are those days, for now I can confidently say that my life has a purpose - a real, genuine purpose. I have a reason to live, a person to live for. Natsuki Futagawa...

I found her surname through a middle school yearbook. Apparently we've gone to the same school for years now - no surprise, being that we seem to have grown up in the same town both our whole lives. Even back then, when she was so young, she was still so cute... but no doubt she has grown more beautiful with age. Truly she is deserving of someone like me to protect her, to bring her happiness in a dark life.

She was all I could think about. And I was okay with that. It was a loving, reciprocal relationship, even if she didn't know about it. I provided her with happiness, and she I. There was nothing wrong with that, was there? After all, we both got a positive outcome... it was healthy!

I sighed and smiled to myself. She'd just left, after excitedly scarfing down a muffin, bought with the funds I provided to her. Even though she'd been gone a few minutes, my heart was still thumping. I'd tried to calm myself down, but at this point I was just squeezing my breast and thinking about her... ahn... I can't here, I have to wait until I get home...

Still... I looked down to my bag, the handle of the knife sticking out of it. I grinned. Ahaha~ Maybe just a few wounds opened and I could call it a day~

For a moment, I reached my hand out to the bag, my outstretched arm going for the knife's handle... but I stopped myself, removing my other hand from my breast and slapping my arm away. I didn't have time... Natsuki had just left, so I wouldn't have enough time to... _feed my desires_ and clean up before lunch ended. And I don't want to miss out on Natsuki getting to class, would I? It's one of the best times of day to observe her - she always feels happy and positive after lunch, thanks to my provided funds. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I missed it...

Sighing, disappointed that I couldn't cut right now, I stood up and accepted that I could simply wait until I got home. Perhaps if I were feeling particularly audacious, I could sneak into the bathroom during club time... but of course, that meant less time to guard Natsuki. So, as I initially figured, the conclusion was that I had to wait until I got home... which, as disappointing as it was, was acceptable. It was the only negative outcome of my relationship with Natsuki - for every moment that I watched her, was a moment not spent cutting. Not that I was just constantly cutting - that would be ludicrous, and suicidal. I know the limits of the human body, and I do not push myself towards death. Sure, sometimes I... _indulge_ , shall we say, and go a bit overboard, but that was a minority of the time. That only happened when I was in a particularly depressed mood, which at present, I was not.

Looking around the corner just once more, I closed up my bag and slung it around my shoulder, heading towards the door. Before I left, however, I left ¥800 under the vending machine, for Natsuki to enjoy tomorrow. I know I initially intended to leave just ¥700, so as not to appear suspicious, but... I couldn't bring myself to leave less money than last time. I just wanted to see Natsuki happy. Anyway, now that I'd left the money, I could go back inside... the problem with post-vending machine lunch, is that Natsuki never spends the period in the same place twice. She always finds somewhere new to loiter around, making it difficult for me to guard her from afar - and even when I _did_ find her, I hardly had any time to keep watch before the period ended anyway! It was certainly frustrating, but not unworkable... I just had to look around places she _might_ be. It was tedious, but it was also my only option.

I looked around as soon as I got back inside, but no sooner did I do so than did a loud girl's voice boom from below me.

"Heyo! You're Yuri Seomun, correct?"

"Gah!!" I jumped back, startled by the sudden appearance of the girl. I withdrew my limbs to a defensive position, before trying to relax myself and look over the girl.

"Oh, my bad! Hehe, sorry!" She said, smiling nervously at me. The girl was shorter than me - no surprise there - but taller than Natsuki - again, no surprise there. Natsuki was particularly short, and I particularly tall. This girl being between us in terms of height was no surprise. But what stood out more was her darker skin tone, more consistent with someone of Thai or Vietnamese ancestry than Yamato. I, myself, was Korean, so obviously it didn't bother me what her national origin was. Other than that, she had white, poofy hair, and pair of large, round glasses sitting on her nose. The lenses didn't seem particularly thick, but the radius of each was enormous...

"So," She went on, not waiting for me to respond, "You _are_ Yuri Seomun, correct?"

I nodded. "Y-Yes... that is me..." I muttered, wondering what this girl wanted... what was she, a recruiter for a club or college ? Er, likely not the latter... she was wearing our uniform and seemed to be Natsuki's age, so I doubted she went to a college... still, I'd hope she could be quick with this. I'd rather get out of this situation and go find where Natsuki is...

"Excellent!" She said, pulling out a small notebook and marking something off. What on Earth could that be for?

"U-Uhmn..." I began, muttering quietly. "I-If you don't mind, I-I have somewhere to be..."

"Now," She went on, ignoring me entirely, "Do you know a girl named Natsuki Futagawa?"

My heart nearly leapt out of my chest as she said her name - what on Earth did this girl want with Natsuki?!

"A-Ah..." I tried to say something, but wasn't entirely sure how I could respond... how could I sound like I didn't know as much about her as I did...? It's not like I was a terribly great liar, anyway...

"Well?" She asked, pressing me further...

"A-Ah, w-well... uhmn... y-yes, I-I do... w-we're in the l-literature club together..." I said, telling the truth - indeed, we were both in the literature club.

"Mhm, I see I see..." The girl said, marking something else down in that little notebook of hers. What was she writing?

"W-Wha-" I began, before she cut me off.

"How long have you known Natsuki?"

"Uhmn... s-since she joined the literature club..." I said, again telling the truth. Unfortunately, I never knew who she was before she joined the club... but since she has, she's changed my life... I could feel my cheeks getting read and my heart thump as I thought of her and the impact she's had on me without even lifting a finger... but... I must stay focused... I-I can't appear suspicious...

"Mhmn, yes yes..." She muttered, again marking something off. "So, how often do you think about her?"

H-How often do I think about her?! Oh god... all the time... every waking second is spent obsessing over her... but I can't just say that out loud...

"A-Aaah..." I gulped... this was a bad situation... I was a terrible liar... I could feel my face turning red with every second I kept thinking about Natsuki, and I could tell this girl was taking note of it as she scribbled something down...

"Well?" She asked, looking at my inquisitvely.

"A-Ah... u-uh... I-I... I never got your name..." I mentioned, trying to divert the conversation away from this line of questioning.

"Oh, yes yes! How rude of me!" The girl said, a look of realization dawning upon her face - that is, the realization that she hadn't introduced herself to me yet. She closed her notebook shut, leaving a bookmark where she'd left off, and bowed in front of me twice, very quickly.

"My name is Aoi Hachisaka! But you can call me Aoi! Yes yes!" She said, standing straight back up and opening her notebook again. "Now, please answer the question!"

"W-Well... aaah..." I gulped. She hadn't fallen for the bait... "I-I... uhmmn... n-n-n-not... very... often..." I sputtered out, pathetically trying to mask my affection.

"I see, yes yes..." The girl - Aoi, her name was - said, again writing something down in her little notebook. How long had we been here? It'd been minutes at most, but it felt like hours...

"What would say your opinion of Natsuki is?" She asked, looking at me again. W-Why does she have to keep staring at me like that...?! I-It's putting me on edge...

"S-She... she..." I tried to spit something out...

"She...?" Aoi asked.

SHE IS MY EVERYTHING. SHE IS MY REASON TO LIVE. SHE IS THE LIGHT IN THE DARK. SHE IS THE SOLE REASON I EXIST. EVERY MOMENT I AM CONSCIOUS IS SPENT THINKING ABOUT HER. EVERY TIME I WAKE UP, EVERY TIME I GO TO SCHOOL, EVERY TIME I CUT, EVERY TIME I MASTURBATE, ALL OF IT IS FOR HER. I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HER, I WANT TO BECOME BLOOD SISTERS WITH HER AND KEEP HER AS MY LOVER FOR ALL ETERNITY. I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING. I LOVE HER MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF. I WANT TO MIX BLOOD WITH HER AND TRULY BECOME ONE. I WANT HER. I WANT HER. I LOVE HER.

...but I can't just say that, can I? Not to Natsuki, not to Aoi, not to anyone...

"S-She... uhmn... I-I don't know much about her... b-but... uhmn... s-she seems n-nice..."

I couldn't keep my cheeks from going red. That wasn't even the beginning of what I thought about Natsuki... she truly was my universe, my everything... the embodiment of my reason to exist... but... that was private. Even so, my cheeks deepened in color as I failed to control the thoughts... the lascivious desires, the fantasies which consumed me at night and sometimes during the day when I was alone... fuck... I was struggling to control myself...

"Understood..." Aoi said, marking something down - as usual, by this point. "Now, list at least one negative quality you perceive Natsuki to have."

Negative quality...? There were none. Earlier I'd lamented over how my time spent watching Natsuki detracted from time I could otherwise spend feeding my insidious desires, but that was hardly Natsuki's fault - it was simply a product of the situation, which Natsuki could not be blamed for. Natsuki is, simply put, perfect in every conceivable way. There is nobody in this world who that can be said of, but her.

That being the way it is, it was... difficult, to say the least, for me to come up with an answer to this question. I couldn't even think of something others would find as a fault... she was simply too perfect to be described as having any such "faults."

"I-I, uhmn... I-I c-can't say I-I've known her l-l-long enough to p-point anything out s-specifically..."

"Fair point, yes yes..." Aoi said, of course marking something down on her little notebook, as she did after every question. "Now, just one last question: are you stalking her?"

My face flashed an even deeper shade of red for just a second - my eyes widened, and my lip quivered. But... I calmed myself down fairly quickly. This was a question I could answer honestly...

"No," I said, flatly and confidently.

"Alrighty!" Aoi said, smiling as she closed her notebook. "Sorry to bother you, you have a lovely day!" She said, giving me a peace sign before skipping off down the hall.

Sighing with confidence, I turned around and smirked to myself as I went down the hall. Stalking...? No. That was a dirty word, that implied I was being harmful or something. But I was doing no harm - I was providing happiness to dearest Natsuki, and protecting her from harm. I was not a stalker, I was a guardian angel. This was a conclusion which I'd already come to long ago... so it was not a question which I had a hard time answering. Indeed, it was a very easy question for me to answer completely honestly. I am not a stalker. I am a guardian angel.

As the bell rang, I heeded its call and turned in the direction of my next class. But still I smirked to myself... let it be known that my intentions are pure, and my love for Natsuki is genuine. For if my love is not pure, then nothing in this world is.


	10. Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Aoi shares her data with me.

Sigh.

That's all I do. Sigh sigh sigh. But it's all I can do, because this is the kind of setting that doesn't allow for divergence from the set standard of how you're "supposed" to behave. I can't cry, I can't get angry, I can't even whimper. I can't do anything but sit here and take these stupid fucking notes that I won't even remember 10 minutes from now.

God, school really is the fucking worst, isn't it?

Yeah... I haven't exactly had the best 24 hours. It's not like I normally have a great time either way, but this past day has been especially bad... I just... ugh, I'm shivering, I need to calm down... o-okay... so... I-I've just been constantly paranoid... it's like being on the verge of a panic attack for a full day, and it's really taken a toll on me. I'm constantly on edge... normally I'm pretty easily startled, but I feel like the next loud noise will literally make my heart leap out of my chest and explode.

...which is part of the reason I'm writing these notes to begin with. If I don't follow Mr. Loud-and-Tall's rules, he'll fucking murder me... if he so much as says my name I swear I'll have a mental breakdown from how stressed I am. This constant despair, hopelessness, and desperation... part of me wants to blame Aoi for exposing me to the fact that I have a stalker - er, _might_ have a stalker - but deep down I know it's not her fault... she mentioned something about having a particular hatred for stalkers, and while that is kinda weird, it's understandable, and totally logical that she would want to tell me if she believed someone was watching me. Besides, I didn't have the energy to be mad at her anyway... I was filled with constant misery and despair, I couldn't muster the power to feel anger.

"So," Mr. Loud-and-Tall said thunderously, tapping his marker on his desk. Of course, this made me jump in my seat, but I tried to calm myself down as I found he wasn't talking to me specifically. He went on, "As we can see, the surprise attack at Port Arthur was a major battle that helped decide the fate of the Russo-Japanese war. While it did not necessarily end in a Japanese naval victory, it did substantially damage the Russian Pacific Feet and hindered their ability to continue fighting on the Pacific coast. The Meiji Emperor said of the Russians..."

I zoned out. This wasn't notes, this was just him going into a spiel about the Russian war... not that I cared about anything he had to say... well, unless I was forced to care about it, in the form of notes. But any time I didn't absolutely _have_ to listen to him drone on, I'd rather just do my own thing...

Unfortunately, "my own thing" has just been panicking for the past day. I... I feel so... unstable. I've never felt like this before... I know fear, I know misery, I know sadness, but... every waking moment feels like a struggle to keep myself together. It's like I'm constantly running a treadmill, and if I stop running, someone's gonna come up from behind me and cut open my skin. That's a weirdly specific analogy, and kinda gross, but I think it helps convey how I feel...

I took a deep breath, and shuddered as I exhaled. Keep it together, Natsuki... m-maybe Aoi will have some good news when class is over... m-maybe... maybe it was all just a big mistake, and she's realized that now. I-I mean, y-yeah, it would suck if I had a 24 hour-long panic attack over fuck all, but at least I wouldn't be in danger... at least, not more danger than I was on a regular basis. Either way, I just hope Aoi has something I'd like to hear... though at this point, hearing _anything_ would be better than the constant uncertainty and paranoia I've been going through...

"...and with that, General Tamemoto was able to successful repel the Russians at the Battle of Yalu River. Of course, such a victory came as an astonishment to the Western powers, who never expected an Asian power to beat the mighty Russian Empire. Though, that is a story for tomorrow. You may now pack up."

Sighing in relief, I barely had time to close my notebook before my head came crashing down on the desk, my whole body shuddering as I tried to relax and get over some of the underlying anxiety... to no avail, of course. Oh, wait, I forgot about Aoi for a sec...

"Natsuki!" Aoi chimed, sliding into the chair next to me. Speak of the devil, I guess... I'm just glad I remembered her in time, or she would've really startled me there.

"Hey..." I murmured groggily, as if having just woken up. I lifted my head and looked at her, feeling like I had bags under my eyes... to be honest, I probably did. My demeanor didn't seem to bother Aoi, who just looked at me with a blissful smile as she dug through her bag, pulling from it some kinda small notebook with a detailed design of a ram on the front.

"So!" Aoi said as she opened the notebook, a little too cheerfully for my liking, "I've gathered some considerable data that you might want to have a look at, yes yes!"

"Data...?" I asked, unsure what exactly she meant.

"Data, yes yes!" She affirmed, nodding her head with each "yes."

"Data on what?"

"Data on the people I considered most likely to be your stalker - based purely on appearance, of course. It's easy to dismiss someone as not being the 'sort of person who would be a stalker,' but you never know what people are hiding, yes yes!" She said, arguing against a point I hadn't raised. Does she go through this a lot? How many people does she approach on the assumption they're being stalked?

"Huh...? Did you go to every girl in the school for this?"

Aoi scoffed. "Of course not! I only approached tall girls with dark hair. Some refused to answer my questioning."

"I can't _possibly_ imagine why..." I said sarcastically. While her criteria of "tall with dark hair" did narrow down the population of girls by an amount, it still left a good number of people to approach. I wonder how many girls fit that description... "tall with dark hair..." did she really approach _every_ girl she felt matched that description? How many people is that?!

"Hmnph!" Aoi huffed, suddenly reminding me of the jab I'd made. Did I forget that in the one second since I said it? God, what the fuck is wrong with me?

"Well," She went on, "I've compiled a list of them, yes yes, arranged from most to least likely. I asked them each a series of questions, and gave them a score from 1-10 for each answer, 1 being the least suspicious and 10 being the most suspicious. I compiled each of their scored and arranged them from most likely to least likely.

I groaned. "Did you really have to make it so complex?"

"Oh, I'd hardly call this complex!" Aoi insisted. "It's simply the most logical way of approaching the situation, yes yes!"

I sighed. "Listen, this whole stalker situation has really taken its toll on me... can you please just get on with it?"

Aoi looked at me, for the first time with a look of genuine concern and sympathy... you never really want someone to look concerned when they look at you, but I guess it's better than pity.

"Well, I suppose there's no harm in cutting straight to the chase... this is the girl I believe has the highest likelihood of being your stalker," Aoi said, opening up the notebook to a bookmarked page and displaying it front of me. I looked down, and at first the name on the page didn't seem familiar to me... but then it clicked. I hadn't known her surname before, but she was the only person I knew with that personal name...

_Yuri Seomun_

Aoi let me look over the page a bit, giving me some time to read through it. Before I could, however, she interjected.

"Ah, may I add - look on the first page of the book for copies of each question, so that you can cross-reference them with my observations of her answers!"

I nodded, flipping to the front page to see, indeed, that each question was there. It read as follows:

* * *

_Question 1: Do you know a girl named Natsuki Futagawa? (if no, press further. If genuinely no, abort.)_

_Question 2: How long have you known Natsuki?_

_Question 3: How often do you think of Natsuki?_

_Question 4: What is your opinion of Natsuki?_

_Question 5: What is one negative quality of Natsuki?_

_Question 6: Are you stalking Natsuki?_

* * *

I groaned. "Are some of these really necessary?" I asked.

"Hmn?" Aoi perked up. "Where do your concerns lie?"

I pointed to the questions as I read them. " _What is one negative quality_? Isn't that kinda excessive? Is this book just full of people saying what they hate about me?"

Aoi shook her head. "But it _is_ an important question, yes yes! It would be hard for a stalker to answer it honestly, since they generally view their target in the best light they can! Plus, I can usually tell when someone's lying, yes yes!"

"Okay, okay, see the rationale... but really? _Are you stalking me_? No way you'd ever get an honest answer out of that!"

"True, true, but at the same time, the stalker would probably have a unique reaction to that question, and be really bad at hiding it!"

"That's a lot of assumptions to make, isn't it?" I posited.

"Perhaps! But just read it, alright? I want you to come to your own conclusion."

I sighed. "Okay, fine, fine..." I said, keeping one thumb on the first page so I could look back at the questions if need be...

* * *

_Yuri Seomun_

_Age: 16 (born February 18)_

_Height: 180 cm / 5'11"_

_Hair: Dark purple_

_Eyes: Dark purple_

_Other notable physical qualities: HUGE boobs!!_

_\------_

_Q1: She took a second to answer the question, and as soon as I said Natsuki's name, her face flushed red. She stuttered while trying to answer, but that seems more characteristic of her as a person rather than her disposition to Natsuki in particular. Perhaps she was just surprised to hear the name of someone she knew? Still, the blush seems suspicious. She knows Natsuki from the literature club. 4/10_

_Q2: Nothing particularly suspicious here. She said she only met Natsuki when she joined the literature club, which is a reasonable story. I give this a 2 rather than a 1 because again, her cheeks flushed red as I mentioned Natsuki's name, and redder as she went on about her, though to be fair she did only talk about her briefly. 2/10_

_Q3: This was suspicious. She took a good while to respond to this one, and I could hear her stuttering as she failed to respond. Her cheeks got even redder as she struggled, and this seemed much less like the standard behavior of a shy girl than her previous demeanor. Not only that, but she attempted to divert the conversation by asking my name. When she finally gave her answer, it was a very simple one - "not very often" - but it was a very drawn-out answer that she had trouble getting through. 8/10_

_Q4: More cause for suspicion. She stuttered during this question again, and took considerable time to respond. Her face remained flushed, and she tired to hide her eyes from view. I could see her trembling, and she appeared to (unconsciously) lick her lips. I'm not sure if this held any significance, but she seemed to grow more and more flustered the more she tried to answer the question. Certainly a lot to write about here! Suspicious. 8/10_

_Q5: She claimed to have not known Natsuki for long enough to come up with a negative quality, but from my talk with Monika I concluded that Natsuki joined the club roughly two weeks ago. In two weeks of knowing her she doesn't know a single negative quality Natsuki might have? Suspicious. But not the most suspicious. 6/10_

_Q6: Chilling answer. Just one word: "No," spoken very deeply and clearly in a confident tone I wasn't used to hearing from her. I could see her eyes and she seemed... completely different, from before. Her face was still flushed but her eyes betrayed that she was delusional. I can't quite describe what it was... it felt like she truly believed she wasn't a stalker, but those eyes... they are the eyes of someone who is self-deluded enough to believe that they are innocent of a crime which they are committing. Truly, truly chilling. 10/10_

_Concluding thoughts: Yuri is easily the most likely candidate for stalker thus far. She's a bad liar, but is clearly delusional to some extent, as well as perfectly matching the physical appearance of the stalker._

_Final score: 38/50 (highest score yet!!)_

* * *

As I finished looking over Aoi's notes, I looked up at her. I was... trembling, wasn't I? I could feel my body physically shaking... her description of Yuri's answer to question 6 left me feeling... t-the same way I had earlier... _terrified_...

"N-Natsuki! Are you okay?!" Aoi asked, leaning in towards me and resting and hand on my knee. Instinctively I jerked back, withdrawing myself from her, but knowing she meant well, I returned to my normal sitting position and tried to look at her through the tears welling in my eyes. She looked... genuinely concerned again, like she was looking after a friend who'd been through some sort of emotional trauma...

"I-I... e-ermn, a-agh..." I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, trying to clear my throat and speak rationally. "A-Aoi, I-I... I'm... s-scared..."

Aoi nodded, leaning in and giving me a hug, embracing me in what felt like the first hug I'd ever had... f-fuck... I didn't wanna cry... not in front of everyone...

But just like that, Aoi spoke to me - softly, comfortably, telling me what I wanted to hear but making it sound like it was the truth of what was going to happen:

"Don't worry, Natsuki. We'll make her stop."

I slowly nodded, burying my head in her shoulder and returning her hug. T-This embrace... ah... s-she really meant it... w-we... we were gonna make her stop... no matter what...

For the first time probably ever, I felt... safe...


	11. Fall of Lucifer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein an angel loses her wings.

I don't speak to Monika often, nor do I have any particular reason to; indeed, she and I attend the literature club together. But we have very little in common in terms of personality. She is outspoken and popular, easily one of the most well-known names in the school, being involved in scores of clubs across her school career, as well as numerous sports teams. I, on the other hand, am little-known beyond those few who choose to pick on me every so often... many would consider mine to be an unfortunate situation, but I beg to differ; I would contend that my situation is perfect for me, someone who does not handle talking to others very well. Why would someone as reclusive as I desire more human interaction than was absolutely necessary? I suppose the feeling of loneliness does exist, but I can't say it is a phenomenon which affects me too deeply... I am comfortable being alone, as I always have been. It bothers me very little, if at all. Perhaps I do occasionally wish I had a significant other, but... that is a spot which has been filled with the affection I feel for my dearest Natsuki~

...aha, I could on for a good while about her. But I digress. Monika is the focus of my attention at the moment, because she has made herself as much; that is, she has called me to the her desk, and insisted that Sayori "sit this one out." Dearest Natsuki has yet to arrive, so I suppose I can talk to Monika until she makes her appearance... not that I'll enjoy this by any stretch, of course.

"So," Monika began, looking at me coyly as she traced a circle on the desk with her finger. "How are you and Natsuki~?"

"E-Eh...?!" I emoted, my face becoming flushed as I nearly jumped out of my seat in shock. W-What is she implying...?! W-What does she mean?!

"Oh, come now~ Don't bother trying to hide your _romantic affair_ now~"

"A-Ahhh..." I tried to calm myself down by breathing, but... g-god... this was too much...

"Hmn? Is that an admission?" She grinned.

"N-Not... a-agh... n-not at all... N-N-Natsuki and I are not together..."

"Oh? Is that so?" She asked, still giving me that coy, smug smile...

I nodded, wordlessly blushing.

"Well, you could've fooled me~ I mean, I see the way you look at her longingly, and the glances she throws at you every now and then..."

"S-She glances at me?!" I asked, interjecting myself energetically. I-I... s-she glances at me?! I-I'd never noticed... t-then... does this mean... a-aah... s-she... she knows...?! A-And she feels the same way?!

A-Aha, ahahaha!! That must be it! The reason that girl questioned me yesterday! Natsuki put her up to it so she could figure out if I had a crush on her! Ahahahaha!!! This is it! My destiny! She loves me as much as I love her!! T-Then... as soon as she comes in, I must speak with her... aah... ahahaha... ahahahaha!!

Monika nodded calmly, and I didn't notice until now that I was drooling at the thoughts I was having. I pulled a handkerchief from my blazer's pocket and wiped my mouth with it.

"M-My apologies for my manners... o-or rather, lack thereof..." I said, sheepishly.

Monika giggled quietly. "No worries, none at all... well, it seems if you _aren't_ in a relationship, you're both quite interested in one another, hmmn? After such a short amount of time, no less..."

Nghhh... pardon my French, but... fuck... agh... I'm going insane, I'm losing my mind... all I can do is fantasize about touching Natsuki, about feeling her, about kissing her, about fucking her... o-oh my god... nnghhhhh... fuck...

"Are you alright, Yuri?" Monika asked, snapping me back into reality.

"M-Me? A-Ah, yes, I'm fine, more than fine!" I insisted, nodding to affirm my point.

Monika giggled. "Well, you two are very different, but if I may be so bold... I think you'd make quite the cute couple~" She teased.

Oh god. That was it. I couldn't fucking resist any longer. The second Natsuki waltzed into this room, I was going to make my advance... everything points towards her returning my feelings, it's the only conclusion that makes sense. Monika is right... we _are_ going to be a cute couple... aha... ahahahaha!

"A-Aha... t-thank you..." I giggled, trying to maintain my composure in front of Monika. Indeed she seemed aware of my feelings, but certainly not the extent of them... she could never have guessed just how deep my devotion is, but nor is it any of her business. It is only my business... well, soon it shall too be Natsuki's, as soon as I confess my love for her - or rather, as soon as we have our mutual confession.

My heart is pounding faster than it's ever pounded before, my face redder than I'd ever thought was possible. I'm sure my condition was well and obvious to Monika by this point, but I could hardly focus on that with my mind racing with so many thoughts, each of them centered around my dearest Natsuki... aahnh... w... w-when will she be here...?! S-She... _She can't get here soon enough!!_

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. Or rather, speak of the Lord and she shall appear - dearest Natsuki has entered the room, and immediately her eyes are drawn to me, and mine her - we must be on the same wavelength, that must be it! We're thinking the same thing, we have the same desires! Ahahaha! I can't believe it's been in front of me this entire time and I never noticed it! Ahaha! Ahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

I shot to my feet, not paying Monika any mind as I approached Natsuki with a steady speed, making her at first jump in shock, but steady herself, digging her heels into the floor to prevent herself from moving any further back.

"Natsuki," I said as soon as she made eye contact with me - she seemed nervous, her brow slightly reflective due to sweat, but that was okay. I was nervous, too... "May I please speak to you in private? In the hall, perhaps?" I asked, trying to maintain as prim and proper an appearance as I could given the emotions swelling in my system.

"U-Uhmn..." She muttered. "S-Sure... I was actually just about to ask you the same thing..."

How perfect... she had the same thing in mind, then. And just as I was trying to maintain appearances in the face of overwhelming emotion, so too was she. This was it... the final culmination of all my efforts. The moment that the guardian angel meets the object of her affection. The day the union of the beloved begins...

Following her lead, I walked outside into the hall, trailing close behind her, making certain to close the door tightly behind us. She walked a few steps ahead of me before she turned around, looking me in the eye with an uncomfortable look on her face. I understand her nervousness... it's hard to be right in front of your crush... I, after all, was panting heavily, and my was face flushed... so it's natural for her to feel nervous about this.

I was about to make the first move, but as I opened my mouth, she quickly spoke to cut me off.

"Yuri!" She blurted, darting her eyes around. "A-Are you... stalking me?"

I grinned. I suppose for her, I can say whatever she likes...

"Yes, in a matter of speaking," I said, flatly. She looked at me with dread and confusion on her face, but said nothing... I took her silence as an invitation to go on, and so I did.

"I'm sure most 'decent' people would refer to my actions as 'stalking.' But the concept of 'decency' has no real basis... it is decided upon by families, by families' families, by families' families' families, dating back to thousands of years ago. Such rules do not bound me, nor should they bound you... my actions are not immoral, but just. They are motivated only by love and passion, a love and a passion for you. I... ahn... every waking moment is spent thinking of you. You have become my everything... and I know you feel the same. And in a way, I am your source of happiness too, no? After all... you've come to enjoy lunch, haven't you?"

Natsuki's eyes widened with horror, and she clamped her hands over her mouth as tears welled in her eyes. "Y-You mean... y-y... y-you..."

I nodded. "Indeed. It has been I that has been leaving so much money under the vending machines. I have done it just for you, to make you happy, and so that I may observe your happiness from afar. Hehe... I always worried you would hate that about me... it might seem to the average person as thought it were a gross invasion of privacy, but-"

"IT IS!" Natsuki screamed. "IT FUCKING IS YOU BITCH!"

I looked at her, my soliloquy interrupted by the screams of my sobbing love. She was crying loudly, clutching at her school uniform as she doubled over, her legs wobbling as she struggled to stand up.

"N... N-Natsuki dearest, what's wro-"

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU F-FUCKING DISGUSTING PSYCHOPATH!" She screamed again, sounding like she was straining her voice. Unexpectedly, she withdrew from her bag... a knife...? She drew a knife? And... pointed it at me?! W-What was she doing?!

...oh. I see.

"So," I said, smiling now. "You know my secret too~"

"W-What?!" She asked between sobs, looking up at me with terror and hatred in her eyes. Terror and hatred... such are just forms of love.

"Don't play dumb, dearest~ I know your secret, and you mine~ I see what you're doing with that knife~"

"S-SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" She shouted. But that did not deter me - no, instead, it drew me closer. I approached her slowly.

"As private a moment as this is, dearest, I believe the knife can wait... please, let us embrace..."

"F-FUCK YOU!! G-GET AWAY FROM ME!!" She said, stepping backwards to try and edge away from me. To what lengths would she be willing to go?

"NATSUKIIIIII!!" A voice suddenly squealed from behind me - a strangely familiar one.

"Aoi!" Natsuki cried out, looking at the voice's origins. I hardly had time to look behind me before something bashed against my head, knocking me to the floor.

"A-Augh!!" I cried, scraping my hand as I tried to break my fall. "W-What the fuck?!"

The source of the voice then plopped itself on my stomach, knocking the wind out of me as the girl sat atop me to hold me in place... it was... Aoi! That girl who questioned me yesterday!

"What the fuck are you doing you stupid bitch?!" I cried out, trying to wriggle out from under her. "Get off of me you stupid fucking cunt! You're ruining my shining moment! You have no fucking idea how long I've waited for this!"

"Natsuki, run!" She cried out, and Natsuki did as much. Fucking christ, what was she thinking?! Running away like that will advance our relationship nowhere!

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!!" I screamed, punching the girl's legs as she tried to hold me down

"Never! Nobody hurts Natsuki like that, yes yes!" Aoi asserted, pinning my arms down to the floor by holding them in place.

"FUCK YOU!!" I shouted, fighting and resisting, listening to Natsuki's every footstep grow quieter as she escaped further and further down the hall... she must've turned a corner or two in the time I was wasting here!

I thrashed my legs around, trying to kick Aoi's back to force her off of me, while at the same time I tried to wrestle my arms free. Despite my height, I had never been a particularly physically strong person, so Aoi was able to hold me in place, at the same time digging her nails into the skin of my arm.

"UNHAND ME!!"

"Never!!"

But as soon as it seemed hopeless, O divine providence struck! Aoi's glasses fell off, hitting me in the face in the process, but giving me the perfect opportunity to distract her! It may have been a dirty trick for a refined and elegant woman such as myself, but in the face of danger, I have no choice... I spat in her face - more specifically, her eye - forcing her to bring her hands to her face in a kneejerk reaction, giving me just the time I needed to punch her in the stomach and throw her off of me.

As soon as Aoi was dealt with, I shot to my feet, running down the hall, following where I thought Natsuki's footsteps lead...

"Naaaatsuki!! Where have you gone to, dearest~?" I called out as I ran, hoping to draw her to me, or at the very least incite a reaction so that I could judge her location more accurately. "I promise to buy you more snacks from the vending machine~!"

"FUCK YOU!!" She screamed, giving me a better indication of where she was. Grinning, I ran to where I thought I'd heard her... but as I reached my destination, I found the dead end of a hallway. But this was not just any dead end... there were two bathrooms here - one for girls, one for boys. I smiled... she couldn't hide forever...

Gingerly, I waltzed inside the girls' restroom. Every stall door was open... save for one, tightly locked. No girl's shoes were visible from where I was, so she must be curled up on the toilet, trying to hide herself from me... why is she going to such lengths to escape our future together...?

I approached the stall door, pressing my ear to it to hear the sound of a girl quietly sobbing. It's her.

"Natsuki," I said, resting my hand on the door. "Please open up."

"N... N-No... g-go away... please..." She whimpered from the other side.

"Natsuki... please..."

"N-No! G-Go the fuck away!" She demanded.

I sighed. "Natsuki... just... just unlock the door. I want to see you."

"I don't want to see you! Not now or ever! I hate you, I fucking hate you!"

I gritted my teeth. "I'll ask one more time... open... the door..."

"No!!"

I lost my temper, slamming my fist against the door and shouting.

"DAMN IT, NATSUKI!! WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SUCH LENGTHS TO AVOID ME?!" I shouted.

The sobbing stopped. I heard her sniffle, and the clack of her feet on the ground as she stood up from the toilet and walked to the door. I smiled... was she finally giving in?

"Do you... really want to know why?" She asked.

Smiling warmly, I nodded. "Yes, dearest, I'd like to know why you've continued such a silly charade."

"Don't call me dearest. Don't _ever_ fucking call me dearest. I hate you."

I chuckled. "Come now... why are you so insistent on maintaining such a silly charade?"

"Why are you?" She asked.

My chuckle became a nervous one. "Uhmn... I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Why are you so deluded into believing that I feel anything for you but hatred and contempt?"

"Don't be ridic-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP," She demanded. "YOU'RE the one being fucking ridiculous. You... you watched me from afar... you put money under the vending machine, but that's just fucking insulting. You watched me at my most vulnerable, and rather than doing anything to help, you just fed into the situation, helping me propagate a shitty way of living. You only did it to feed your sick fantasies which you've now deluded yourself into believing are true."

"But... aha... everything I did was to bring you happiness... did I not bring you happiness?"

"It's not what I fucking wanted!!" She shouted, her voice shaky again. "You know what I fucking wanted? You know what I still fucking want? I want to not have to rely on fucking vending machines to feed me! I want to be able to eat regularly like a normal fucking human being! I don't want your fucking pocket change! And most of all, I don't want you to be fucking watching me, getting sick enjoyment from me suffering every fucking day you disgusting bitch! I hate you! I could NEVER fucking love someone as sickening and self-deluded as you!!"

"B... B-Bu-"

"FUCK YOU!! GO THE FUCK AWAY!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, plopping back down on the toilet to continue sobbing.

I stepped from the toilet, my breath shaky. She... t-that... this... it... I... s-she... I... I-I...

Unable to even begin to form a thought, I simply stumbled backwards until my back hit the bathroom wall, at which point I slid down the wall and curled into the fetal position. Only then could I allow myself to begin crying.

Natsuki left at some point. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't sure how long as I sat there. Sometimes I wasn't crying, just sitting and wallowing my own misery. But the entire time, I did one thing... reflect.

Reform is not an easy process. I struck down my wrongdoings, one by one. At first, I postulated that it was my selfish desires - to _watch_ her be happy - that were wrong. But as I considered her words... I eventually concluded that leaving the money at all was wrong. And from there, then there would be no justification at all to watching her, so... everything I'd done since I met her was wrong. The truest conclusion was that I was no guardian angel... I was a personal devil, bringing suffering to those I loved. But can my feelings even be called love? I clearly hadn't known the first thing about her... my affection, my lust, was based only on what I'd observed from afar. I had no deeper understanding of who she was as a person. All I knew was that she was food insecure, and from that I built a personal cult... nothing I'd done had made any sense. I had truly been deranged... I had only caused suffering.

As I made that realization, I stood up slowly, my shoulder still pressed to the wall. The hall looked dark from here, and I reasoned that school must be long, long over by now... how dark is it, I wonder...

Stumbling forward, I looked out the windows in the hall to see that it was about sunset - earlier than I initially thought, but the sky was still a series of bands alternating from the bright pink of the sun, to the dark purple of the night sky. A perfect metaphor, no? Natsuki represented a bright ray of joy, and I a deep pit of despair...

No, that wasn't accurate. Natsuki was not perfect. She may even be a bad person. I have no way of knowing that. The sky does not serve as a metaphor for anything.

Sighing, my eyes sore from crying, I sat in the windowsill and thought to myself what I should do. It would be all too easy to simply sulk home, to tell my mother I got caught up in a library... but... what after that? Go back to school? Can I ever return to the place I sat at lunch? No doubt Natsuki will return to the vending machine, but... I can't just go back and sit where I once did, not so close to her after everything that's happened. And I shudder to think of the literature club... my very presence there will only be damaging...

Perhaps... it would be best... if I just... stopped... existing...

I sighed as my body went forth, knowing what to do before my mind could fully accept it. But it did not take long to resign myself to my fate. Either way, both my mind and body knew the way to the stairs that led to the roof of the school...

And so they took me there, in unison. When, at last, I made it to the roof, I could see that the sun had set a bit more than last I saw it, though it still was not fully beyond the horizon. It was beautiful... it's amazing that no matter how many times we see it, humans never seem to grow tired of the setting sun. While indeed just an accepted fact of life, it is too accepted for its beauty. A wonderful last sight for a tired pair of eyes.

It did not take me long to reach the railing that was supposed to block students from falling off, and it was an easy task to climb over. And so... here I stand, only alive because of my heels on the concrete and my hands on the railing.

Looking down, I could see that the fall didn't look quite as far as it did when standing at the bottom. I'm sure it would be enough to kill me, though... strangely, I couldn't find the will to tear up. Looking down at the ground from here, I felt... nothing. Nothing at all. And perhaps that was the greatest tragedy of them all... even in my final moments, I could not muster any sort of regrets about death. I had not lived a good enough life to justify feeling upset about ending it. indeed, not only had I known pain, I had caused it, and deluded myself into believing that my actions were not only just, but angelic. Truly I was a despicable specimen of human, the lowest breed of evil.

But no matter how much I willed it... my foot would not move forward from where I had it planted; nor would my hands cease gripping the railing tightly. Even as I looked down, the only feeling I felt being the cold breeze of the wind blowing right through me, my body would not lend me the strength to simply cease existing. Was I scared...? I certainly didn't feel as much... then why...? Why would my body not let me die? Why could I not atone for my sins like this?

_Because real sins cannot be atoned for._

I think I'd heard that quote somewhere, I don't remember where. It may've been in a book, or online, or in class. But regardless of where I'd heard it... I suppose that was why. Death would not release me from my sins. Death would not atone for my sins. It will simply remove me from the consequences of them, which would accomplish nothing. Nobody's life would be improved. I simply don't see Natsuki or Aoi rejoicing at my death, and if anything it may wreak even further havoc on Natsuki's emotional state...

Sighing, I climbed back over the railing. I pulled my phone from my bag and texted my mother.

_Sincerest apologies. I went to the library and lost track of time._

I slung my bag over my shoulder and went back inside. As I traveled down the stairs, the neutrality and emptiness in my soul was replaced with a sense of dread - the dread of having to see Natsuki again, after all this. No... rather, the dread of _her_ having to see _me_. I don't know how she's going to react to seeing me again... anger? Fear? Both would be justified... but I suppose only time will tell.

I looked behind me, the door to the outside still not having closed fully. The sun had set by now, but still I could make out the familiar details of the school roof... I hadn't been there much, but I was familiar with it. That would be a good place to eat lunch... perhaps I could eat there from now on, instead of the usual spot.

Turning back around, I proceeded down the stairs. Indeed, that would be a good place to eat lunch, far from Natsuki... preventing her from ever having to suffer in my presence. Perhaps the best way of moving on was just to avoid her the best I can, to spare her the pain... or whatever emotion she felt.

But as important as that was, I could hardly focus on it right now. I sighed as I reached the bottom of the stairs, looking around me and heading down the hall, towards the exit. I have no reason to be here anymore... I just want to go home and forget about all this... I just want to engross myself in a book and pretend this never happened...

Oh, how silly of me. Reality is never so forgiving. Neither is Natsuki, and neither am I. I can never seek to recover from this. I will forever be, at least to Natsuki and Aoi, Yuri the stalker.

* * *

**CONCLUDE, PROLOGUE**


	12. Back to Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where everything goes back to normal.

**OPEN, ACT I**

* * *

People often say that the most depressing time of the year is the period after Christmas into January, their reasoning being that the jolly Christmas season is now over, and they now no longer have such a joyous holiday to constantly look forward to. But me? I disagree. For me, the most depressing time of year is the holiday season itself. There's nothing more depressing than seeing everyone get all jolly and excited, everyone on TV getting cozy for the holiday season, and every day when I get home I just get to sit in my room, trying to keep warm under my blanket, having nothing to look forward to. December 25th is just a normal day in my life. I genuinely can't even remember the last time I got a Christmas present, and it's gotten to the point that I don't even know if I ever _have_ gotten one. But honestly, I'm used to it now... I used to cry every Christmas, but eventually I just got used to it. I don't treat it any different from any other day spent at home. Well... now that I think about it, I guess that's not _entirely_ true. Papa likes to splurge at the pub on Christmas as a way to celebrate, and sometimes he brings home his leftovers in a greasy bag. So, in a way, I get a Christmas dinner... it's just that said dinner usually consists of half-eaten greasy bar food. But hey, if there's one mantra that defines me, it's that food is food.

Regrettably, I haven't eaten all that much in a while (I mean, it's not like I ever ate much, but you know what I mean). Ever since the uh... well, the _incident_ with Yuri, there hasn't been much money under the vending machine. I guess it makes sense, since she was the one leaving it there... _and staring at me from afar_... ugh... but I guess it is kinda depressing that things just kinda... went back to normal. And I guess they're going back to normal now, too. I mean, it is the first day of school back from winter break... as much as I hate school, part of me is thankful that I get to escape from home for 8 hours a day (is it 8? Or is it 7? I can never remember...), even if that time comes with its own misery.

Wow, what a lucky girl I am... I get to escape from misery to slightly less misery. Truly, I'm living the high life, aren't I?

But as I approach the gate that marks the entrance to the school, I start to get why part of me feels nostalgic for this (despite the fact that I've only been on break for less than a month). After being stuck at home with Papa for so long, it's nice to get away from that environment, even if it means that I have to go to school. I mean, I doubt my "nostalgia" will last long... school comes with a bunch of its own problems. It'll be hard to get used to the environment after at home for so long... taking notes, listening to lectures, shuffling between class, I haven't been in the rhythm of doing any of these for weeks, so going back to it... fuck, it's gonna suck. But at least it's not home, right? I guess that's a plus...

"Natsuki!" A voice suddenly calls for me from behind. I'm startled at first, but try to relax myself as soon as I recognize the voice that calls for me... none other than Aoi.

"Aoi," I said, turning around and looking at her. Isn't she a sight for sore eyes... we met in a weird way, but I'm just glad that I have at least one person I can call my friend. Though, I guess Sayori could also count by this point... heh. I just realized that I have _two_ friends. Now I'm _really_ living it up!

"It's great to see you again, yes yes!" Aoi said, clambering over to me and shaking my hand energetically. She's definitely a weird girl, but I missed those quirks of hers over break... though I could do without some of the energy.

"Did you forget how easily startled I am over break?" I asked, jokingly folding my arms and pouting with my eyes closed. Smirking, I opened one eye and teased her. "Or... are you taking advantage of me for some quick giggles?"

Aoi huffed. "You know I'd never! I just missed you so much that I got excited! That's all, yes yes!"

I giggled. "Hehe, I missed you too - even if you are a humongous dummy!" I teased. Normally I wouldn't be this playful, but c'mon - it's been _weeks_ since I've seen her, you can't blame me for being a little excited too!

Huffing again, Aoi turned to face me. "Well, I _guess_ I forgive you... but I reject your notion that I am a dummy, let alone a humongous one!"

"Well, that part can remain up for debate," I teased.

"Hey!"

"Oi oi, the contract isn't a closed one yet! We can negotiate the terms further if you like, or we can postpone that for lunch break."

Aoi jokingly pouted, hemming and hawing for a moment before she looked at me with one eye. "We can renegotiate at lunch. Until then, no deals are made!"

"Haha, very well. Shake on it?"

Aoi, ever the fan of handshakes (for some reason), eagerly nodded, reaching for my outstretched hand and shaking it vigorously. "Deal!"

Smiling, I broke our handshake and walked along towards the actual front door of the school, Aoi quickly catching up and walking beside me. Aoi really had become an essential part of my school experience... she really was the silver lining to all this, and part of the reason I even remotely looked forward to coming back to school. She's just a sweet, well-meaning girl; hell, we only ever met because she saw that I was dealing with something heavy and decided to do something about it. She's certainly more... socially adept, than I am, but we still get along. She's very understanding, too; she has no idea about the vending machine thing I do, but every day she waits about 5 minutes for me in the lunchroom and never questions where I was in those 5 minutes. Sometimes she even offers to share some of her food with me, and while usually I try to refuse, sometimes I give in and take a little bit... I do my best to eat it as "normally" as I can, but when you don't get to eat properly for days at a time, you're bound to scarf stuff down at least a _bit_ faster than other people do. But even _that_ never seems to bother her... really, I couldn't be more grateful for her.

Well... as nice as she is, maybe I'm seeing her through rose-tinted glasses. I'd be biased towards thinking well of her since she's my first real friend, and of course because she helped me with... the _Yuri situation_ , as it were... but I'm sure she has her flaws. I mean, she can be a bit forgetful at times, and she's often too loud or energetic for me to handle... but I guess that's just the sort of thing you gotta deal with in a friendship, right? It's not like she acts out of spite, it's just... the way she is. And that's okay, even if it is a bit hard to deal with sometimes. Overall, she's just a great friend. My only friend.

Well... my only friend except Sayori. But as much as I like Sayori, I can't say I know her quite as well as Aoi. Sayori may be my age, but we don't have _any_ classes together, nor do we even have the same lunch... I guess you'd call that bad luck. Sure, we do interact a good bit during club time, but Aoi has more of a... more of a presence in my life. I mean, it's not like I dislike Sayori; on the contrary, I actually really like her. Like Aoi, she's a sweet girl, but in a different way. Whereas Aoi is more of a proactive problem solver, who I met because she wanted to solve an issue I had, Sayori just wants everyone to be happy. She's always trying to cheer everyone up by being such a shining ray of sunshine. She even helped me out of the slump I fell into after... the _Yuri incident_... damn, is that really the best name I can come up with for that? Well, anyway... she does everything she can to try and make everyone happy, including smoothing things out after an argument. And y'know, as much of a folly as her goal may be, I appreciate her efforts and I always try to seem extra-cheerful around her, just to let her know that she matters. Hell, sometimes I don't even have to try - she'll just genuinely put me in a better mood. She's a good girl, it's just unfortunate that I don't get as much time to spend with her as Aoi... that said, she also has the same problem Aoi has, that being that she's very loud and energetic, making her hard for me to deal with sometimes. Still, just as I was with Aoi, I'm excited to see Sayori again too. Our reunion will be at the club period though, so I guess I'll just have to wait until then...

As for now though, Aoi and I have reached the school doors. And unfortunate as it may be, she and I have different first periods.

"Well," Aoi said, turning to me. "See you at lunch, yes yes! So that we may renegotiate our contract, of course~"

I giggled. "Yes, Aoi, I'll see you then."

"Seeya!" She said, bounding off down the hall, leaving me to get to my own period.

I sighed. Without her, all the happiness just kinda drained from my body at once. Well, not all of it - I still held onto the solace that this wasn't home, and that Papa wasn't here. But without Aoi, it all just felt so... schooly. That's not a word, but it should be.

But it's not like I have time to sit here and dwell over what should and shouldn't be a word. I gotta get to class, after all... ugh. I'd rather jump off a bridge. But it's not like I have a choice. Of course, I never have a choice about anything...

* * *

Disappointing, but certainly not surprising - that's a sentiment that has a lot of presence in my life, but it's most prominent when I root under the vending machines and find, as you'd expect from a vending machine in the middle of nowhere, _nothing_. Which is, of course, exactly what just happened.

I sighed, standing up empty-handed. I remember how excited I used to get, every day finding more and more money hidden away... I don't know how I ever questioned how suspicious it was, but I guess it was just because I was so excited that I didn't wanna bring any gritty realism into my blissful joy. Of course, if I'd know the true source of the money...

I clenched my fist. I still got mad whenever I thought about it... and doubly mad when I realized what she'd done to me. It was one thing to stash money away under the vending machine and get sick enjoyment from watching me from around the corner, but as if that wasn't enough, she'd made me... _like_ it.

Obviously it's not like I took any enjoyment out of the fact that she watched me for her own sick pleasure. At the time it made me cry, but now it just makes my blood boil... no, that's not it. She made me miss those days, the days when I found so much money and got so much food. It's literally like an abuser's tactic; she'd made me totally dependent on her for food, and now that she's gone, I get to scrounge for scraps like normal. She'd not only stalked me, she'd psychologically manipulated me... but it's not the end of the world. As much as I try to refuse her, Aoi gives me a portion of her lunch most days, so I'm less dependent on the vending machines than I used to be (of course, I still go checking every day). Who knows, maybe one day I won't have to check the vending machines at all? Then I'll finally be free...

Huuph. That's just wishful thinking. I looked over to the far edge of the wall of the school. Just around that corner, Yuri used to sit and stare at me... I wonder how I never noticed... I mean, I guess it's a fairly innocuous corner, the same as any other. I'd never thought to look over there, and I'd never seen her in my periphery. It's so weird to think that it's that easy to just watch someone from afar like that...

Slowly, I started to walk towards the wall's edge... I knew she couldn't be there, not anymore... but still, I couldn't stop myself from shuddering...

There's something very human about that... fearing the unknown, despite it being illogical for there to be anything to harm us... like a child running up the basement stairs after turning the light off. In my case, however, it feels justified... after everything I've been through, a certain level of paranoia just makes sense. It's like a shield to protect me from those who want to take advantage of me one way or another... though, what good is a shield when you're walking right into danger, as I am now by testing my luck? What really are the chances she won't be there? I know I checked for several days after the _incident_ , but she could've come back today... you can never know... not unless... you...

...check!

I sighed as I thrust my head around the corner, only to see... nothing. The grass doesn't even look like it's been sat on for a while. So, she really has given up for good... I wonder if she decided to finally leave the literature club. Ha! As if... I guess January really does just mean the return to the status quo, which just means the same old bullshit with Yuri. I guess I can deal, even if that bitch does piss me off just by being in the same room as me. Whatever, at least Sayori will be there to help calm me down...

With that, I was satisfied that Yuri wouldn't dare come back to sit here. I could never really tell how she was feeling, since she was so timid that she hid her feelings, but I got the impression that she was afraid of me. And I consider that to be a good thing - or, at least if _felt_ good. She went from stalking me like a predator to avoiding me out of terror... serves her right! She learned her fuckin' place!

But that's enough about her. I have to meet up with Aoi, right? Someone who's actually worth my time.

And that's exactly what I did. And it's exactly how I got here.

"So~" Aoi chimed, looking right at me as soon as I sat down. "How was your break~?"

I gulped. My break, just like any amount of time I had to spend at home, was utter shit. Constant fear of severe punishment for the smallest of inconveniences, daily reminders of how useless and awful I am, and of course the lack of any sort of pleasant Christmas... not the sort of stuff I was planning on getting into, and I certainly didn't want to spill all that to Aoi. So, I tried my best to deflect the conversation.

"A-Aha... why don't you tell me about yours?" I asked, in the most pathetic deflection I've ever heard. I mean, okay, I'm not exactly adept in conversation, but really? Not even addressing the question and just asking her? That was pathetic! If I'm gonna avoid talking about home, I'm gonna have to do better than that...

"Huh?" Aoi looked at with a puzzled expression on her face. Clearly she wanted to know more, but as understanding as she was, she didn't press it. "Well... mine was pretty good, yes yes! My family and I took a trip up to Aomori like we do every winter!"

"Aomori?" I interjected. "If you're gonna go up that far, why not just go to Hokkaido?"

"Bah, Hokkaido's too touristy, yes yes!" Aoi said, opening her lunchbox. "Besides, my grandfather on my mother's side has a house up there. It has a wonderful view of the cherry blossoms!"

"But those bloom in spring," I remarked.

"Sure, but they're still beautiful in the snow!"

"Yeah, but if you're gonna go up to see the cherry blossoms, you might as well do it in the spring when they're actually blooming."

"I go up when they blossom in the spring, but we don't have a break around that time, so I don't stay for very long. Still, it's nice to go up north where it snows more, yes yes."

"Well, that's fair enough. We didn't get a white Christmas down here."

"It's not that rare though, it snows plenty in this country!"

"Eh, sometimes."

Aoi chewed on her food for a bit before a look of realization shone in her eyes like a lightbulb going off.

"Ah! Natsuki! Would you care for a bite of my lunch?" She asked, gesturing towards the box on the table.

"O-Oh, w-well... uhmn... I-I couldn't impose on you like that..." I said nervously, trying to resist digging into her food.

"You should know to think nothing of it by now, yes yes! Come now, have at least a bite!" She insisted, holding a morsel of food in her chopsticks and pushing it towards my face.

"W-Well, I mean, e-er..."

"Come oooon! Say aaah, yes yes~!"

I unable to resist the offer of food any longer, I bit down on the morsel she offered me, chewing and swallowing faster than... I dunno, faster than something really fast. No time to think, I'm hungry.

"Hehe~! Attagirl, yes yes~" She said, smiling as she portioned off a piece of her lunch, separating it from the rest of her food. "Here, this bit is yours!" She said, eagerly pushing the box towards me and handing me a spare pair of chopsticks. No sooner did she put it in front of me, though, then did I eagerly grab the chopsticks and start devouring my portion like I hadn't eaten in days because, well... I really _hadn't_ eaten in days! It was a great lunch, which is of course another reason to be thankful for Aoi.

Yeah, I downed my portion pretty quick, like I always do. It's kinda embarrassing, but by this point I kinda feel comfortable embarrassing myself in front of Aoi... she doesn't seem to mind, and I guess she hasn't had terribly too many friends either, since I've never seen her with anyone but me. But that's probably digging too deep into things... I'm just happy to get to eat.

As soon as I'm done, I set my chopsticks down in front of me. "Aaah... that's delicious. Your mom's great at this," I said. "My compliments to the chef~"

Aoi giggled. "Oh, you~!"

Smiling, I looked over at the clock to see we had a few minutes left. But without much left to talk about, I simply sighed and smiled, leaning my head back and relaxing for a second. I was beginning to see why cliques had formed so easily among the student body... friendship is good (I say, sounding like a Disney character), so naturally people will form groups around it. And as for why they keep others out? Well, _I_ certainly wouldn't be comfortable if some rando walked up to Aoi and I and asked for a seat. Listen, it's not like I'm trying to justify this whole clique system or whatever, I'm just saying I now understand _why_ it happens, not that it's good. Though... it _does_ feel kinda good to know that I have a place now...

Eh, I'm probably overthinking things. I'm just happy to have a friend is all.

Looking back at Aoi, I saw her packing her things up. Huh...? How long had I rested for...? To check, I turned to look at the clock only to find... lunch was ending.

"Damn... you should've told me we didn't have much time left," I idly remarked as I stood up.

"Oh, come on! You looked so peaceful that I didn't want to disturb you, yes yes~" Aoi said, winking at me. I slung my bag over my shoulder and started for the hall, waving a quick goodbye to Aoi and heading to... sigh. My next class. Just as before, the life drained from my system as soon as I was out of Aoi's presence. Was that a testament to how shit school was, or to how great having a friend was? Probably a bit of both... but unfortunately, I don't have much time to dwell on that. After all, I have a class to get to...

* * *

I stretched, relaxing for just a second before I casually strutted out into the hallway, feeling half-exhausted and half-leisurely... if that makes any sense. I turned both ways to look around, seeing (of course) people in the hallway, most of them funneling towards the exit, and other to various different classrooms to pa rticipate in their clubs. As I walked and walked and walked to where the club room was, the crowd getting thinner by the second, I expected Sayori to pop out at an moment like she normally does - give me a little scare (which was admittedly my least favorite part of both her and Aoi), and then giggle and talk with me as we went to club together.

But... nothing. It was unusual, but I guess it was okay... she must've gotten to the club room already - not surprising, since she's the vice president and all. Monika must've needed her early or something, those two were always talking... but I was probably getting ahead of myself. I'm overthinking literally the _tiniest_ possible divergence from a normal schedule, so it's best if I just get on my merry way.

As soon as I actually _did_ make it to the club, I walked through the door to find... lo and behold, she wasn't here. Monika and Yuri were, though, in the same spots I always saw them - Monika sitting at her desk, looking over some papers or something, and Yuri in the corner, her face buried deep in a book. I noticed Yuri tense up as I entered the room, making me almost feel bad for her - key word, _almost_. I couldn't force myself to sympathize with, even if I wanted to. Which I don't.

Sighing as I realized Sayori just wasn't here, I shuffled over to a desk so sit my stuff on.

"Afternoon, Natsuki~" Monika chimed, smiling at me as I walked in.

"Afternoon," I replied, plopping down in the seat and setting my stuff in the chair adjacent to me. I grabbed my phone from my bag and instinctively started going through it, not that I'd found anything particularly interesting.

"On your phone so soon, Natsuki?" Monika asked. "Club time has hardly even begun~"

"Well, Sayori isn't here, so I figured we should wait for her," I replied, looking up at her.

"Hmmn..." Monika pondered. "Well, I suppose we can wait to _really_ begin club until Sayori arrives. But we don't have to wait in silence until then, do we?"

I sighed, putting my phone away. "What do you propose we do, then?"

"Well, this is a literature club, is it not? And what better way to spend time in a _literature_ club than to discuss, well... literature?"

"Fair enough," I conceded, "But, like... how? Er... rather, what do we actually discuss? _Literature_ is a pretty broad topic, isn't it?"

Monika hummed for a bit as she tried to figure that one out. "Well, we could simply talk about the types of literature we each like. I'm sure we all must have something to say about that, no?"

"I mean, I guess..." I said. Despite all this time, I still hadn't become fully comfortable discussing manga in the club, even with Sayori. It was... well, it was just embarrassing! There's no beating around the bush, it's just embarrassing to talk about an interest that you can get so easily judged for! Even if none of them were judging me for it (that I knew of), I still wasn't used to talking about with other people, at least not in person... so while I'm not the _hugest_ fan of Monika's idea, it might not be the worst way to spend the time we had before Sayori showed up. Of course... it meant having to listen to _Yuri_ talk about whatever shit _she_ read... ugh, that edgy bitch reads the weirdest shit. It may seem hypocritical for a manga reader such as myself to criticize someone because of their interests, but like... come on, at least I don't read about creepy, depressing shit like she does!

"Well then, I suppose we might as well. Yuri," She suddenly boomed, calling the startled Yuri to attention.

"A-Ah... y-y-yes...?" Yuri asked quietly from her corner of the room.

"Would you come and join us? We're going to have a discussion while we wait for Sayori," Monika commanded.

"A-Ah, u-uhmn... ah... o-okay," Yuri finally said, surrendering as she gracefully stood up and shuffled towards us, nervously avoiding my gaze and hiding her eyes with her bangs. She probably knew, though, that I was glaring angrily at her the entire time. She knew full well how much I hated her - I mean, I didn't exactly make a secret of it. Monika and Sayori knew, too, though they didn't know the reason why (nor did they need to).

"So," Monika said, "Yuri, you're very passionate about literature, no?" She asked, as soon as Yuri sat down.

Yuri gulped. "Y... Y-Yes..." She muttered.

Monika grinned. "Then, why don't you go first?"

Obviously taken aback, Yuri stuttered out a response. "A-Ahh, I-I, u-uhmn, I-I, uhh..."

"C'mon," I said, trying to stifle a grin. I'd actually quite like to see her go first; after all she'd put me through, she should be able to handle a little public speaking, eh?

Yuri briefly looked over to me, before looking away just as quickly. "U-Uhmn... I-I... I-I like a v-variety of d-different types of l-literature... t-though... uhmn... I-I take a particular i-interest in... uhmn... R-Russian p-philosophy... a-and... uhmn... h-h-h-horror..."

"I hate horror," I remarked. Yuri shuddered a bit as I spoke.

Ignoring me, Monika pressed on. "What would you say your favorite book is?"

"A-Ahh... I-I like... uhmn... _N-Notes from Underground_... b-by Fyodor D-Dostoevsky..."

"Ah, yes I remember that one. You shared it with us, didn't you?" Monika asked.

Yuri nodded. "Y-Y... Y-Yes..."

"So, what would you say you like about it exactly?"

Yuri gulped again, and started playing with her hair. That's a nervous tic for a lot of people, so it doesn't surprise me that Yuri would do it too.

"I-It... uhmn... i-it's very interesting... i-it... it's a... it's an interesting l-look at the world through t-the eyes of c-cynic who's lost everything..." She said, forming a coherent sentence without pausing so often. An impressive feat for her.

"Oh?" Monika rested her chin in her hand.

Yuri nodded. "Y-Yes... t-the main character, t-the _Underground Man_ , as it were, i-is a spiteful man, and seeing the world through the eyes of someone so hateful and vitriolic is very interesting. One excellent example of his pettiness is his rivalry with a Petrograd police officer with whom he once had an altercation in a pub; the _Underground Man_ passes by him every day, and comes to believe that the police officer is ignoring his very existence simply to spite him. After thinking of numerous ways to exact his revenge, he eventually decides to borrow money to buy an expensive coat to bump into the officer with, to prove that they are equals. He enacts his plan, but to his horror, the officer does not even seem to recognize that it even happened."

I groaned. "Why would you want to read about such a petty, spiteful loser?"

"A-Ah, w-well..." Yuri murmured, quickly returning to her usual demeanor. "Viewing the world from such people's eyes is an interesting perspective to view it from... i-in my opinion, a-at least..."

"Interesting how? It just seems depressing to me."

"W-Well... c-cynicism and n-nihilism, w-while often believed to simply be the beliefs of pessimists, are indeed valid ways of viewing the world. They are philosophies with their own justifications, the same as any other philosophical ideology one associates with..."

"Solipsism," Monika suddenly interjected, "Is one such philosophy."

For a moment, it seemed Yuri and I were both united in that we were taken aback by Monika's sudden interjection. Yuri was the first to speak in response.

"Y... Y-Yes... Solipsism is one such philosophy... t-though it has little credence in the community..."

Monika nodded. "I was merely mentioning it."

I has no idea what they were talking about, but I know Yuri was being an emo bitch again, so it felt like time to shoot her down.

"Well, either way, viewing the world from the eyes of a pessimistic twat doesn't exactly sound like a pleasant read," I remarked casually.

"W-Well... yes, I-I suppose that for many, it's not exactly a 'fun read.' But it's not exactly meant to be. I-It's more meant to be a critique of the world, an alternate perspective, as it were. It was written during the time of many Utopian socialists, who wrote of grand glass towers build by the collective efforts of a communal society. Dostoevsky viewed such ideologies as farcical, and attacked them vigorously - especially in the first section of _Notes_."

"I don't care about any of that!" I bleated. "And why should I? I just read what I like, not to 'critique society' or whatever!"

Yuri sighed - probably the first time I'd ever seen her do as much. "Simple entertainment like manga has its place, but the greats will discuss the nature of the world undisturbed by those who do not wish to question that which lies around them."

"Huh?!" I clenched my fists. "Manga is literature! Don't dismiss it is 'simple entertainment,' it's more than that! It's an art form!"

"Be that as it may, it simply does not hold the same importance that traditional art does. It serves mostly as cheap entertainment. Has a manga ever started a philosophical or political movement? Has a manga ever had the same profound impact traditional literature does?"

"None of that shit matters! That doesn't define what is and isn't literature! You don't have to start a movement to be an artist, you know!"

"Manga is merely a-"

"Ahem!"

We were suddenly interrupted by the sound of a boy clearing his throat. In the doorway stood a boy, taller than me (go figure) with a relatively slim build. He was wearing, of course, the boys' uniform, the blazer buttoned up all the way, and the tie done neatly. You could tell eh was a well-kept guy from his wavy brown hair, which looked polished and clean. What stood out most, however, was his yellow eyes - yellow, I know! That's certainly a first...

"Yes?" Monika called to the boy. Yuri sunk back into her seat, her temporary confidence now gone as it normally was.

"Ah, have I come at a bad time?" The boy asked.

"Not at all," Monika said, shaking her head. "Any time is a good time."

"Actually, we-"

"Ah, good," The boy said, interrupting me. "I kinda have to be here, whether it's a good time or not..."

"Hmn?" Monika hummed, looking at the boy. "How do you mean?"

"W-Well, ah..." The boy twiddled his fingers. "She insisted I let you know, so, uh... i-it regards Sayori."

"Sayori?" I asked, my head perking up. It was just then that I remembered Yuri and I's debate was just in wait for Sayori... where was she? Was she okay?

The boy nodded. "E-Er, I suppose I should introduce myself... my name is Masaaki Chidori, or MC for short. Er, at least, that's what Sayori calls me... a-anyway, she and I are old friends who reconnected over the break."

"So, what news do you bring us of our dear club member?" Monika asked.

"W-Well, uh... she's... in the hospital, right now..."

"T-The hospital?!" I cried out. "Is she sick, did she hurt herself? Is she okay?!"

MC seemed startled by my sudden burst in energy, but... c'mon! Sayori's in the hospital, how can you expect me _not_ to be surprised?!

"W-Well, uh... t-this is the hard part, aha... but she insisted I let you know, so, uh..."

He took a deep breath, and we all awaited his next words.

"She... attempted to take her own life, over break."


	13. Unexpected Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I do a bit of lamenting, as so often I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: I updated the description before I uploaded this chapter! Just wanted to make you aware :3

This area had a very clear view of the sky - well, of course it did. I was on the roof of the school, after all. And one could make the argument that you can see the sky from most places, and that is indeed a legitimate point. But from here, one could see the sky most unobstructed - the buildings in this area were not particularly tall, so the skyline did little to interrupt the view. Nor did any nearby trees have an effect on the visibility, being that this area was atop the school and thus not low enough for any of the trees in the area to even reach this high. Truly, this was serenity...

I sighed. I'd always worried that I'd done that too often; sighing is not necessarily a good or bad habit, but doing it in excess cannot be considered positive... after all, it means an excess of situations in which sighing is justified, and being that sighing is most often a reaction to a negative situation, it means an excess of negative situations.

What is my point? What exactly am I trying to say? Well, I... I suppose I'm just having trouble processing everything lately, that's all. For all the time I'd spent around her, I can never say I knew Sayori all that well... I'm certain she must've considered me a friend, but I hardly ever spoke to her. Just like normal, I would only sit in the corner of the classroom, absorbing myself in a book to avoid interacting with them, to avoid Natsuki's scrutiny. Part of me almost wonders if my isolation had been a partial cause of her attempt, but I knew it was presumptuous for me to assume that I was a big enough part of her life to have much or any of an effect on her decision whether or not to live. She must've been dealing with personal issues, issues so personal she hardly shared them with anyone... struggles she _couldn't_ reveal to anyone, for if she did, they might think worse of her. And then they might tell other people, and repeat, until it becomes public knowledge and everyone knows you as "that freak with the problems," leading only to further ridicule and humiliation, with even those who take pity on you looking at you like you're a freak, a mistake, even if they mean well.

In that I regard, I can say I know how she felt. But perhaps I was getting ahead of myself; I was making more assumptions, which will do me no well.

To tell the truth, I wasn't entirely certain what to do with myself... last night I simply went home, ate dinner, read in my room for a bit, fed my desire, and went to bed. It was a normal evening. But something about that - the fact that it was indeed just a normal evening - felt wrong to me. I'd never been around such tragedy before; the closest thing was when I considered it myself on the night Natsuki confronted me, but that had a much more direct effect on me, being that it involved myself. As for Sayori... I simply didn't know her very well. I wasn't in tears over this, I wasn't devastated... but... I felt like I should be. I felt guilty for not having more of a reaction... it's terrible to have so little a reaction to the attempted suicide of someone so close to me (in that we spent a good deal of time in the same room), isn't it? What would Sayori think if she saw me? What would she say if she saw me simply getting along with my life, knowing full well she was in the hospital from a suicide attempt? It would make her feel terrible, wouldn't it? It would lead to her to question whether she really mattered at all...

But as terrible as it was, I simply didn't know what to do, how to react. What _was_ I supposed to do? I still have to get up every morning, go to school, go through the motions... but I don't know how to not act as though nothing's happened. I don't have anyone talk to about it to, and it doesn't occupy my mind very much, so... what do I do?

I sighed again - I've changed my mind, that's certainly a bad habit. The conclusion of all this was either that I was too callous, or that I didn't know Sayori well enough... with all this having happened, perhaps I should make more of an active effort to get to know her. But is that even a good idea? I mean, if I just _now_ decide to approach her, after she's attempted suicide, how would she even react? I could see her thinking of it as a kind gesture, but at the same time, I wonder whether she would view it as an insult of sorts... as proof that I wasn't really interested in her, and only wanted to talk to her out of pity. Something certainly needed to change, though... she needs support after all she'd been through, whatever it may've been.

Turning around, I looked at my bag as it rest on the ground. The air was cold despite the sun shining in the sky - indeed, it was but an average January day. Given the temperature, there were fewer students on the roof than there would be in warmer days - though, it isn't as though many students came to the area I was sitting anyway. Technically, we weren't supposed to eat outside during the colder months, but it was a scarcely-enforced rule.

My bag had the handle of a knife sticking out of it, and I looked at it intently. I'd quite like to satiate my urges now, but there wasn't enough time left in the lunch period to justify it. I should've started earlier... such are the consequences of procrastination, however. Perhaps it was a bit insensitive to Sayori, though... well, it's not as though I even knew how she'd attempted to take her own life. All Chidori - er, _MC_ , as it were - had told us was that she'd attempted to take her own life over winter break due to complications in her mental state. He decided to elaborate any further, though he did mention he was an old friend of hers who reconnected with her over break... poor Natsuki was devastated, she didn't even believe him at first. She tried hitting him before she angrily plopped down in a chair to sob to herself... it made me feel bad for arguing with her.

Though... to tell the truth, I really shouldn't have argued with her to begin with. That was a foolish, misguided, hotheaded decision on my part... I just got too heated in the moment for my own good. I'd taken no issue with Natsuki choosing to belittle me - after all, I had committed a terrible act by stalking her, and seriously harmed her mentally, so it was well within her right to exact her revenge on me. But when she came after the literature I so cherished... I took it too far. i should've simply apologized and shut up, and that would've been it. But I ended up getting into an argument with her... truly, I am despicable, am I not? And it isn't as though I can "make it up to her," as though it were even that simple. It will simply weigh on my conscience forever... whereas most would simply forget such a silly little argument within a few days' time, it will remain forever in the back of my mind, as a reminder of how truly horrible a being I am.

I gritted my teeth and patted my foot, leaning my back against the railing - though, on account of my height, it was more like my buttocks pressing against it. In a way, I was almost sitting... but not quite. Either way, it did little to quell the urge that was boiling under my skin, itching at me until I was ready to burst... but I'd already concluded I didn't have enough time to scratch my itch, so I'll simply have to wait until later. But when will I have time? Certainly not between classes... if I'm lucky, I can excuse myself to go to the bathroom during club period, but that's certainly not guaranteed... huuph, will I genuinely have to wait until I get home? I don't know if I can survive that long... I'm going to get agitated, aren't I? And judging from yesterday's argument, it would be in nobody's best interest, least of all my own, for me to get agitated... huuph. This was a most unpleasant predicament, and one without an easy solution... I suppose I simply have to not speak up during the club period, so that I may save myself the trouble of stumbling into another argument...

Quietly and swiftly, I closed up my bag, settling it over my shoulder and holding it in place. I looked around to see the unobstructed view of the sky one last time, the sun shining divinely in the bitter cold. It shone golden rays across the schoolyard, illuminating the otherwise cold, dreary January air with a touch - just a touch - of warmth, like a gift bequeathed upon us by a kind Emperor.

Sighing, I shook my head. Perhaps I was being poetic. Perhaps, after all this time, a part of me is still deluded into believing the grandiose fantasy I'd privately created, the angelic mythos that only existed to justify my own degeneracy. It wouldn't surprise me... I am, after all, truly a horrible, horrible person.

* * *

Something felt different. It made sense that it would - we were, after all, missing a club member. But it wasn't just that; the atmosphere overall had changed. Everyone was silent, but the air buzzed with... tension, was it? Or perhaps it was the more broad concept of "awkwardness." Or perhaps it was the lingering sensation of dread and worry that came in the wake of an attempted suicide.

I, for one, was not exactly itching to become the one to break the silence. As a matter of fact, I'd been itching all day to feed my urges, but unfortunately had not found the time - just as I'd predicted at lunch. I was actually rather jumpy... the fact that I'd waited so long to even _consider_ to feed at lunch was a terrible decision on my part, and I was now facing the consequences of my foolish actions (or rather, lack of action). I could barely even focus on my book at this point, I was merely playing with my hair and tapping my foot against the ground. It would be most ideal if we could get through this period without a single world being spoken... then, I could return home, and from there, indulge as much as I like. But I had to suffer this insufferable silence for a moment...

"Can you fucking stop?" Natsuki suddenly blurted. I leapt in my seat a bit before I raised my gaze to meet hers - indeed, she was glaring at me angrily, bags under her eyes. She looks... tired, to speak concisely of a topic about which I could describe at length. I know she and Sayori got on well, so this must've been a particularly hard time for her... not only that, I don't blame her for being agitated at me in particular, given what I'd put her through. But despite all that, I still didn't exactly know what she meant... stop what, exactly?

"U-Uhmn... s-stop what?" I asked, audible enough for her to hear.

She groaned. "The fuck do you think? The tapping, stop tapping your fucking foot against the fucking ground!" She demanded, clenching her fists tightly in her lap as she continued to stare me down. I shirked in my seat, taking the hint that she wasn't having any of it...

"S-Sincerest apologies..." I muttered, bringing my foot to a rest at her behest.

She scoffed. "Whatever..."

I kept my head low. I had to consciously keep my foot from tapping... I was simply so jittery I couldn't keep myself from expending the built-up energy I had. Really, when was this period going to end? I wanted to relieve myself sooner rather than later...I'd already waited for so long, and honestly at this point the relief couldn't come soon enough. This amount of stress isn't good for someone like me... I don't handle stress well, as I'm sure even the most casual and distanced of observers could guess. I didn't exactly come off as a confident person, and I'd had suicidal thoughts on several occasions, so around the time of an attempted suicide, I... ah, it's best not to think about it.

As if sent to keep me safe from the depths of my own mind, Masaaki - er, rather, MC - slowly poked his head through the door before stepping inside. I looked up at him, hoping that he would serve as both a distraction to Natsuki to prevent further conflict, and for me to keep myself busy with thoughts other than how much I wanted to relieve my desires.

"A-Ah, hello..." He muttered as he entered.

"MC," Monika said, looking at him with a disinterested sort of apathy. "Come to bear more bad news, are you?"

MC shook his head. "No... w-well, maybe. Depends what you think of as 'bad news,' I guess."

Monika raised and eyebrow. "Oh?"

"I've come here because... well, I'm _going_ to be coming here, a lot more. Er, uh... w-what I'm trying to say is that I'm joining the literature club."

Monika's other eyebrow also raised now as she was clearly intrigued by MC's words. Her placid expression morphed into a grin as she stood up. "Interesting... is this at Sayori's behest?" She asked.

"Ah..." MC rubbed his arm, clearly taken aback by Monika's (seemingly) accurate guess. "Bingo."

As Monika greeted MC, Natsuki looked to the floor as she crossed her arms, grumbling to herself.

"A boy...? Way to kill the atmosphere..." She mumbled. I almost took particular notice to that line, but... I knew better. It was likely an off-comment about the comfortable nature of an all-girls classroom. As much as I'd like to avoid stereotyping MC, I... I'm inclined to agree with Natsuki, though for different reasons I'm sure. I... well, there's no more flowery way to put it, no way to spice it up beyond the simply-stated truth. I am a lesbian. My sexual and romantic preference is strongly towards women. And though I am not less capable of interacting with boys than girls (that is, I have an equal level of inability with both), something feels more... _right_ , or rather... something feels more comfortable about being around girls than boys. Am I a bad person for that? I know that stereotyping is a negative, and that it makes the victim feel ostracized, unwelcome, or even that they don't belong in the environment that they are in... it's a terrible feeling, I know, so I don't want to be the person who does that to an innocent classmate.

Was Natsuki, then, at fault for being dismayed at the introduction of a male club member? Well... uhmn... perhaps I was reading too deep into this, as I so often do. It was likely nothing more than an off-handed remark, certainly nothing to analyze...

"So," Monika began, approaching MC as she walked out from behind her desk. "What sort of literature do you like, then?"

"O-Oh, well, uh..." MC nervously rubbed the back of his head. "I don't have a ton of experience with literature, really... I mean, I read a couple of scifi novels when I was a kid... a-and I read manga sometimes, but I dunno if that really counts..."

"Of course it counts!" Natsuki shouted, standing up straight. As all eyes in the room drew to her, however, she recoiled in terror - obviously, her shooting up was a kneejerk reaction, rather than an intentional attempt to hold discourse. Sheepishly, she sat back down, quietly uttering her final thoughts.

"M-Manga is literature..."

Monika smirked. "Natsuki here has a particular interest in manga... I'm sure you could tell that, though~" She giggled. Natsuki blushed from embarrassment as Monika spoke, clearly not welcoming the attention.

"Well, uh, I guess there's nothing wrong with that," MC remarked. "We all have our passions..."

That we do, MC, that we do.

"While we're talking about the rest of the club, may I note that Yuri is a particular fan of horror novels and... what was it? Polish philosophy?"

I bit my lip as Monika introduced me. I was already feeling anxious thanks to the lack of relief all day, but now Monika wanted me to talk about my literary interests in front of a boy I hardly knew? As if my day weren't bad enough as is...

"A-Ah... t-that would be R-Russian philosophy..." I corrected her. How does one confuse Russia and Poland...? That's an unusual pair of countries to get mixed up...

"Ah, yes, of course. Sincerest apologies~" Monika chimed, not sounding apologetic in the slightest. Why did I get the notion she was making fun of me...? Was I, again, looking too deep into things? Or perhaps she viewed such "playful teasing" as a normal part of her behavior? I'd never noticed it before... but more than likely, it was nothing.

"Anyway," Monika went on, "As for Sayori... well, I'm sure you know what she likes to read. You and her are friends, no?"

"Er... well, yeah, but we've never really talked about literature before."

"Oh? So you're childhood friends but you don't even know what sorts of books she likes to read?" Monika questioned, asking the question as though she were an interrogator. "Suspicious."

"Suspicious...?" MC asked. "What's that supposed to mean? I just don't really talk to her about books... it's not the sort of thing a lot of people talk about, anyway."

"Be that as it may, _surely_ at some point in your long time of knowing her, you'd have found out what she likes to read, one way or another?"

MC sighed. "Why are you getting on my case about this so much...?"

"Well, I suppose it's worthy being cautious... after all, our only knowledge of this situation comes from you. None of us have seen Sayori in the hospital, nor have we seen any records of her there. For all we know, she may just be on vacation. How can we be sure you're not lying?"

"W-What?!" MC sputtered, looking like a mix between shocked and enraged. "Why would I fake that?! I-I... I've been through a lot recently, okay? I mean, I-I was the one who found her, I-I... j-just... p-please, trust me..."

By the end of his sentence, MC looked like wore an exhausted grimace, as though he were on the verge of tears - a far cry from the offended look of shock he had when Monika first made clear her suspicions. I, for one, didn't doubt MC's authenticity, especially not after seeing the almost traumatized look he wore now.

Just then, I had an illogical little thought... I'd made no offense to MC, but... still, I felt bad. I'd almost considered stereotyping him as the typical thuggish high school boy who didn't like to show his emotions, and even though I hadn't acted or even accepted those thoughts, still I felt guilt - especially after seeing the emotion an vulnerability he can truly display. So, I... I might as well stand up for him, no? Even if it is a bit... out-of-character for me, as it were...

"U-Uhmn," I spoke up.

"Hmn?" Monika looked over at me. It's too late to turn back now... I gulped.

"U-Uhmn... I-I... I-I think you're being too hard on MC, M-Monika... w-we have no reason t-to distrust him..."

Monika sighed. "I didn't expect you to be so unscrupulous, Yuri."

"B-But he hasn't done anything suspicious... y-you're making a b-big deal out of nothing..."

As I spoke, she rubbed the bridge of her nose and tensed up. She looked peeved, but for just a moment a grin flashed on her face... I barely had time to register it, however, before it was gone. She looked at me, dead in the eyes, her gaze as cold as Antarctic ice.

"Very well. Perhaps I _am_ being a bit... silly, I suppose. I still think there is room for questioning, but for the time being, I may as well take MC at his word. So be it."

Monika returned to her desk and sat down, vaguely motioning for MC to sit down with a wave of her hand. Still confused and upset by the events of just moments ago, MC looked around bewilderedly, his gaze meeting mine for just a moment before he looked away awkwardly and decided to just sit down at a random desk.

And so, with that, the silence returned. And with silence, came the itch - the burning desire that I couldn't satiate with anything but the edge of a blade.

...when does this period end?


	14. An Open Japan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I read an interesting letter.

There are only two things you need to know about my Papa: he likes to drink, and he _really_ doesn't like it when something happens he doesn't explicitly approve of. In fact, he gets _really_ pissed when his expectations aren't lived up to - er, rather, when gets pissed when something he drunkely decided he didn't like, happened. But he's also a stubborn guy, so even when he's sober, he still doubles down on what he said when he was drunk. I guess in a way he lives up to his word, if that can be said to be a good thing in this context? I mean, I dunno if he lives up to _all_ of his word... just with me. From some of the letters under the door, it does seem like he hasn't exactly lived up to his word in terms of house payments, but... ugh, that I _really_ hate thinking about. Whatever, let's think of something else, alright? Like, uhh... fuckin' uuuhh... Parfait Girls!! That's right, I got the new volume recently, which is actually pretty awesome! I haven't started it yet, but I probably should soon. Soon as in now - I mean, Papa isn't home, so I have all the time in the world.

I got up from my bed, going over to my closet. I opened the door and shuffled through some old shirts and stuff on the floor before I came upon a little tear in the rug (yes my rug floor continues into my closet). I pulled on the little tear, opening up a rectangle in the carpet and revealing a loose floor board. I removed the floor board, and lo and behold... my manga stash! Papa hates this stuff, I believe he called it "stupid kid shit," so he forbids me from having it. But I gotta have at least this, right? I gotta have at least one thing I'm in control of... and so, I keep most of my manga under the floorboards. I also keep some in the club room closet, since a high-up shelf in a scarcely-used room is a pretty good hiding spot, and it has the bonus of Papa not being there. Somehow I doubt Papa will ever go rummaging through my closet and dig up my manga collection from the floorboard, but still... it's a worry that will never go away, so at least I have a backup plan.

Anyway, ignoring all that, I pulled Parfait Girls vol. 11 up from my stash. Since I can't read each chapter on release, I have to wait for the new volumes to release to figure out what happens next in the story, which takes a long-ass time... really, it's annoying, but I don't feel like going to the bookstore every week and trying to... er... well... ugh, there's no way around it. I'm a thief, okay? Obviously I can't pay for manga, so around when the new volume of Parfait Girls drops, I go up to the bookstore and steal it. God, as if I wasn't terrible enough, I was _also_ a serial shoplifter. I'm lucky I hadn't been caught, but... as much as I loved reading Parfait Girls, and as excited as I was every time I got my hands on a new volume, it still felt like sort of a hollow victory. What had I succeeded in? I'd gotten the new volume, but at what cost? I'd become a leech off society, more than I already was. I'd love to support Ishiwara-sensei (the mangaka of Parfait Girls, if you were wondering), but I just couldn't... maybe one day I'd be able to donate enough money to make up for all the volumes I'd stolen. Heh, now that's a pipe dream if I've ever heard one... me? Paying for something? As if I could ever afford to do that... I probably wouldn't even live to have an actual income. Just like a leech, I'll just shrivel up and die when I can't feed off my host anymore...

I opened up to the first page of the volume. It was adorned with a flowery border around the edges, and within was contained Ishiwara-sensei's "letter to the fans" - it was a tradition he'd started a while back, starting every volume off with a letter to his fans. I honestly looked forward to reading it with every volume - I really admired Ishiwara-sensei, I thought he was a very nice man who I had a bit in common with. Not a lot, but just a bit... I mean, he's said multiple times that his motivation for writing Parfait Girls is that he just likes cute things. That's admirable, isn't it? A man with a passion for cute stuff, and so he writes the cutest manga in the world every week... what a life! Anyway, I'm excited to see what Ishiwara-sensei has in store for us this volume!

* * *

" _To my beloved fans,_

_"Hello. My name is Ryunosuke Ishiwara, though many of you may know me as Ishiwara-sensei. Ever since I was a little boy, I've loved cute things; for those of you who have read my previous letters, you may already know all this. But I consider it important to go over._

_"Other boys would mock me for playing with 'girly toys,' and even my own parents would try and encourage me to play with something else. But that didn't matter to me, and it never has; I don't think that toys have gender. In the west this idea is becoming more openly discussed - that children can grow up however they want, and needn't be forced into societal categories. I wish for a Japan in which this idea is generally accepted. But unfortunately, Japan is not a very open society - as compassionate and lovely as its people may be, I cannot help but frown as I think of what its society shuns._

_"To the patriotic reader, let me assure you - I love Japan. I am happy and fortunate to be born in such a country. It is through that love that I try and make change to a nation that needs it. I hope that both boys and girls can love_ Parfait Girls _. It's a series I write for everyone to enjoy, of any demographic._

_"Now, to the average reader, you may be questioning - 'Ishiwara-sensei, why are you discussing such serious topics? I just want to read the manga!' Well, my beloved fan, I consider this letter to be an important one. It's one I've been considering writing for about a year now, but only in this moment have I summoned the courage to decide and pick up my pen, and act on my feelings. In my mission to create an open Japan, I must speak up - not just about the issues in this country, but myself. To create a more open Japan, we must all be willing to take the first steps: to be open about how you're feeling, and to listen to those who are being more open, to not shun them. I must practice my beliefs, I must act on my feelings. My heart pounds, dear reader, as I write this - I know it may cause an uproar among some, but it is too important that I say this for me to give in to the pressure placed upon me by those who would rather keep Japan a closed nation that does not change._

_"I, Ryunosuke Ishiwara, am gay._

_"I hope that my readers do not take too much objection to this. I do not mean to 'betray' any of you. I simply feel the way I feel, and if any of you refuse to accept it, then I do apologize sincerely. But regardless of that, I hope you can continue to read and enjoy_ Parfait Girls _. Perhaps, with time, you may change your mind. It may seem strange, but I promise you, I am just like anyone else. I have my merits, and indeed my flaws. I am gay, but I am still human, the same as you._

_"To the reader who understands me, who may even feel the same - I am thankful for your acceptance. Indeed I am thankful to all my readers for their continued support, and even their criticism which helps make me a better mangaka, but I want to reach out to those who feel the same as me, who may be questioning whether or not they feel the same as me: I want you to help me create a more open Japan. I want you to be honest with yourself and those around you. You may be fearful of what friends, neighbors, coworkers, parents, siblings, even children may say, how they may feel, but if they truly feel compassion towards you, they may reconsider the way they think. My own mother could not accept it when I told her, but she has since changed her way of thinking. I hope that you can have the same confidence I had, and that you will help me create a more open society. I will not try to make you - after all, it's truly up to you who you tell. But please at least consider my words._

_"Ah, before I leave you, a word - if all this sounds a bit disjointed, it's because I have not permitted my editors to make alterations to this letter: it is simply my unfiltered thoughts. They would never let such a section as this, where I directly address the reader in such a jarring fashion, make it into the final draft._

_"Now, letters can only be so long, so I'd like to leave you with a final word: I understand some of you will no longer support my work upon hearing this, and while it may be disappointing, I do hope you can come around to accept me for who I am. And to those who don't want to hear about this, who simply want to get on and read the manga, I apologize to you - I simply thought it was important to get this out._

_"Thank you, to all of you. Thank you to those who take my words to heart and be more open about themselves; thank you to those who are willing to continue supporting me; and thank you to all those who have supported me up to this point. I hope you can continue to enjoy_ Parfait Girls _; in truth, while thinking about coming has weighed heavily on me, it hasn't affected my ability to write manga at all. Indeed, writing manga is perhaps the thing I enjoy most, so even during stressful times I can relax and enjoy myself while providing for my readers._

_"I, however, have gone on for too long; thank you for supporting me, and I dearly hope you will also be reading my next letter when it comes out. Thank you, and enjoy your day."_

_\- Ryunosuke Ishiwara_

* * *

Huuph... huuph...

I felt like I was gonna cry. He... he poured his soul into this letter, I could feel it... his nervousness as he addressed his fans who he knew wouldn't want to continue supporting him, his disjointed thoughts as he tried to address everyone, making sure nobody felt left out... I could practically feel his heart beating in his chest as he wrote down that important line - _I am gay._ It's a line he knew would result in his rejection from many of those around him - even his own mother rejected him at first! I felt, too, his passion for creating an "open Japan." He wants people like him to be more accepted by the general public, for it to not be a scandal when someone gets "exposed" as gay. This man... Ishiwara-sensei...

I love this man!! Er, n-not in _that_ way, obviously. But he's such an inspiration for all manga lovers! In my wildest fantasy, I'd probably be pretty similar to him - writing manga for a living, inspiring other people to do the same... Ishiwara-sensei is the best!! And so is his manga!!

Damn, I'd been so focused on his letter that I'd hardly even thought about the story itself... what was going on at the end of the last volume? Ehh, I'll have to reread some of that before I dive into this volume... I mean, I'd never _dare_ forget the plot of Parfait Girls - a megafan like me could _never_ \- and I even reread the volumes I have while I wait for the new one to come out, but I was just so focused on Ishiwara-sensei's letter tha-

_THUD._

My heart practically stopped. I shut the volume closed and hastily shoved it back into the stash, covering it with the floorboard and the rug and all the clothes and shutting the closet tightly closed. My stopped heart restarted, now pounding against my ribcage like a jackhammer, sweat forming at my brow now as my breathing hastened. F-Fuck... papa was home... that loud, booming _thud_ was the sound of the front door slamming shut behind him. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... k-keep it together Natsuki... if you don't make a sound he won't bother coming to check on you... w-wait, had I already made a sound? Did I close my closet too hard? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... o-oh god... what if he comes up here after hearing that? He won't be happy... what if he checks my closet to see what I'm hiding? What if he rummages through all the clothes and tears up the carpet and the floorboard and finds all my manga? He'll be pissed... he'll beat the shit out of me and throw all my manga away, and then I'll have nothing left... he'll control every part of my life and I'll end up either withering away or killing myself... god god god please no, I know I don't fucking deserve anything but please, I can't handle having everything being torn away from me, I won't fucking be able to go on anymore... I swear I'll just fucking die...

_Creak._

No, that wasn't the creak of a door opening, or a squeaky floorboard. That's a creak of a large man resting in an old sofa, coming all the way from downstairs... he... augh... h-he probably just went to get a beer, and immediately sat down. I-I... I'm safe... h-he didn't hear anything...

But the damage to my psyche had already been done. I was more than ready to cry, there were tears forming at the corner of my eyes, and I was much too afraid to take the risk of trying to read the manga again... I'd have to wait until tomorrow or something... so I just stood myself up and threw myself on my bed, burying my face in a pillow and trying to cry as quietly as I could.

I stayed there for a while - I don't know exactly how long, how would I know that? Do you expect me count every second? I might've even fallen asleep at some point, I don't really know... but I got back up at some point later, and it was dark outside. Faintly, I listened for Papa's snoring... yep, he was a sleep. That meant it was the safest time to try and go downstairs... but simultaneously the most dangerous. It was safe because, well... he's asleep, he can't hurt me. But it's dangerous because he gets extra pissed if I accidentally wake him up. High risk, high reward? I guess if you count scraps of leftovers as a "high reward," then sure. It might as well be for me though, since it's one of the few things I get to eat. So, I gotta suck it up and head downstairs...

Carefully, I slowly and gently open the door - it never squeaks because I make sure the hinges are well-oiled. Good on you, Nats. Anyway, I kept going along, slowly to make sure I didn't make an audible sound... Papa wasn't a light sleeper by any stretch, but I'm not exactly gonna go out of my way to take the risk of waking him up. I have to be careful not to make even a single sound, no matter how minute it is...

This maxim (that word probably doesn't work there but whatever) I followed all the way downstairs. It took me forever to get down there, but at least I got down without waking him up... as soon as I got down, I looked over to the kitchen - only the big overhead light was on, which was plenty for me to notice some used food containers. Jackpot, he brought leftovers home!! I mean, I didn't have a clue how much was actually left, but the fact that there was any left was a good sign for me. I crept up to it, peering over the edge of the counter to look in the containers... looks like he left a bit of ramen. I didn't care where he got it, what style it was, how much was left - I was fucking _starving_. I grabbed the cup eagerly, not even using chopsticks to eagerly slurp it up, swallowing it down in seconds. Still hungry, I looked around for more food. I found some rice, a bit of chicken, even a tiny bit of a hamburger, strangely. But it didn't matter to me - I ate it all down, bit by bit. Soon enough, of course, there was nothing left. I sighed as I looked around... there wasn't a ton there, but it was enough to at least slightly satisfy my hunger. I stepped around here and there, peering over the couch to see if Papa had any more food by him. But alas, nothing...

_Snort._

W-What?! WHAT!?! Oh god, oh fuck, t-that... that's Papa... h-he's waking up...!! I-I didn't even do anything, fuck fuck fuck fuck! W-What am I gonna do?! G-God, fuck, Nats, think, aaah fuck fuck fuck FUCK!! I have only a few seconds to act, so I gotta do something... I can't get upstairs, I don't have enough time... f-fuck... I can barely think... w-what the fuck am I gonna do?! S-Should I just stand here?! B-But I can't, i-if he sees me here as soon as he wakes up h-he's gonna beat the shit out of me... a-aahh, f-fuck, I-I can't I-I... I... i-if... f-fucking, u-uuhhh... fuck... if I.... i-if I can't run, I-I can... t-then... t-then I can... I...

I-I can hide!

I hadn't though of that before - I mean, normally I wasn't in a situation where that was a viable option, s-so I guess it makes sense that I'd never thought of that... f-fuck, Nats, why are you still dawdling around like a fucking moron?! Move, Nats, move!!

I jolt to action, crawling in the small space between the couch and the wall, praying he didn't notice me or any of the movement I made. I could hear him grumble something as he awoke.

"Ngh..." He groaned. He paused for a moment. "Are they still talking about this shit...?"

What...? I wasn't paying attention to the TV earlier, since it was pretty quiet and I was more focused on eating, but I took a sec to listen in to what it was saying...

"...gaka Ryunosuke Ishiwara addressed his fans in a letter of the latest volume of his famous manga, _Parfait Girls_. In the letter, referred to by some as a 'manifesto' and by others as a 'coming out' letter, Ishiwara came out as a homosexual and called for a quote, 'open Japan,' in which people are more freely able to express themselves. Despite the innocuous nature of his manga, Ishiwara's words have received backlash from conservative parents across the country, who-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP," Papa yelled, slamming down on the remote and making me shudder in my place. "God fuckin' damn, they just fuckin' _never_ shut up about this fuckin' faggy shit, do they?!" He ranted to himself. "If those fuckers wanna do whatever shit they wanna do in their own fuckin' bedroom, what the fuck ever. But _I_ don't wanna fuckin' hear about it! God fuckin' damn it!"

He grunted as he lifted himself from the couch. I could hear him scratch his beard or his ass or something, and he burped.

"Fuck, I gotta take a shit..." He mumbled, stumbling off, every step making the house rumble. Shaking, I quickly darted out from behind the couch and back up the stairs, carefully closing the door behind me and wrapping myself in the covers of my bed.

I just wanna go to sleep. I never wanna have to do that again. I never ever ever wanna go downstairs again, it's just too scary... P-Papa was really mad when he heard that Ishiwara-sensei was gay... I mean, I guess it doesn't entirely surprise me, b-but still... i-it was terrifying. I can only imagine how he would feel if someone he knew was gay... if _I_ was gay... good thing I'm not, I guess.

After a bit of calming myself down, I grabbed my phone from my night stand looked at it. One new text from... Sayori.

My heart stopped again. I'd been through enough heartache for one night... I closed my phone out just as quickly as I'd opened it and left it charge, drifting off into an uneasy sleep.


	15. "Friendship"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I make an important visit.

I never really expect to find anything worthwhile when I look idly down at my phone. What is there to look at? I don't have an especially large presence on social media, and because I most often look at it in class, I seldom have time to do anything worthwhile like read an article or some online poetry or anything like that. And it's not as though anyone texts me... I have a few contacts in my phone, but I hardly have any reason to interact with them. I only text my mother or father when necessary, Natsuki would never message me for obvious reasons, Monika only messages me updates about club plans (very few of which are ever acted upon), and Sayori... well, she's in the hospital at the moment. Come to think of it, I don't have Masaaki's - er, MC's - phone number. Being that I don't want to look as though I'm advancing on him, I'd rather not go out of my ask to ask for it... I suppose he'll probably ask to exchange numbers at some point, or Monika will arrange something. Or it will never happen, which is an eventuality I had no qualms with either - he seems like a perfectly fine boy, but I can't say I'm well-acquainted with getting to know new people - well, really, I'm not acquainted with getting to know _anyone_. I only know what's said around me - Natsuki likes manga, Monika's family is wealthy, Sayori loves sweets. Basic information you could pick up just by eavesdropping. That being the way it is, it does bewilder me why exactly Monika, Sayori, and Natsuki ever bothered getting my phone number to begin with... I remember when I first hesitantly logged them into my phone contacts. And all the days after...

Natsuki never sent me a message. I never expected her too, and I certainly don't expect her too now. From what I know, she doesn't seem very sociable, and trying to message someone who she only knows by name doesn't seem very... _in-character_ of her. The only way I could imagine her messaging me now is to deliver some sort of hate message - "Yuri, you ruined my life!" "Yuri, I hate you!" "Yuri, go fucking kill yourself!" Of course, she never actually _had_ , but if she did, I'd completely understand even agree with her. I dwell on this topic very often, but... it's true. I created unnecessary despair for her in a time when she was already suffering, all for my own sick, twisted pleasure. I may've put those days behind me, but I can never move past them. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it, after all...

Monika's messages to me are infrequent and usually inconsequential. She had a habit of sending me "fun facts" every so often, but she has since ceased that practice. Her "fun facts" were usually very odd... she once sent me the story of Guy Fawkes' execution, which was a quite morbid non-sequitur to spring on someone without cause... I suppose I can't complain _too_ much, considering that much of the literature I read contains morbid themes, but still, it's an odd thing to spring on someone... beyond that, she tends to send me updates on club activities, though those don't usually amount to being of much importance. For example, she once told me that we each had to write a short story, about one page, to review in class the next week... I stressed over it for days, working and trying to perfect my story - which usually meant taking out elements I thought might make the other club members uncomfortable or otherwise "weirded out," but when the time came to review our short stories, Monika said nothing of them. _I_ certainly never went out of my way to bring them up, nor did anyone else, so it all ended up feeling like wasted misery... I didn't even like the story I came up with, I felt it was too underdeveloped in several aspects, that I didn't explore the concepts it introduced thoroughly enough. But I suppose those are the limitations that come when one isn't writing _truly_ freely...

Sayori messaged me a good deal, though obviously her messages have since died down in frequency... really, said frequency decreased just after winter break started, and eventually they just stopped coming altogether. The nature of Sayori's messages... well, they often felt like attempted conversation starters. It really felt like she was trying to be my friend, and I... I failed her. It's not as though I was intentionally shutting her out or anything, I just... I... I didn't know what to do, how to act. I'd never really _had_ a friend before, and I didn't know enough about Sayori to try and engage in conversation with her... I would always give her a response, but it would be a short one, and it would come after minutes of deliberating on what to say and how to say it, only for my efforts to come up wasted as I ended up just saying nothing of substance. It made me feel as though I were letting her down, as though she felt I was trying to shirk her off or ignore her, when really it was because of my own shortcomings as a person. I know I'd already concluded that my awkwardness likely wasn't a big enough part of her life to make such an impact on her decision to make an attempt on her own life, but still, I can't imagine it exactly played a positive role... I don't exactly know what she went through, but if my incompetence played a role in making her feel isolated or unwanted, then I... I... I don't know what I'd do. What would she even want me to do? How much does she think of me?

That... that's a stupid question. Why should I assume she thinks of me at all? Surely she has much more pressing issues at hand. Furthermore, I make up only a small part of her life - I'm just some girl she knows from the literature club, one who barely talks to anyone. Surely Monika or Natsuki are much more present in her mind, since they actually interact with her, rather than recoiling into a corner of loneliness and isolation like moi. I'm making myself out to be a much bigger role in her life than I am... but still, I cannot totally absolve myself of guilt. I'm in the unfortunate zone of having enough impact to make her feel more alone, but not enough impact to actually be an important part of her life... if you will, it is the opposite of a goldilocks zone, if that analogy works.

The sound of the bell going off awoke me from my thought-induced trance, and I noticed that I was circling my thumb around the home button on my phone. Idle motion like that is better than scratching at my arms, I suppose, so I don't mind it. However, I wonder... who saw that? I may be at the back of this classroom, but I wonder if any wandering eyes looked back and here and saw me staring at my phone, a dead look in my eyes, my thumb idly circling around... I must've looked like an idiot, no? Like I wasn't fully _there_ , if that makes sense... p-perhaps I'm placing too much importance on myself again. I tend to do that... I was doing it with Sayori just earlier, when I assumed that my lack of interaction with her majorly contributed to her attempt. That sort of thought is farcical, and it's best to see the situation for how it is...

I stood up to leave the room, slinging my bag over my shoulder, and drilled into my mind exactly _how_ the situation was: I am a useless person. I do not contribute anything positive to the world or people around me. I do not have any friends, nor anyone who thinks positively of me (bar my parents, that is). I am nobody's reason to live, and my own reason to live is simply because I have never truly felt like killing myself. I am disconnected from society; were I to disappear, the impact would be minimal. I am not a valuable person, in fact I am the opposite: I am a dredge on society.

With that set in mind, I went on to go to the literature club, for no doubt another miserable day, as all days had been since MC revealed to us Sayori's attempt. I don't want to blame him for being the bearer of bad news, but it does seem a general aura of unpleasantness comes when he walks in the room... Monika's suspicions were completely unfounded, but it seems Natsuki just doesn't like him anyway. I feel bad for him... he's joined the club to try and help his childhood friend, but she's not returned to school yet, and so he is trapped in a club with two girls who despise him and one who won't talk to him, or indeed anyone else. It is this uncomfortable atmosphere that has made me dread coming to the literature club ever since. It's unfortunate, really... despite all the woes that often come from it, I actually quite like the literature club. It's a relaxing atmosphere where I can simply sit in the corner and read, or reflect on the day. There may be the odd activity or fight with Natsuki, but still, I overall enjoy it. But poor MC's suffering seems to have seeped into the club itself... it must be hard for him. I don't know exactly how involved he's been with this whole situation, but it certainly seems he has a stake in it. He almost broke down into tears when Monika was accusing him of lying, so I don't doubt that he's being genuine... the poor boy must've gone through a lot of stress recently.

"Y-Yuri?" I heard a boy's voice call for me. I turned around to see that it was none other than MC. Speak of the devil, I suppose... though, why did the devil wish to speak to me? Ah, perhaps it is rude to continue referring to MC as the devil... I know it's a common expression, through which harm or malicious intent is rarely conveyed, but still, perhaps referring to him as "the devil" in such a casual manner is... rude, somehow.

"MC?" I asked, pushing my irrelevant thoughts to the side and turning to face him. However, I found myself having to look down to meet his eye level... I often regret my height, purely because of the social situations it puts me in, such as this one. And indeed, it makes me very noticeable, a fact that runs contrary to my goal of being noticed as little as possible... furthermore, I can hardly imagine it contributes positively to MC's self-esteem, for a girl to be so much taller than him.

"Ah, I'm glad I caught you before club... uh, can we talk a little more privately?" He asked, his hands in his pockets as he glances down to the side nervously. He looked around, shrugging as though gesturing for me to look at all the students in the hallway around us. Being that we weren't far from the club room, the crowd had already dwindled, with most of the students having left this area already. Still, it wouldn't exactly be difficult for a would-be eavesdropper to listen in on whatever MC wanted to tell me - which, he made it seem, was confidential information.

This, of course, left me curious as to what exactly he wanted to tell me... we didn't exactly have much in common, nor did we know one another all that well, and I can't imagine he'd wish to talk to me _specifically_ in private simply to strike up a casual conversation, so... what was this about? The only thing we had between us was our mutual friend (if one could even accurately refer to me as Sayori's "friend"), so... what is about that?

"A-Ah... s-sure..." I stuttered. My nervousness was showing - well, I was almost always nervous, and certainly I was nervous when interacting with another person, especially one I'm largely unfamiliar with. But I was especially nervous because that's the effect this sort of situation had on me... someone telling me "we have to talk," without any information on what we have to talk _about_ , is a stressful situation, and countless possibilities of what he could possibly want to say run through my mind.

Having led me to an empty classroom, with nobody visible in the hallway, MC closed the door behind him and looked over at me as I sat on a desk, impatiently awaiting his word.

"So, uh... Sayori wants to talk to you."

That did little to calm my nerves. I'd spent much time stressing over what Sayori thought of me, what she _would_ think of me if she knew all the horrible things about me, and now she wants to talk to me? What could she possibly have to say?

"Oh... d-does she?" I asked.

MC nodded. "Yup. She wants you to visit her at the hospital, whenever is next convenient for you."

"Ahmn... w-well, uhmn... I-I suppose any time is c-convenient for me... I-I d-don't exactly have a b-busy schedule..." I remarked.

MC nodded again. "Well, would you like to visit her today then? Or tomorrow?"

"A-Ah, I-I.. I-I don't know, whenever she prefers..."

"Well, she prefers as early as possible... if your parents don't mind you making an unexpected change of plans, we could visit just after school."

I considered the possibility... whenever I stayed out, it wasn't of much concern to my parents. They weren't fools, they knew how socially isolated I was (and indeed they'd made many an attempt to get me to interact with others more, all to no avail), so they never suspected I was secretly partying or whatever other unhealthy habits parents may fear of their teenagers... to them, I simply did get lost in a book at the library every so often. Usually when I was out late, it was either because I genuinely _was_ reading in the library, or because I had a depressive episode and couldn't muster the strength to go home. The night Natsuki confronted me comes to mind - the night I, myself, had pondered suicide. That, of course, was something I could never tell Sayori about...

Though, perhaps I should... of course, I'd never intended to tell anyone the horrible deeds I'd done relating to Natsuki, and the surrounding mental state. But with Sayori... perhaps I should be more honest with her. Perhaps she somehow deserves to know how horrible I truly am...

Ah, what am I thinking? I could never tell her - not her, nor anyone else.

"T-That won't be a problem..." I told MC. "I can come tonight, then... u-uhmn... s-should I come as is, o-or...?"

"I doubt Sayori minds either way. You can come in your uniform or you can change, just let me know which you end up choosing so I can let Sayori know whether to expect you sooner or later."

"Mhmn," I agreed. "T-Though, uhmn... I-I don't have y-your contact..."

"Oh, yeah, right... well, er... might as well trade info now, I guess," MC remarked, pulling his phone from his pocket and opening up his contacts. I did the same, and we exchanged phone numbers... it's funny, just earlier I'd been thinking about my phone contacts with Natsuki, Monika, and Sayori, and now I was getting MC's information. Quite the coincidence, that is...

"Well, uh, just text me when you're heading over, I guess. That's all I really needed to say, so uh... let's get to club, I guess."

I nodded, following him as he opened the door and led us out. I was doing my best to ignore my beating heart, my flushed face... Sayori...

How am I going to address her? After all she's been through, and my inaction throughout all of it, and my own musings on the situation, I... I don't know what I'm going to say, or how I'm going to phrase it. I, I-I... I'm going to look like such an idiot, aren't I...? I'm going to stutter and stumble over my words, perhaps even say something I don't mean and end up making the situation worse... after all she's been through, I'm going to ruin her day even further like this? Not to mention the fact that I don't even know how to _begin_ addressing someone who has attempted suicide since the last time we spoke... I don't know why she even wants to talk to me in particular, over anyone else... surely, she must have a closer connection to Monika or Natsuki?

But... I suppose none of that matters. Sayori chose to speak to me, and I will not deny her that wish... no matter what comes, no matter what a fool I make of myself, no matter what stupid things I say to her, I must go on. I suppose I'll have to improvise... perhaps that was the best option all along. It must've been rather conniving for me to attempt to think up a narrative to push on her before I even met with her, no? To try and deceive her with a false narrative to make myself look better... how horrible I truly am.

Clearing my throat, I looked down at MC. Noticing my gaze (though it came as more of a nervous glance), he looked back up at me. "What is it?"

I took a deep breath. "I... I'll be there at around 5pm today, i-if that's acceptable."

MC nodded. "Sure, I'll text Sayori soon enough."

I nodded back. Well... to put it into a short phrase, "here goes nothing."

* * *

Despite all the wounds I endure on a regular basis, the vast majority of which are self-inflicted, I've actually only rarely been to the hospital, and certainly not after I started cutting. If anything, I generally made sure to keep myself as far away from the hospital as I could. Few things terrified me more than the prospect of my habit being discovered by a hospital worker, for the information would certainly work its way to my parents, and that... that was a possibility which terrified me more than anything.

But I am merely a visitor to this hospital today - the staff should have no reason to check my arms, or to roll up my sleeves at all, or to check on me in general. I'll be fine, I just have to keep myself from panicking... that's all.

I took one last deep breath as I looked up at the hospital door, before I opened it and pushed on through. MC had texted me Sayori's room number, so immediately I went on forward, looking for numbers on the wall as soon as I walked in.

"Excuse me ma'am," A voice suddenly said, blocking me. I jumped back in surprise as I looked down at the nurse who stopped me.

"A-Ah, u-uhmn... y-y-yes...?" I stuttered nervously. What could she want? Does she think I'm a patient? Does she want me to put on one of those hospital bands they put around your wrist? Does she need me to pull up my sleeves for that, so she can see my arm and expose the secret I've kept for so long, so she can tell me parents and have me shipped off to some mental hospital where they'll keep me sedated with all sorts of horrible drugs that will destabilize my mental state and ruin my brain so that I'm no longer capable of comprehending or enjoying my favorite authors, leaving me in a worse state than I was before and eventually leading to my already inevitable suicide? Is that what she wants to do?!

"Can I ask for the purpose of your visit?" She asked.

The tension in my mind was still wound up, her actual questions doing very little to sooth the anxiety I'd built up. It's a fairly innocuous question, the sort of one you might expect to hear as you enter a hospital, but still... its consequences could be disastrous...

She could probably tell how nervous I was - anyone could, just by looking at me. I could feel my face flushing, sweat culminating at my brow, and... was I shaking? I wasn't sure... this was a bad moment for this sort of nervous breakdown, she'd hardly even spoken to me and I'd already broken out into a nervous sweat. What if she asked what was wrong? What if she tried to take me to a hospital room? What if she rolled up my sleeve for an IV? Every second I was standing here, nervously sputtering out an answer, made the worst-case scenario more likely... j-just answer the question, Yuri...

"A-Ah... I-I'm j-j-just here to v-v-visit a f-friend... I-I-I'm l-looking f-for... uhmn... r-room... r-r-room 118..."

"Oh yes, you must be... uhmn..." The nurse looked down at her clipboard, flipping through a few pages before she came across what she was looking for. "Yuri Seomun?"

I nodded, but internally I was having a meltdown. My name was logged into the hospital records... even if it wasn't because I was a patient, even if it was for some innocuous, unrelated reason, it... it must have _some_ sort of possibly negative outcome for me... even if I can't conceive it at the moment, it must exist somehow. There have been plenty of moments where some seemingly-innocuous detail eventually spiraled into disaster...

"Alright, I'll take you right there. Follow me," She commanded, walking off down the hall. Panicking to catch up, I ran up just behind her and followed closely, trying to stay relatively hidden among the hospital hallway... it was horrible - patients were being cared for in the hall, their injuries often exposed. Every so often a cracked-open door would reveal a hint of something going on within the room... why on Earth is the suicide ward so close to the injury ward?! I-Is that how hospitals work...? Are there suicide wards? I-I'm remarking on things I know too little of to say anything intelligent about... I should relegate my comments to a minimum...

After a short walk down the hall, and after a few turns, the nurse gestured to the door number in front of me - 118. Sayori's room.

"Here's room 118," She said flatly, leaving to go deal with whatever other responsibilities nurses had to attend to... she left before I even had the opportunity to nod in thanks, but I suppose it would mean little to her in the end anyway.

I looked at the room number nervously... really, this whole trip has been very bad for my heart, and I'd hardly been here a few minutes. If I couldn't handle the anxiety of speaking to a nurse, or even _thinking_ about Sayori, how was I going to handle actually _talking_ to her...?

Taking a deep breath, I took a moment to observe my surroundings... this part of the hallway was quiet, save for the dim bustling noises coming from echoing in the hospital, and the odd beep from some sort of hospital equipment. There was a bench directly to the right of the door, one that no doubt MC or Sayori's parents had spent a good deal of time sitting on, pondering the situation or even crying. There was a trash can against the wall to my left, not notable in any way... so, too, was there a clock hung on that wall. The fluorescent white lighting with a slight bluish-green tint felt very medical, very... like a hospital, as one might expect. The door itself was a double-door, with two "windows" that really didn't show anything through their mostly opaque white glass, through which one could barely make out even vague shadows on the other side. I, myself, could not make out anything through the "windows" in the door... though I knew there would be at least one person there, likely laying in bed or sitting in a chair or doing some idle task, whatever it is she does... and I had no choice but to face her, as unprepared as I was.

And so, I took the first step - I pushed open the door, behind which sat Sayori.

She was sitting in a chair on the right of the room, dressed in a very minimal, casual outfit - a plain white t-shirt, about a size too big for her, a pair of black shorts, and white socks that ran about halfway up her calf. Around her neck was wrapped a few bandages, an obvious reminder of why she was here and a physical clue as to exactly _how_ she made that attempt on her life... not that I should be worrying about such a thing, not unless she explicitly tells me. Honestly... how much of a degenerate do I have to be to start thinking about how she attempted suicide as soon as I see her? Not even a question for her well-being? Disgusting, truly...

"Oh, she's here," MC said, smiling at her. MC sat across from her in a smaller metal fold-up chair, without any of the cushioning or support Sayori's chair had. He was dressed... uniquely, shall we say. I could see little of his undershirt, for most of his body was covered in a long coat that looked as though it fit a 19th century European general more than a 21st century teenage boy. It was varying shades of gray all throughout, and was adorned with various silver buttons in strategic places. His shoes, too, seemed to fit that aesthetic... I suppose he was simply committed to his sense of fashion, for which I must hold a level of respect.

"Yuri," Sayori said, smiling gently at me. I knew she wouldn't be the same happy-go-lucky person she was before, but... still, it was jarring to see her like this. She didn't seem to have any energy behind her actions, as though she were simply acting for the benefit of everyone else rather than herself. I can't say I've ever felt like that before... though I had never been clinically diagnosed with depression, given my... _habit_ , and just the general way I think of myself, it could be easily inferred. Though, I've always doubted it... after all, the way I think of myself is often accurate. Not to metaphorically beat a dead horse, but the situation with Natsuki is a prime example - I think of myself as a causer of misery, an evil force in her life, an assessment which is accurate to the situation given all the pain I've caused her. As for my habit... that feels unrelated to "depression" to me. It's just... something I do, something that brings me a sort of pleasured satisfaction and aids me in the process of handling stress. So, while the uninformed observer may conclude that I indeed suffer some form of depression, I'd beg to differ with them - while there is no doubting that I am a troubled person (to say the least of the matter), to say that I have _depress_ _ion_ is a bit much, especially considering what Sayori had been through...

Sayori didn't seem anything like me. I'd never acted to please others, nor did I gain any sort of twisted sense of satisfaction when others felt happiness at my expense. It may be presumptuous to assume that was how Sayori felt, but given what little I know of the situation, and my prior experiences with Sayori, that conclusion does not seem too terribly unrealistic. But I suppose, being that she's right here in front of me, there is no better time to learn the truth than now.

I stepped forward, taking note of the room - by all measures, it was but a standard hospital room. To the far left of the room was Sayori's bed, its left pressed against the side wall and its head pressed against the back wall. Clearly this was not an operating room, for the placement of the bed left little room for would-be operators to come in from the opposite side. This room, then, must specifically be to house mentally suffering patients... I was unaware this hospital had such accommodations.

As I pressed on forward into the room, step by step, MC stood up from his chair, smiling at Sayori and I.

"Ah, well, I guess I'll let you two talk in private... I'll be just outside, so if you need something, just yell," He said. His demeanor was... different, somehow. I couldn't tell whether he seemed more or less at ease than at school... either he felt more comfortable around Sayori, his friend who he had known for so long (specifically he described her as his "old friend"), or the stress of almost losing his friend and the pressure of watching over her had been getting to him. Either way, he hurried out the room, looking a bit shaky as he did so... the poor boy must be suffering. I wager my latter conclusion would appear to be the more accurate one... still, he put on a smile for Sayori. Perhaps I ought to put in the same effort he does...

Sayori continued to smile at me, the bags under her eyes and the general lack of energy making the smile seem like more of a courtesy than a genuine show of happiness. I avoided her gaze, looking to my feet and occasionally glancing up at her face as I spoke.

"H-Hello... S-S-Sayori... u-uhmn... y-you wanted to s-speak to me...?" I asked, sitting down on the chair, my eyes shifting from my feet to my lap to accommodate the change in position.

Sayori nodded. "...yes," She said, quietly and lethargically, her voice almost sounding raspy. The water bottle next to her looked half-empty, so I can't imagine she was dehydrated... still, it may've been a while since her last sip.

We sat in silence for a moment, myself unsure of how to continue the conversation, before Sayori spoke up again.

"I... wanted to apologize," Sayori said, her head now dropping down to look at her own lap. I, in turn, perked my head up to look at her now, feeling more comfortable doing so now that her eyes were not so intently focused on me.

"A-Apologize... w-whatever for...?" I asked. I realized after that my wording may've sounded sarcastic, but I do mean it genuinely... I don't know what she could be apologizing for; she hadn't done anything wrong, after all.

"For... well, I... I'm sorry for trying to be your friend, that's all," Sayori said.

My posture, once stiff, now sunk into a slumped-over position of dread and regret. So... my suspicions _were_ correct. I _had_ made some sort of impact... I _had_ contributed to making her feel more isolated and lonely... I _had_ offended her with my inaction...

I sighed. "S-Sayori... I-I... y... I-I... I-I'm sorry for... f-for not being your friend..."

She shook her head. "You don't have to apologize. It was my fault for trying to force something between us, something that you just weren't interested in. I... I just felt like... like I... like I _had_ to. Like if you, or anyone else, didn't like me, that it would prove something about myself that I've known for a really long time now... I..."

"That's not it," I interrupted. Sayori finally looked back up at me, our gazes meeting for the first time - for the first _real_ time. But unable to handle the pressure, I diverted my eyes elsewhere... still, I continued to speak.

"I-I... uhmn... I-I... I wanted t-to... t-to be your friend..."

"No..." Sayori said, quietly.

"No, I-I... I did. I-I... I'm sorry I couldn't, I-I just... I... I-I didn't know what to say... I-I never do... I have no idea how to talk to anyone... I-I... I'm sorry for isolating you... in the moment you needed me, I... I couldn't provide for you. I'm not worthy to be your friend... y-you deserve more than me..."

Sayori shook her head. "You're just saying that."

I shook mine. "N-No, I... I-I mean it... I-I'm sorry..."

"...why would you ever want to be my friend?" She asked, tears welling at the corner of her eyes. "I-I... a-all I do is yell and bounce and lie to myself and everyone else... b-because inside, all I ever think about is h-h... uch... h-h-h... h-how much I wanna... d-d-die..."

Her shoulders tensed as she started crying, tears streaming down her cheeks and she started shaking and choking. I... I-I'm... not entirely certain how to deal with this situation... I was struggling enough as is, being that I've never had this sort of talk with someone before, b-but I've never had to comfort a crying person before...

"A-Ah...! U-Uhmn, S-Sayori!" I cried out, starting to panic now. My foot tapped against the floor rapidly as I tensed up, trying to think of something I could say to ease the situation. "W-Would you like to be friends now?!"

"Y-You don't want that...!!" She fired out between choking sobs. "Y-You don't want to be my friend!"

"And you shouldn't want to be mine, either," I said. "There are a great many terrible things about myself, Sayori, things which, for your benefit and mine, I ought never to tell you... but I'm here, offering to be your friend. I-I... I can't say I've ever _truly_ had anyone who can I can genuinely call my friend before... everyone I've ever known has either only wanted to speak to me because of my body, or to ridicule me, with few exceptions... the literature club is one of the few places where there are people who view me as more than an object or a punchline, and even if those feelings aren't deserved on my end, I... I-I still don't want to alienate the few people who have ever thought more of me than that... I-I... I want you to be my friend... m-my first friend..."

It was hard to keep it together, myself... I didn't know why I was trying to convince Sayori. As nice as it would be to have a friend, I... I didn't deserve it. To put it flatly, I am a horrible person - a twisted degenerate, a loner, a creep, one who lurks in the corner of classrooms and libraries, one who clings to the side of hallways, one who wraps my arms in paper towels after lunch to prevent the blood from my wounds from dripping onto my uniform. Someone like me is not fit for friendship, and my words did not properly reflect that reality.

"But..." I went on, "I... I think you should reject me."

Sayori looked at me with a perplexed expression on her face, one that juxtaposed heavily with the choked-up sobs she was emitting. To satisfy her curiosity, I elaborated.

"I... I am evil, Sayori. To you I am but a loner who lurks in the corner of the classroom, too shy to talk to everyone else, and while that may be true, I... I have sinned too grievously to be forgiven. And even beyond that, I... I am unfit for friendship. I am the sort of person who is destined to live and die alone, by my own hand most probably. It's best not to waste your time on someone like me... Natsuki and Monika are much more worthy of your time. I-I am... I shall forever remain alone, as it had been destined."

Sayori choked for a bit more before she cleared her throat and took a sip of water, giving her the strength to speak up once more.

"I... don't care..." She muttered. She looked up at me, tears still in her eyes but now something more - like a spark of inspiration, perhaps the first time she has ever genuinely felt such a feeling - though, that may be presumptuous to claim.

"You said 'let's be friends,' so let's be friends!" She boomed, breaking into a strange, cackling laughter as she finished her statement. I was left bewildered by all this, looking around the room as though someone else would appear to assist me in understanding the situation. She'd gone from sobbing to laughing in a moment's notice... w-what did this mean...?

"A-Ah, I-I, uhmn..." I sputtered, struggling to drum up some sort of response to the situation. But words, however, escaped me... I was ill-prepared for this eventuality...

Calming down, Sayori wiped her tears from her eyes as she settled. She again lacked energy, as she had before, but now seemed more energetic than before, even if it was a marginal difference... she looked up at me with a more hopeful look in her than I'd seen when I walked in.

"Anyway... hehe, sorry about that... but... seriously, let's be friends. Okay?"

Slowly and hesitantly, I nodded.

"Awesome!" Sayori exclaimed, her posture and energy not matching the enthusiasm her voice boomed with.

"I-I... uhmn..." I began, not necessarily wanting to damper on her perception of reality, but deeming it necessary to do so. "I... I-I'm terribly sorry, but... I-I probably won't b-be able to put in the s-s-same effort y-you do... I... I-I'm afraid my texts w-won't be able to be as long as yours... o-or impassioned... n-nor will I be able to talk to you all that much... l-like I said, I-I... I'm not v-very capable of social interaction..."

Sayori kept on smiling. "That's okay. Go at your own pace, buddy~" She encouraged. I was a little surprised that she'd taken so positively to what I'd had to say, especially given its nature, but... I suppose it was a positive, being that I'd managed to connect with her in a way. It also meant that I didn't have to force myself to speak more publicly or confidently - that is not to say, however, that I needn't make an effort to interact with her more. As much as I did want to be her friend, I dreaded the thought of forcing myself into that more open situation... I suppose only time and practice may yield a result, however.

"A-As you wish..." I responded.

Sayori smiled. "Well, I don't wanna keep you any longer... you can go now. Oh, tell MC to come back in when you see him, 'kay?"

I nodded, standing up from my seat as I did so. "Very well..."

Sayori waved at me as I left, smiling the entire time. It was a different smile than what I was used to seeing on her face... rather than the sort of big, toothy grin she would give to Natsuki as she entered the club, this smile was more kept - does that apply here? I don't think so... either way, it felt more... reserved, in a way. It had less enthusiasm behind it, but I suppose that made it more real... not to discredit Natsuki and Sayori's friendship, that is, which is certainly more real than what little I've done for Sayori thus far.

As I stepped out of the hospital room, taking a look around for MC, I couldn't help but wonder whether the talk I'd just had, had made an overall positive or negative impact... I suppose it would be easy to say positive, being that Sayori and I were now going to have a closer connection, but at the same time, it felt as though I'd just forced myself into a commitment I wasn't capable of maintaining. Even though Sayori had explicitly said it was fine for me to "go at my own pace," it... it still felt as though I would let her down in some way. That would make me even worse, then, wouldn't it...? Not only had I already let her down with my incompetence, but to lift her up to such happiness with a promise, only to fail to live up to her expectations? That would be truly despicable... the thought put a great deal of pressure on me, but I opted not to focus on that in the interest of my continued sanity.

Whatever the outcome, though, I suppose I could take some level of solace in the fact that I'd just made my first friend... we will see, however, whether I am truly capable of maintaining such a bond with someone, or if my nature will win in the end. Given my history, I would wager on the latter... but I suppose we shall see with time.

After all, it's only Sayori's life on the line.


End file.
